ARTICLES & BLOG
TAKE MY BREATH AWAY : THE INEVITABLE - DEATH, THE END OF LIVING - ONE YEAR ON
The theme of death and loss is back in my awareness. Over the months we have explored it in Young Jains Enriching Conversations. Many friends, family and people in the community over the last 2 weeks have lost a close loved one. I shared with them an article I wrote last year upon the death of a close friend, Bobby Shah, on 15th October. The article has my thoughts feelings and also some resources that may help. Since originally writing it almost exactly a year ago I have shared it with many and edited to include a wonderful podcast from commune. Really do check out the article and resources - share with those who you may know are dealing with the loss of a loved one.
The theme of death and loss is back in my awareness. Over the months we have explored it in Young Jains Enriching Conversations. Many friends, family and people in the community over the last 2 weeks have lost a close loved one. I shared with them an article I wrote last year upon the death of a close friend, Bobby Shah, on 15th October. The article has my thoughts feelings and also some resources that may help. Since originally writing it almost exactly a year ago I have shared it with many and edited to include a wonderful podcast from commune. Really do check out the article and resources - share with those who you may know are dealing with the loss of a loved one.
https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/news/2019/10/17/the-inevitable-death
As shared in a recent post I celebrated my 50th birthday and covered connection and time as themes. Over the birthday weekend I have great zoom catch ups with a variety of people from the different communities I am part of. It was lovely. Last year when thinking about planning celebrations for my 50th, I had seen Bobby as part of the celebrations as we continued to share milestones in our lives.
In the Happy Life Habits Book Club we are reading Jay Shetty’s Think Like A Monk. In the first section “Letting Go” chapter 3 is titled Fear. The quote for the chapter is:
Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life. - Buddha
At the start of the book it shares that at the start of life we breathe and at the end of life we take our last breath. Important to be aware of our breathing as it is connection to our emotions.
THERE IS A THIEF IN THE CITY
Below is a Kabir Cafe T-shirt I have based on a poem by the legendary 15th Centuary mystic and poet Kabir. It has been made into a lovely fusion song by Neeraj Arya’s Kabir Cafe. The title is “Be alert there is a thief in the city”. It is referring to death. Listen to the song in the video below and read the translation.
Kabir Cafe T-Shirt - Be Alert, Death is in the neighbourhood
Here is a great video from karmatube on the idea of a death walker : https://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=8662
WHAT SEEDS ARE YOU PLANTING?
Many a time I have contemplated on that each day we live we get closer to death. The true deadline. What we have to do is keep this in our awareness from time to time so that we can truly live, be fulfilled instead of deal with the mundane. Each moment counts and the more moments shared with happiness, kindness and love the happier our lives. From the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Dr Stephen Covey, Habit 2 is Begin with the End in Mind. There is a great exercise where we do begin with the end in my and contemplate our funeral and consider what we want people to say about us at that time. This helps us see what is important in our live and the values we want to cultivate.
This week on a small pot plant on the window sill emerges signs of life. It is either chillis or capsicums - those we the seeds planted.
Seedlings growing
Check out www.HappyLifeHabits.co.uk for Inspiration Point episodes to book tickets and watch recordings as well as book Gratitude Workshop and Gratitude & Journal Habit Immersion Training Course.
A request dear friend and reader.
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
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Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
LOCK DOWN LAB: LIFE BY DESIGN - YOU THE ARCHITECT
This and the few related articles are about the golden opportunity we have for learning, change growth, development and transformation. Moving from a caterpillar to being in a cocoon to become a butterfly. They blend ideas and snippets on needs, mindsets, zones and actions from Stephen Covey, Tony Robbins, Abraham Maslow, Carol Dweck, Nelson Mandela, Robin Sharma, Forrest Gump and a few others.
This one looks at the idea of a Lockdown Lab and moving from a zone of fear to learning to growth and to contribution.
This and the few related articles are about the golden opportunity we have for learning, change growth, development and transformation. Moving from a caterpillar to being in a cocoon to become a butterfly. They blend ideas and snippets on needs, mindsets, zones and actions from Stephen Covey, Tony Robbins, Abraham Maslow, Carol Dweck, Nelson Mandela, Robin Sharma, Forrest Gump and a few others.
IT TAKES 21 DAYS TO CREATE A HABIT,90 DAYS TO CREATE A LIFESTYLE
LOCKDOWN LAB
Many of us have we have already had 21 days of lock down and another few weeks are in progress and there could be many more weeks. This is a golden opportunity to step out of our comfort zone and grow. This is the cocoon phase of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. An incubation/transformation period. We have an explorative lab where we are both the subject of that lab as well as the experimenter. We are both the architect and the product of the design. We can come out at the other end, when ever that will be, as a better, improved, more resilience, capable, productive, effective, compassionate version of ourselves or we can choose to maintain the status quo and stay as just it. We can choose to improve areas of our physical, mental, social/emotional and spiritual dimensions. This great little video by Jean-Pierre De Villers (JPDV) is about Being Like Nelson Mandela shares how Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years (we are in lock down for a few weeks or months, hopefully not years!). He shares
“I wasn’t in prison, I was preparing” - Nelson Mandela
What can you prepare for during the time in lock down? JPDV also shares a focus on Contribution Vs Consumption and about showing up in love, gratitude and service.
The graphic shows some of the potential zones we can operate from and spend time in during a crisis/challenge such as COVID-19. As I was writing about comfort zones I found some more graphics which this one is based upon and adapted from where the far left circle “Who do I want to be during COVID-19” actually says “Comfort Zone”.
We can choose to be in the fear zone and express the behaviours that are fed by fear including complaining and victim mode. This is a very reactive zone. We all probably spent some time in that zone when the pandemic broke out where we were. How long we spend there is our choice and some will spend most of the pandemic time / lock down period there while others will choose to transition to the learning zone. In the learning zone we observe, reflect, think contemplate, seek reliable information and make choices on how we want to respond. In continuing to do this we step into the growth zone where we have expanded our knowledge, skills, attitude, capabilities and impact. We have expanded our comfort zone, we have made it grow. The learning and growth zones are where we are choosing our response. We are becoming more. Personally, I would split the growth zone and move some of the items from there to the zone of contribution/service.
I don’t have any medical qualifications, not even a scouts badge for first aid (might be to do with the fact I never went to the scouts!) or any training in neuroscience. However, how the brain works, the potential we have and how we learn has fascinated me for a long time hence my interest in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), accelerated learning, habits, emotions, behaviour, psychology and such like areas. Here I share what I have understood, caveat, it may not be medically accurate! What I have understood is that the theory about different parts of the brain have different functions. Brain functions are complex and some of the models describe that we have the left (logic, reasoning, intelligence etc) and right (creative, emotion, intuition etc) sides as well as another model about the 3 brains: (1) The Reptilian (housekeeping) , (2) Mammalian/Limbic (Emotion) and (3) the NeoCortex (thinking/reasoning). The Amygdala, a part of the brain in the Limbic brain has a key role in fear response, our survival mechanism / threat /stress system to instigate our fight, flight or freeze response to a situation. It sends a distress signal to the hypthalamus in a chain of reactions that result in the release of hormones cortisol and adrenaline. These are part of our stress response. What happens is that anything such as a loud noise, an unfamiliar object or situation can activate the threat system and release these stress hormones getting us ready at a perceived threat which may not actually be a threat. We keep doing this and not dissipate the stress chemicals we will suffer prolonged stress and all associated with it such as anxiety, worry, sleep disorder, food disorder, chronic pain, depression, lack of connectivity etc. What we want to do is learn practices that help shift control to the neocortex the thinking /reasoning brain to actually assess and decide if it is a real threat. If it is a threat the neocortex can give control to the limbic brain and the Amygdala and let them do their stuff. If it is not a real immediate threat no need to be anxious, fearful or releasing the stress hormones. Instead it can focus on a response as opposed to a reaction.
Source Swissotel Hotel and Resorts
With learning and practices such as mindfulness, meditation, gratitude and such what we are doing is move control to the neocortex to choose a response. We are moving from the Fear Zone to Learning, Growth and Contribution Zones. In short we are using the higher capacities of the evolved brain. Moving from reflex reaction to choosing response. Taking more control of our circumstances as opposed to the circumstances controlling us.
Robin Sharma in Winning in Hard Times shares lots of great ideas for both personal and business. He shares:
Heroes are built in times of storm
The old must fall away for something better to be created
Enjoy the world but don’t be of the world
He cites that Churchill became Churchill, Nelson Mandela become Nelson Mandela, Rosa Parks become Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King become Martin Luther King and Gandhi became Gandhi when they dealt with and overcame an adversity or challenge. That challenge gave them the opportunity to grow and become who they became. They did not act as victims but instead saw opportunity. The Lock Down is an opportunity, it is a reset a reboot. Focus on developing character, skills, qualities and habits. It is the Quadrant II (QII) area of Habit 3 First Things First from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The stuff that is important but not urgent; what we often struggle to create time to do as we are so busy on urgent (but maybe not important things); the QII space for reflection, planning, values review and asking and contemplating the big questions.
"Unlike your fingerprints that you are born with and can’t change, character is something that you create within yourself and must take responsibility for changing." - Jim Rohn
“Making space for growth.
I was sitting on my balcony one recent morning, enjoying a cup of tea, when I looked over at our jasmine plant and realized that it hadn’t yet flowered this season.
The leaves had been reddish brown since the winter, but they hadn’t fallen. I don’t have much of a green thumb, but something felt off. So last week I decided to prune the plant, carefully removing all the non-green leaves.
The next day I came outside and there were already a dozen new sprouting leaves. The day after that, I glimpsed a handful of teeny-tiny flower buds.
This whole time I was waiting for the jasmine plant to flower, I was wondering what more it needed — more fertilizer, more water, or perhaps more sun. Turns out, the only thing holding it back from growing was its past self.
It made me wonder — how much of our growth relies on first trimming what no longer serves us?
What do we need to release so that we can flourish in the next season?
What if we were to prune all the preconceived notions of who we are?
All the regrets of the past and the anxieties about the future.
All the outside influences telling us who we should be.
The pride, the ego, the baggage — snipping and letting these things fall away.
What new season of life can we step into after we make space for our own growth?”
WHAT WILL YOU CHOOSE TO DESIGN & CREATE?
RESOURCES
Great article by Greater Good Science Centre on daily checklist questions to ask yourself during quarantine. The questions we ask help us focus, and decisions determine our destiny.
How To Not Go Crazy Under Quarantine Charles Duhigg Podcast (The Power of Habit).
A request dear friend and reader.
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page
Happy Life Habits WhatsApp Group
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
TOGETHER IN ISOLATION
Together in Isolation
Finding Certainty in Uncertain Times :
Living during Coronavirus pandemic
Dedicated to every beings happiness on the UNs International Day of Happiness March 20th.
Shaileen Shah - Happiness Coach - Happy Life Habits
I started this blog article as a refreshing relish from the recent weeks of brain fog clouded by confusion, worry, uncertainty, anxiety, fear, helplessness and distraction. Anyone else felt the same?
Finding Certainty in Uncertain Times :
Living during Coronavirus pandemic
Dedicated to every being’s happiness for the UNs International Day of Happiness March 20th.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”
Together in Isolation - I replaced with We - illness becomes Wellness
“In the future the history that will be written & remembered will be about how we thought, spoke & acted in the present through this crisis.”
Next bit
Wow what a fabulous title, image quote, opening to this article - if I say so myself. The opening quote is not mine but from Charles Dickens in the opening of a Tale of Two Cities - captures the present moment well. Likewise the Viktor Frankl quote happened to be the one in my Happiness Journal as I started this blog. The title is borne fruit from creative, inspired and motivated moments that I have recently had (quite humbly proud so I am going to savour it and affirm the positive, in fact I’ll share a clever quote that I came up with - though could be a paraphrase of someone else’s!). I started this blog article as a refreshing relish from the recent weeks of brain fog clouded by confusion, worry, uncertainty, anxiety, fear, helplessness and distraction. Anyone else felt the same?
I am worried about:
my elderly parents who have underlying health conditions so are high risk to the virus
my son due to sit his GCSEs in a few months
my finances
my developing happiness business
my own, my families and friends health
our communities, our nation, our world
our future
Quite surreal the times we are living in. Impacting everything and I mean everything. Stockmarkets imploding on a daily basis - savaging our investments, pensions and futures, country by country, nation by nation, community by community, person by person filling with uncertainty and forced changed - that we can do nothing about. The news being only on one topic, people going into Chicken Little mode “the sky is falling, the sky is falling”, rumours, conspiracy theories and misinformation perpetuating the fear and stock piling. On a daily basis and sometimes hourly radical changes occurring. Industries, nations, leaders brought to their knees. How do we cope? How do we survive?
“The Universal Constant is Change”
The communities that I am a part of; being for me a source of faith, learning, growth, health, service and social activity were all stopping events and activity - badminton clubs, youth clubs, Jain Faith School, Jain Faith Convention, meditation circles, etc. This was impacting my sense of connection, community, clarity and meaning.
I’m a Happiness Coach, trained in Science of Happiness, Personal Development and Spirituality and during this period of worry, zombie mode, lack of direction & action, helplessness as things unfolded impacting everything, I struggled. The nudge from my wise wife and a couple of conversations with a few people led to this action. Change the focus from doom and gloom to positivity, kindness and happiness - tap into what you know that helps and tap into others. I reached out to my communities via various means to ask how they were dealing and coping. The response and contributions were fabulous : quotes, actions, tips, meditations, poetry, humour, special voice recorded message. Around the same time I got some emails/newsletters with wonderful content. Funny how the Universe delivers what we focus on and how the Law of Attraction works. All the contributions are gems that can positively impact and uplift. I personally got direction, connection, insights, energy and inspiration. Thankful for it all.
I am currently hosting a 21 Day Simple Living Challenge that on day 16 when I started this article had the theme: Day 16: Practice Single-tasking - so using that I have focused onto research and content for this article.
Together in Isolation - has a few meanings, it means if we do have to go into isolation or social distancing we are not alone, we are in this together, it is a shared humanity. The forced changes break our existing routines, reality and isolation can lead to a sense of disconnection, loneliness and depression. See the previous 2 articles on Happier Relationships. By being selfish, self centred we will not get through this. Every human (and other living beings also) is being impacted.
“The coronavirus is apolitical. It doesn’t discriminate on the basis of race, gender, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. There is an opportunity here to transcend the individualism that has led to an atomized and polarized society. In our collective hands, we have tremendous power to stop the spread of this pathogen and forge a new story of connection instead of separation.
If we can get through this together, it may bring us together.
Mantra: Stay Centred, Follow the Science, Don’t succumb to Fear, Spread Information not the Virus
”
This quote is from an informative, sensible action packed podcast is really worth listening to. I love the Mantra: Stay Centred, Follow the Science, Don't succumb to Fear, Spread Information not the Virus. Here is the link Coronavirus and Our Common Humanity Commune with Jeff Krasno
The Universe, Mother Nature, Earth the greatest innovator and disrupter has decided that humanity as a collective needed a moment to standstill, break the pattern, take stock (not stock pile!), reflect on what matters, be present and mindful, escape from the every day business and take a look around and be reminded of the higher power - the power of love, kindness, compassion and peace.
I remember Wayne Dyer sharing an example of squeezing (not sneezing!) an orange and asking what will come out? Will it be apple juice? No. Grapefruit juice? No. Orange Juice? Yes. Why? Because that is what is inside. The Universe from time to time will test us and squeeze. What will come out? Whatever is on the inside will come out. If inside is selfish, self centred, greedy, inconsiderate, angry, fearful then that is what will be expressed. If inside is love, peace, kindness, gratitude, happiness, certainty then that is what will show up. We are currently being squeezed. We see this with the stories of people going nuts and stockpiling out of fear and selfishness, being xenophobic and spreading misinformation. I read a story of a many who picked up the last packet of pasta in a store when he already had plenty more packets and an elderly lady requesting if she could have it as she had none and him saying no. Or the photos of people who stockpiled items that will last well into next year. These stories play heavy on the heart and bring a dark cloud in the mind. Fortunately I am reading and hearing more positives such as the Sikh person who helps feed the homeless extending to give cleaning materials, maps of public washrooms and information on how to wash hands, or the Italians singing as a community in the evening while in lock down, or the coordinated clapping by Spanish for the gratitude to the front line health care professionals dealing with this crisis. This BBC link shares kindness stories including the creative idea of a postcard for options to help for those self isolating.
Received via WhatsApp - Transport for London Quote
I am currently reading the incredible, gripping book Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. It is a 933 page novel biography peppered with wonderful ideas. This is the perfect book to read if self isolating. One question in it is: What is an objective, universally acceptable definition of good and evil?
“What is an objective, universally acceptable definition of good and evil?
„In order to know about any act or intention or consequence, we must first ask two questions. One, what would happen if everyone did this thing? Two, would this help or hinder the movement toward complexity?” – Khaderbhai
(Complexity meaning God)
What I found more relevant in everyday life: there are no good or bad people. There are only “good deeds” and “bad deeds” and the sum of those deeds – the actions we perform – are what make us into someone good or bad”
I love the answer “What would happens if everyone did this?”. What would happen if everyone stockpiled? What would happen if everyone passed on the mis-information and fear? What would happen if everyone followed the guidelines on hand washing? What would happen if everyone looked out for and helped each other? Food for thought - stock pile that!
Together in Isolation
Finding Certainty in Uncertain Times :
Living during Coronavirus pandemic
Dedicated to every beings happiness on the UNs International Day of Happiness March 20th.
Shaileen Shah - Happiness Coach - Happy Life Habits
I reached out to my communities to ask what tips, practices, ways where they dealing with and coping with the pandemic. These are ordinary people like you and me - Humans. They are also extraordinary as you will see when you read, contemplate or hear their contributions. They are from a mix of faiths, nations, ages, genders, experiences, vocations including retired, pharmacists, dentists, finance/investment people, change makers, consultants, coaches, facilitators, trainers, teachers, volunteers, accountants, journalists, technologists, yoga teachers, healers, carers and home makers. I have compiled some of the overall themes that have been shared as well as my own thoughts and then some of the detailed sharing all of which help finding certainty in uncertain times. They all relate to the 4 human dimensions of Physical, Mental, Social/Emotion and Spiritual (see previous articles) and some are the basics we all know we should do.
CONTROL THE CONTROLLABLES
Focus on the things that you can control - all of the below suggestions
Control your energy; focus on higher energies
Finances - review income and expenses (see note later)
Remember the Serenity Prayer
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.”
ROUTINE
Our routines, plans and structures are likely to have been disrupted. Creatively develop empowering happy life habits that supplement new ways to do old things or replace old routines
Replace the routines of checking email, watching the news, refreshing the news or stock market webpages, social media, whatsapp messages etc every 5 mins. Switch off notifications and schedule and limit time when you will do these activities
Plan , organise and also be like a yoga teacher in your approach - be flexible
Do not forward everything you receive about the virus. Except of course awesome articles/ emails like this one.
Join the 21 Day Challenge
HEALTH
Eat sensibly - fresh fruit/veg
Hydrate well
Sleep well - get adequate rest and sleep to rejuvenate
Avoid toxins
Keep exercising
Keep breathing deeply
Keep washing hands as per advice
CONNECTION
Find ways to stay connected, in touch as alternative to the physical face to face. Use technology - Facetime, video conferencing, messaging apps, phone call, email (do remember the schedule/limit time aspect)
Really deeply listen
MINDFULNESS & PRESENT MOMENT
Be aware of your feelings, emotions, thoughts - don’t dwell on the dis-empowering, low energy ones - feel, observe, acknowledge and choose to change to more empowering high energy ones
Be present
LEARNING
Adapt, grow, develop, experiment and learn
Follow the science, be informed
Take opportunity to learn a new skill, revive and old one
Watch videos (TED etc), listen to podcasts, join courses, read books, enjoy poetry
REFLECTION, GRATITUDE AND JOURNALLING
Reflect
Practice gratitude - like make of the other practices mentioned it helps well being and resilience
Do some journalling - great to express, capture and learn from
KINDNESS
Be kind
Do kind, thoughtful acts
Be kind to yourself, be kind to your nearest and dearest, be kind to others
Viruses are contagious; so is panic, fear, hysteria; love, kindness, joy; choose wisely
NATURE
Spend time in nature - walk in park, down the road, garden
Get some fresh air and sunshine
See some greenery, hear some birds singing
Look at the sly, clouds, stars, moon
Observe the changing of the seasons
SPIRITUALITY & FAITH
Dive deeper into your spirituality or faith
Sing songs, Bhakti & Jaap (devotional songs)
Recite Prayers, Mantras and contemplate the meaning
Meditate
Keep Faith
Help and Serve others
Stay aware
HUMOUR & FEEL GOOD
Smile - it increases your face value!
This poem was chosen and read out by a young student at the last Jain School assembly we had before the school classes were cancelled due to the Virus. Some attribute it to Spike Milligan and some to Jez Alborough. Either way it is a lovely poem.
Smiling is infectious
You can catch it like the flu
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too
I walked around the corner
And someone saw me grin
When he smiled I realised
I had passed it on to him
I thought about the smile
And then realised its worth
A single smile like mine
Could travel round the earth
So if you feel a smile begin
Don’t leave it undetected
Start an epidemic
And get the world infected.
Read a good book, listen to your favourite music, watch your favourite film
Practice Laughter Yoga
Share a joke such as this one that I saw on Facebook …
They drove us mad with Corona...
We have become crazy.
I went to the bathroom at a restaurant.
I washed my hands, opened the door with my elbow,
I raised the toilet seat with my foot,
I switched on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbowand when I returned to my table I realized....
I forgot to pull up my pants!!!
“Stay centred, be compassionate, be in touch with people around you”
My friend Vicky Johnson, Co-Founder of The Museum of Happiness has recorded these thoughts and advice especially for this article. Really a great recording of some science and practical tools to use. It covers surfing the waves, no mud no lotus, 3 systems - Drive, Threat and Soothe - really useful, Energy management, self care and a gem (pun intended) of an idea about diamonds. Vicky hosts a weekly Facebook live on Happiness and Self Care.
Summarised tips contributed by volunteer teachers from Shree Chandana Vidhya Peeth Jain School (SCVP):
Prayers : Navkar Mantra, Uvaasagaharam (Healing Prayer)
Singing/Chanting: Stavans, Bhakti, Mantras
Help Others
Positivity
Pranayam - Breathing
Acceptance
Keep Calm
Read and follow the evidence based information
Do not stockpile
Thanks to contributions from our SCVP volunteer teachers : Rita Shah, Sandip Shah, Ketan Varia, Tejas Udani, Rajeev Shah, Manjri Shah, Rasila Shah, Sonal Dadia, Vaishali Mehta, Hina Vora and Kajal Sheth
“Three Thoughts for these times
*Universal Friendship • Truth • Inner Peace*
*Universal Friendship*
Awareness of the timeless idea that all living beings are equal to us and capable of the same spiritual heights generates the attitude of universal friendship. This compels us to care for all, to be considerate, to avoid selfish behaviour. As we live through these times, let’s ground ourselves in this ideal, knows as Maitri, Miti, or Metta. Let’s serve the vulnerable in our communities. Let’s be considerate when shopping. Let’s be loving and kind despite any fear or pain, wishing that all are well, happy and wise, in these times and at alk times.
*Truth*
Truth must be kind, otherwise it fails a deeper test. Today we are seeking to blame and judge. We lazily let our prejudices rise up and unwillingly spread hate, such as language which blames the Chinese or the Meat eaters. If there is an action to blame, let us become awake and aware, but let’s also practice kindness and hygiene in our thoughts and words. Many are using the opportunity to speak of the superiority of Hindu, Jain or Vegan lifestyles. Let’s celebrate the nobility, yes, but let’s keep away the unkindness, superiority, judgement and othering of souls who are on journeys just as we are.
Truth must also be discriminating and judicious. With modern social media, we are often sharing hoaxes or untested ideas about the Corona Virus, Covid 19. We are also unwittingly sharing unkind messages of judgement and othering. How can we separate and divide ourselves from souls just like us?
*Inner Peace*
Within us, innately, we are peace, bliss and love. Let’s connect within so we can face the challenges of today with fortitude, equanimity, truth and universal friendship. Self-care is also very important. Our daily spiritual practice will ensure we remain maintain inner balance, and manifest virtues grounded in deep truths which ensure we live in harmony with all other souls.
”
“I wasn’t planning on sending this email.
In fact, I wasn’t planning on writing anything about the coronavirus. The truth is, I am finding it hard to focus on anything in this present moment.
The uncertainty has me unsettled.
The present is constantly overshadowed by thoughts of the future. What if my friends or family get the virus? What if our city goes into full lockdown mode? How is the world going to recover?
Feeling overwhelmed, I turned to my journal and reflected on past moments of uncertainty.
I started making a list of things to remember, things that could ground me, bring perspective and return me to the present.
I wanted to send these to you in an email in case there is something in here that resonates with you — but also because I’d love to hear how you are coping.
Here are a few items from the list:
Meditation. Impermanence, or anicca as it is called in the Buddhist tradition, is the idea that things are constantly changing. And that we can observe that change without becoming consumed by it. A core concept behind Vipassana meditation and mindfulness is to experience the feeling of anicca in your own body by becoming aware of your bodily sensations without reacting to them with desire or aversion. Practicing this during meditation helps prepare us so that when we are met with unexpected sensations or experiences in our everyday lives, we are better prepared to experience them with a healthy level of perspective and equanimity. I have been returning to meditation regularly these past few weeks to help recenter me.
Practice gratitude. This may sound counter-intuitive when it seems like there’s more to be scared, angry or anxious about. But I come back to these words from Brother David Steindl-Rast: “I didn’t say we can be grateful for everything. I said we can be grateful in every given moment…” It is not that we need to be grateful for the virus or the school closings or the delayed travel plans. But every single moment has something that we can give thanks for, if we open ourselves up to it. Our breath — which reminds us that we have the opportunity to be here and be present — is a perfect example.
Journaling. Just writing things down does wonders to help me sort through and get to the bottom of how I am actually feeling. This email is a perfect example. It started with a rant answering the seemingly simple question I am prompted with every time I open my journaling app: “Hey Dave, how are you feeling today?” Getting these thoughts out of my head and onto the page is a way of acknowledging the thoughts that are racing around my head. And as I acknowledge the thoughts, I notice that they begin to quiet.
Support each other. In difficult times, it’s easy to think we are alone, especially with the currently prescribed “social distancing”. Reach out to those you care about — but instead of just trading fears and anxieties, try bringing a positive element to the conversation. Let your loved ones know you are thinking about them and tell them something you appreciate about them. Spreading the love is a great way to feel the love. Support others and you will feel supported.
”
“Finances
People are worried about their finances - especially because they may be forced to take unpaid leave, go into voluntary isolation, quarantine. People’s financial position varies significantly. Everyone has been impacted financially, whether this is your pension value reduced by 20 - 30%, income reduced, etc. There is no one size fits all approach but any number of the following steps may help you towards staving off anxiety:
(1) Work out monthly expenditure and identify areas where you can reduce your expenses.
(2) Look at your savings so you can plan for expenditure if income is compromised
(3) If you have credit card debt, contact the lender to ask for a payment holiday with interest frozen
(4) If you need extra money in the short term ask your bank to increase your overdraft limit and reduce charges
(5) If you will struggle with your mortgage due to loss of income talk to your lender. The key thing is not to worry about things, reach out for support and advice. You are not alone.”
From friends linked on Face Book
Vikrant Jain: It shall pass
Or
It shall pass and Hopefully we as humanity n individual will come out stronger by end of itDeepa Shah: If you are 'having' downtime, reframe it as a positive!
So many things to replenish, rejuvenate and restore your body, mind and spirit:
1. Read inspiring and uplifting books, articles or listen to podcasts.
2. Practicing relaxation either tapping, guided relaxation or meditation.
3. Practice some yogasana slowly with breath awareness and pranayama.Beejal Coulson: It’s important to have neutrality in the mind and generate peace rather than attempt to generate a positive mind in uncertain times. The practice of meditation is vital in these challenging times. Self care is vital. Where your attention goes is where your energy and focus goes so be mindful where you place your attention.
Kevin Gosling:
1 Don't panic and remain reasoned and sensible
2 Enjoy life to the full as don't know what tomorrow will bring
3 Family , friends and loved ones should always come firstTamzin Doggart: Even dark times are a possibility. Someone else has just posted: Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Nilesh Tarpo Shah: Be positive for negativity is all taken
Minal Shah: I am self isolating.
So already had some time to do things I never get round to doing... Although limited somewhat by symptoms.
Wash hands with alertness, paying attention to how you do it rather than a regular ritual.
You can still go for a walk as long as you don't make contact with others to get fresh air, exercise and to keep calm and carry on.
Be thankful for each opportunity.Jyoti Mehta: Keep a routine of sorts. Still set your alarm clock for a certain time. And go for a walk!
Bindi Shah: Remain in equanimity
“Cultivating an Inner Resource - Meditation
Creating a safe space within you where you feel a sense of ease, well-being, resiliency, wholeness, balance, peace, groundedness…
It’s a felt sense within your body that may be evoked by a memory of a person, place or thing or something that you have imagined or a visualisation. Maybe a place in nature, a sacred object, sounds, activities etc. It doesn’t matter what it is, just choose something that brings you a sense of peace, security and well-being.
As you form your Inner Resource, reflect on people, animals, objects and phrases that help you embed and recall in your mind your Inner Resource. Conjure up sounds, taste, smells and other qualities that help you to access your inner resource.
Take time to embody your Inner Resource throughout the day. It builds your capacity to welcome every experience as a flow of changing movements within your unchanging Being. It enables you to experience a sense of well-being no matter your circumstance.
”
“1. Be mindful of all your feelings – I think it is important not to suppress or deny your feelings, and its equally important to remember that feelings aren’t facts. Make friends with your feelings and then decide which ones to act on and how you want to act on them
2. Keep a sense of humour – there is always lots to laugh about, and finding the comedic in what is going on is often one of the most powerful ways to lift your spirits and actually stay well. Laughter can be the best medicine
3. Stay in the here and now – right now you are probably fine and most likely will be. Simply deal with what is in front of you in this moment and try not to be too anxious for the future that may not happen
4. Follow the practical advice – don’t take unnecessary risks and also recognise reality of the limits to your ability to protect yourself. Accept that there are many things you simply cannot control”
“1) you can reduce the risk, you can’t remove it
2) you being in fear will help no one because you will make bad, irrational decisions from your fear
3) look after yourself, look after others, keep your compassion and humanity”
“ Anitya (everything other than the soul is temporary)
and asuchi ( the body is a host to many diseases, etc)
and maitri (universal friendship towards the virus as it is also a soul, just like us)
Contemplations on bhavnas (reflections on reality)”
“How to reduce fear, anxiety and paranoia over the CV
There are two simple things I’d like to share.
1. Fear weakens the immune system
2. Love and happiness boosts it.
So how can you find your way from Fear to Love?
And find your way back to feeling balanced and calm.
One of the things that works well for me and my clients is to stimulate two acupressure points at the same time as taking deep calming breaths.
Take the first two fingers of one hand and press them firmly in between your eyebrows.
At the same time take the first two fingers of the other hand and press firmly in the middle of your chest.
And then breathe.
Take some deep calming breaths and feel yourself start to relax.
From this place of relaxation tune into your inner wisdom to make wise judgements from peace and calm and not from fear.
Feel into the truth of what is being said.
”
“Given I’ve chosen to self-isolate I am focusing on self-care practices:
Allow myself to sleep lots
Stay connected to good friends
Challenge myself neither to judge others behaviours nor fall into the herd mindset”
“ It is perfectly normal to feel anxious at this time. Try making inner space to allow the feeling to come and and go, with as much love and compassion and acceptance you can. And holding that feeling, focus on taking meaningful action that can support you and others at this time. Compassion for all, including yourself, is very much called for at this time. We are all in this together.”
“It has been an interesting to observe the processing of this inner landscape over these past couple of weeks . Feelings of helplessness, fear, perplexity, anxiousness and more. Most interesting has been how these emotions arrive and pass. For many years now, I stopped reading /listening to news.. in any format... whatever needs to get known will come my way, was the philosophy. Naturally, the enormity of these changing tunes has drawn me, almost involuntarily , into the news stream, and i have quickly realised the inward psychological effect this was having. One can certainly not live in ignorance during these times, but I’m trying hard, to limit reading every message, article, story. Instead, am Being selective in what I absorb and reading the main news on BBC/Sky at the beginning and evening of every day. This has enormously been supportive in maintaining a balanced calm response to all that is unfolding.
Staying positive isn’t easy, yet, I’ve found the numerous stories of love and kindness taking place across the globe has been deeply reassuring and healing. It restores the faith in humanity and that we are whole as one. Of course, on a day to day practical level when we see people hoarding and accumulating for their own greed, I need to dig deep and let go of judgement , instead keep my heart open to hold compassion for their fear of scarcity. My responsibility remains in taking full responsibility for my own actions.
This leads on to the other practice, of actively praying and seeking forgiveness from Mother Earth, for myself and on behalf of others, for failing to respect everything she’s offered. The biggest learning has been how this is a powerful reminder for us as humans to be humble and to hold humility. For us to remember we are one and are not superior to each other or as a species. Ultimately I see this Pandemic as Nature’s way to remind us of this and bring rebalance.”
Trishna Shah a friend who is a Service Space volunteer and hosts Awakin Circles in London has shared a few poems that she has received that have been penned during this pandemic.
Lockdown
Yes there is fear.
Yes there is isolation.
Yes there is panic buying.
Yes there is sickness.
Yes there is even death.
But,
They say that in Wuhan after so many years of noise
You can hear the birds again.
They say that after just a few weeks of quiet
The sky is no longer thick with fumes
But blue and grey and clear.
They say that in the streets of Assisi
People are singing to each other
across the empty squares,
keeping their windows open
so that those who are alone
may hear the sounds of family around them.
They say that a hotel in the West of Ireland
Is offering free meals and delivery to the housebound.
Today a young woman I know
is busy spreading fliers with her number
through the neighbourhood
So that the elders may have someone to call on.
Today Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and Temples
are preparing to welcome
and shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary
All over the world people are slowing down and reflecting
All over the world people are looking at their neighbours in a new way
All over the world people are waking up to a new reality
To how big we really are.
To how little control we really have.
To what really matters.
To Love.
So we pray and we remember that
Yes there is fear.
But there does not have to be hate.
Yes there is isolation.
But there does not have to be loneliness.
Yes there is panic buying.
But there does not have to be meanness.
Yes there is sickness.
But there does not have to be disease of the soul
Yes there is even death.
But there can always be a rebirth of love.
Wake to the choices you make as to how to live now.
Today, breathe.
Listen, behind the factory noises of your panic
The birds are singing again
The sky is clearing,
Spring is coming,
And we are always encompassed by Love.
Open the windows of your soul
And though you may not be able
to touch across the empty square,
Sing.
— Fr. Richard Hendrick, OFM
March 13th 2020”
Pandemic
What if you thought of it
as the Jews consider the Sabbath—
the most sacred of times?
Cease from travel.
Cease from buying and selling.
Give up, just for now,
on trying to make the world
different than it is.
Sing. Pray. Touch only those
to whom you commit your life.
Center down.
And when your body has become still,
reach out with your heart.
Know that we are connected
in ways that are terrifying and beautiful.
(You could hardly deny it now.)
Know that our lives
are in one another’s hands.
(Surely, that has come clear.)
Do not reach out your hands.
Reach out your heart.
Reach out your words.
Reach out all the tendrils
of compassion that move, invisibly,
where we cannot touch.
Promise this world your love--
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
so long as we all shall live."
--Lynn Ungar
Together in Isolation
Finding Certainty in Uncertain Times :
Living during Coronavirus pandemic
Dedicated to every beings happiness on the UNs International Day of Happiness March 20th.
Shaileen Shah - Happiness Coach - Happy Life Habits
Received over social media
In conclusion I hope this collection of thoughts, insights, ideas, meditations, poems, audio, quotes, sharings, actions, tips, habits, reflections that have graciously contributed to give an feeling of Togetherness in Isolation, help you find certainty in uncertain times. I have enjoyed the 2.5 full on days it has taken to collect, compile and structure this article. It has helped me focus, stay inspired and motivated. I have learnt new things, enjoyed feeling connected and have the certainty that we are in this together.
Any positive comments please share immediately, any negative please wait till after pandemic - got enough to deal with at the moment.
Have a Happy UN International Day of Happiness on March 20th.
I am grateful to all the people from my communities who responded to my request of tips on how they are dealing with the pandemic. Many contributions have been included in the article but I have not included all. In no particular order my thanks go out to :
Harshna Shah, Rita Shah, Sandip Shah, Ketan Varia, Tejas Udani, Rajeev Shah, Manjri Shah, Rasila Shah, Sonal Dadia, Vaishali Mehta, Hina Vora, Kajal Sheth, Jigna Deepesh Shah, Priti Shah, Seetal Popat, Vikrant Jain, Deepa Shah, Ravi Khanna, Beejal Coulson, Kevin Gosling, Tamzin Doggart, Nilesh Tarpo Shah, Minal Shah, Jyoti Mehta, Bindi Shah, Vishal Shah, Devi Savla, Sanjay Shah, Priya Ramesh Shah, Sidharth Shah, Niraj Shah, Mita Shah, Trishna Shah, Vicky Johnson, Shamash Alidina, Jane Jackson, Ashik Shah, Ani Devlia, Jeff Krasno, Dave Radparvar.
Apologies if I have missed anyone - it happens - I’m human ( well actual a spiritual being having a human experience).
I am holding free virtual group happiness coaching circles during the pandemic where we focus on happy practices like ones mentioned in this article and also include some of the contributors.. If interested get in touch. See also https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/events-and-workshops
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Resources
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page
Happy Life Habits WhatsApp Group
Coronavirus and Our Common Humanity Commune with Jeff Krasno
BBC Coronavirus: How to protect your mental health
Action for Happiness: Covid 19 how to respond
Vicky Johnson Museum of Happiness Weekly Happiness and Self care Facebook Live
Instagram on CoronaVirus Niraj Shah - co-founder Mind: Unlocked
Shamash Alidina, Co-Founder of The Museum Of Happiness and Mindfulness Teacher
Nick Wiiliams offering thought leader on Inspired Leadership and author of 18 books
Jane Jackson, Soul Coach and Emotional Healer
Sanjay Shah, Emotional Intelligence Speaker, Coach, Trainer
Mita Shah, Yoga teacher and Awakin Circle Host
Beejal Shah, Rapid Transformation Therapist and Creator of Quantum Life Technique
Priti Shah, Regional Director LightSide Financial - Debt Solutions
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS PART2
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship Part 2 workshop that Happy Life Habits delivered on 28 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. It is a follow to Happier Relationships Part 1 which should be read and watched first.
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship Part 2 workshop that Happy Life Habits delivered on 28 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. It is a follow to Happier Relationships Part 1 which should be read and watched first.
Some of the questions/ideas raised in the workshop and answered in video were:
If we are always giving and making deposits in the Emotional Bank Account and there are people who take, take, take and do not reciprocate the giving of love, kindness, happiness etc. what do we do?
With the 5 Love Languages, can the one you have as dominant change?
If as the spiritual teachers say happiness is from within, what is the need of relationships?
Living from the head Vs living from the heart
If happiness is from within why do we need relationships?
A short recap covered : Brene Brown quote “Connection is what we are here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives”; relationships help our well being - longevity, resilience, feeling connected and less loneliness (See Robin Williams quote from Part 1). One of the happy chemicals released when in relationships is Oxytocin which fosters trust, bonding and connection. Some key ingredients for happier relationships being trust, values, communication and shared experiences. Take a moment to ponder on…
“The most important ingredient we put into any relationships is not what we say or what we do, but what we are”
This for me is about being at our core a person of trust, commitment, loyal, friendly, loving etc. Not just saying and acting those in that way .
The 3 most important types of relationship are:
Relationship with self (small s)'
Relationship with others
Relationship with Self (big S) - our Divinity, God , Guru, higher self
We can consider that the inner circle is the relationship with our Divinity, our spiritual relationship and that permeates to our self (with small s) and then to our relationship with everyone else. If we have a strong connection to our Divinity, have it in our awareness more often it will positively impact all our relationships.
To foster connection and closeness we can ask questions. There are 36 questions in 3 sets of 12 that have been come to know as the 36 questions for closeness.
A sample is below and here link to full 36 Questions
Sample of 36 Questions to foster connection and closeness
What’s in the box?
In part 1 I shared the video of The Nothing Box which shared some of the differences in men’s brains and women’s brains. A joke that I came across recently on Facebook post from Nithya Shanti that captures some aspects for a Happy Relationship and also has to do with a box.
There once was a couple that had been married for more that 50 years. They had lived happily together and shared everything. No secrets kept from each other. There was, however, one open secret that the women kept from the man.
The wife had a small chest hidden in the closet that she asked her husband to never open it and to never ask her about it. One day, the man told the woman that he really wanted to know what was in the box. She agreed that after so many years, this one secret should be finally shared, and she opened the box. Inside the man saw 3 small handmade dolls and a stack of money amounting to £30,000.
The women explained. “When we were about to be married, “ she said, “my mother advised me not to avoid fights if I wanted our marriage to be happy, for it is important to share our true feelings. However, she also advised me that if you ever make me angry about something, I should first keep quiet and make the doll, only fight after.”
Her husband was moved, Only 3 small dolls were in the chest. In all those years of living together, his wife had been angry with him only 3 times! “This is wonderful my love! That means that I have been a near perfect husband for 50 years and that we have excellent communication with each other. But tell me my love, where did all that money come from?”
“Oh” she said, “this money I make from selling the dolls!
The story highlights not to react in anger, to reflect , take time out (making the dolls) before choosing to respond. This nicely brings us to introduce the 5 Love Languages.
The 5 Love Languages are in my opinion similar to and a specific application of the learning modalities of VAK - Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic learning modalities. The VAK have been well documented as to each person having all 3 learning modalities but one being more dominant. Visual learners learn by seeing, they picture things in the head, they learn from watching videos, live demonstrations, presentations etc. Auditory learners use sound, voice, by listening and being told information and Kinaesthetic is to do with touch and feel. So for example to ride a bike - Visual learners would watch someone riding, watch videos and presentations. Auditory would learn from hearing about it, being given instructions or read something and say it in their hears which Kinaesthetic would be from touching a bike, turning the wheels and getting into the saddle and peddling. All are correct, we use all, we have a dominate modality and can learn to develop the others.
Similarly Dr Gary Chapman had identified and explained 5 Love Languages in a book of the same title. At the time of this writing I have not read the book. It has been mentioned while I was doing research for the workshop and I have read articles and seen interview videos with the author on it. Each love language is a way of expressing love. Again each person will have a dominant language.
The 5 Love Languages are:
Physical Touch - holding hands, hugs, pat on back, massage etc.
Receiving Gifts - being given gifts or presents
Acts of Service - putting out the rubbish, setting table, putting kids to sleep after partner has had a tough day, clearing frost from car in the morning etc.
Words of Affirmation - words that support, encourage, acknowledge and lift up. Not criticism or demeaning language.
Quality Time - dinner together, going for a walk, discussing what is important to us, how we are feeling etc.
When an act is done in our dominant language we feel loved. If our partner has a different dominant love language but we express using our dominant language then they may not feel loved. It’s like communicating in Spanish when the partner does not understand Spanish but understands Hindi. There is mismatch and less of a feeling or being loved or connected. What we need to do is be aware of our love language making our partner aware of that and at the same time be aware of their love language and make conscious effort to express using that. This is related to deposits in the Relational / Emotional Bank Account - they need to be in currency of recipient. We can deposit dollars when Euros are the recipients currency.
Looking at the 3rd type of relationship, the relationship with Divinity, our higher Self, God we are reminded of the Guru (Teacher) - Shiksha (Student) relationship and how this special relationship can help uncover Divinity. We see this in the relationships of Mahavir Bhagwan with Gautam Swami, Krishna with Arjun and Shams with Rumi. It is a relationship based on unconditional love. The book, The 40 Rules of Love shares how Rumi become Rumi with the help of Shams, how he moved from head/scholarly approach to one of the heart/Divinity. Shams shares with Rumi the 40 Rules of Love which have existed for a long time. These rules are about Divinity, God. I remember when I first read the book how it resonated with my understanding of my faith and spirituality. I share here 4 of the rules to give you a flavour. Take a moment to reflect on them.
The 40 Rules of Love : Source www.ScoopWhoop.com
“We seek it here, we seek it there, we look for love everywhere!
We expect it to come to us, usually through another person.
All our conditioning says it is something that happens to us. The mythology of our fables, legends and modern day entertainment industries say it is something we ‘fall into’.
And yet… and yet real love can not be acquired, possessed or accumulated. It can not be known where we think it comes from outside ourselves. The ultimate paradox is we are love.
We are love.
”
“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.”
Apply some of these ideas and nurture fulfilling, meaningful, loving and happier relationship with your self, everyone else and your higher Self.
Resources
The 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak I also sell this book so get in touch if you would like a copy
The 40 Rules of Love on ScoopWhoop
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The 5 Love Languages articles by FierceMarriage.com
The 36 Questions for closeness
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship workshops that Happy Life Habits delivered on 14 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. The follow on part 2 session is on 28th February 2020 at the same venue.
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship workshops that Happy Life Habits delivered on 14 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. The follow on part 2 session is on 28th February 2020 at the same venue.
Recording of Happier Relationships delivered on 14th February 2020 at SCVP Jain School.
Relationships are integral to our lives. The happier relationships we have, the more connected, happier and meaningful our lives are. Take a moment to answer these questions and do this activity:
Think of a current great relationship / friendship that you have.
Who is it with? Why is it great ? (List at least 3 things)
What are the ingredients for a happy relationship?
What causes relationships to strain?
Why are relationships important?
What are the 3 most important relationships?
Let’s take some of these questions and look at some answers.
What are the ingredients for a Happy Relationship? Here are some:
TRUST: One fundamental idea that gets mentioned when discussing this topic, is the idea of Trust. Be it a romantic relationship, a relationship between family members, friends, business, doctor and patient, or teacher and student, there needs to be a good level of trust for the relationship to be happy. When the trust is abused or gone, the relationship deteriorates. Sometimes the trust is given straight away and at other times it is earned but when it is gone, it is difficult to rebuild.
VALUES: Having some matching values is key. Not all values necessarily need to match or align in ranking but having core values match and similar ranking is a good foundation. A bit like the intersect of two circles representing values domain in a Venn diagram. Having some different values is what gives variety and opportunities for learning and growth. When values are not matching and aligned, it has resulted in the relationship failing - be it a married relationship or a business relationship.
THINK WIN-WIN: This is habit 4 from Stephen Covey’s - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It is not about compromise or feeling that you have to give in or give up, but rather about finding a way that both parties in the relationship win, finding a solution that benefits both and both are happy to live with. When we go in with Win-Lose, Lose-Lose, or Lose-Win attitude we are already at a loss. It can become transactional and keeping count such as I gave in this time so next time they have to give in. Win-Win is seeing how best we can serve each other so overall we all benefit.
BRING OUT THE BEST IN EACH OTHER: Related to the Win-Win thinking, you bring out the best in each other, encourage each other to be closer to their potential and grow. Your are living the values, expressing the virtues both during good times and especially during challenging times.
SHARED EXPERIENCES: Shared experiences - either positive ones or challenging ones, help create bonds, memories and opportunity for growth.
COMMUNICATION: LISTEN, TALK, UNDERSTAND (DISCUSS): To really listen to the other person, without judging, interrupting, advising (unless requested) and to just hold space for them is a valuable skill to develop and amazing thing to do. Sometimes they just want to have someone listen, so they can share what they are thinking, feeling and get it out of their system. Talking and sharing conversation helps to understand each other. It lets us know what is going on and can alleviate the issues of expectations and misunderstandings. Conversations can occur during the usual day to day and does not need a designated time such as while washing up, loading the dishwasher, cooking, meal time, driving, before going to bed.
Deep, present listening and talking lead to understanding , discussion and can help deal with stress, anxiety, depression and emotional regulation.
FEEL LOVED, VALUED, CARED FOR… we want to feel loved, valued and cared for. We want to support and be supported, encourage and be encouraged.
“CONNECTION IS WHY WE’RE HERE.
IT’S WHAT GIVES PURPOSE AND MEANING TO OUR LIVES”
The Greater Good Science Centre, Action for Happiness and The Museum of Happiness all put great importance to connection and relationships as essential aspects of Happiness. The Science has shown that feeling connected is vital to our well being. Without feeling connected or having good relationships it can impact our mental health and feelings of loneliness. It has significant health benefits including better resilience and those with good quality relationships living longer.
Oxytocin, one of the happy chemicals released in the body has one of its functions to help with bonding, connection and trust. It is released in a mother when she has given birth to create the mother-child bond. It also helps with our well being by impacting the heart, arteries and vagus nerve. Low Oxytocin leads to low trust, low social interaction, weak relationships, anxiety and fear.
Through acts of kindness, compassion, touch, hugs, contact, gifts and the practice of gratitude we can increase the Oxytocin in our bodies.
“I USED TO THINK THAT THE WORST THING IN LIFE WAS TO END UP ALL ALONE. IT’S NOT. THE WORST THING IN LIFE IS TO END UP WITH PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE.”
Some of the aspects that cause a strain on relationships are: being disloyal, trust gone, not listening, expectations, less shared experiences and quality time together.
John Gottman, a researcher who has studied relationships for over 40 years is able to predict with 91% accuracy if a couple are going to stay together after a few years based on watching a 5 minute clip of the interactions between the couple. What he observed was that if there were 5 or more positive interactions to each negative one then the couple where likely to stay together and those whose ratio of positive to negative was 1:1 or less were likely to split up.
“DON’T WASH THE DISH BECAUSE IT IS DIRTY. DON’T WASH THE DISH BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD YOU TO. WASH THE DISH BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE PERSON THAT WILL USE IT NEXT.”
The concept of a emotional / relational bank account from the work of Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people is a power one and relates to the 5:1 ration that John Gottman shared. The concept is that we all have a relational bank account in a relationship, similar to a normal financial bank account.We can make deposits and withdrawals in this account. However if we make withdrawals before we have made deposits or the value of withdrawals is greater than the deposits then we go into overdraft and that is going to hurt. The value of deposits and withdrawals are not equal, a withdrawal could have a higher value than a deposit. For a deposit to be accepted it must be in the currency valued in the recipients bank.
The Relational /Emotional Bank Account from Stephen Covey
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a fantastic book sharing lessons on personal change from Dependence to Independence to Interdependence. It is one that has had a profound impact on me since my mid twenties. Three of the habits are all about relationships, interdependence, and how we interact with others. These are Think Win-Win, Synergy and Seek first to understand and then to be understood.
THINK WIN-WIN: This is about the attitude of going into a relationship (business, romantic or any other) with a win-win mindset. Finding or creating a solution or agreement that both (all) parties are happy with and can live with. It is not compromise where one feels that they have given up something or transactional where I have compromised / given up this time so the other party must compromise next time. It is a genuine approach to find a solution that benefits both parties where they both win and no one loses. Of course if a solution of win-win can not be found or agreed upon then perhaps a no deal is required.
SYNERGY: Synergy is all about collaboration and cooperation where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, where 1 + 1 = 3 or more. It is where what I can do has a certain limit and likewise what you can do has a limit but together we create something that is far greater then the sum of our two limits. An example of synergy is that a plank of wood across 2 supports can hold a certain amount of weight, let us say for example it it 10 kg. Two such planks individually could hold 20 kg, however if the two planks are put one on top of another there collaboration, cooperation, synergy together allows them to hold 50 kg of weight - exceeding what they could do individually.
We are all here because of the synergy of our parents when 1+1 = 3 or more!
SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND AND THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD: is a beautiful way of mindful listening, being present and holding space. It allows the other person to share, be heard, feel valued and exist without interruption, advice, our own story, thoughts or feelings colouring the moment. In doing so they are in a better position when the time is right to understand us or what we are sharing. Really powerful for negotiation, conflict resolution or to have a deeper bond.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF SHE OR HE IS THE ONE?
I don't believe in "the one" in the soul mate sense.
I do believe there are partners out there that will bring us greatness now and in the future and in turn, it will bring us immense pleasure to bring greatness to them.
By greatness, I mean satisfaction, fulfilment, and growth in every sense of each word.
You will be both a supporter and a mentor to each other.
You are aligned on the values you are passionate about.
You will challenge each other's views and comfort each other when no one else can.
Most importantly, you respect each other enough to listen and you care enough to understand.
When you realise you are the best versions of the people you wish to be when you are around each other, you will know you never want to leave each others’ sides.
Don't be afraid to fall in love.
Dave Radparvar Co-Founder, Holstee
Resources
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Men’s brains and Women’s brains - Mark Gungor
Museum of Happiness Relationships Article
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
THE SECRET TO LONG LASTING HAPPINESS
Let me share with you the secret to long lasting happiness. It is … Gratitude. Thank goodness for gratitude! It is my favourite and niche Happiness habit and has immensely helped me many times through life’s challenges. Gratitude is the practice of counting our blessings for what we already have in our lives. For being thankful with what we have.
Let me share with you the secret to long lasting happiness. It is … Gratitude. Thank goodness for gratitude! It is my favourite and niche Happiness habit and has immensely helped me many times through life’s challenges. Gratitude is the practice of counting our blessings for what we already have in our lives. For being thankful with what we have. For appreciating where are are, what we have and what we are doing. It is the recognition of what is already wonderful in our lives. It is a habit of the heart and when practised regularly helps cultivate and enhance all the other virtues. The Roman, Marcus Cicero is quoted as saying:
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others
Marcus Cicero
Thanks Giving is a a traditional time when many people reflect on gratitude and give thanks for what they already have. Traditionally Thanksgiving started as a harvest festival to give thanks for the harvest collected.
What can you give thanks for, be grateful for that you already have in your life?
Could it be for hot running water? shelter, family, friends, food, heating, transport options, work, study, community, hospitals, etc?
The beauty of gratitude is that it amplifies the good we already have, it helps rescue us from negativity or struggles and fosters connection. It heals, gives hope and helps us not feel deflated.
Some scientific proven benefits for happiness - in particular Gratitude - from Gratitude Researcher Robert Emmons:
Practice of gratitude has dramatic, lasting and positive results: every time
Journal Diary - 2 weeks - sustained reductions in stress (25%) and depression (16%) in health care practitioners
23% lower levels of stress hormones (cortisol)
10% improvement in sleep quality in patients with chronic pain (76 % had insomnia) and 19% lower depression levels
Letter of gratitude reduced feeling of hopelessness in 88% of suicidal patients and increased levels of optimism in 94% of them
Gratitude activates the learning centres in the brain hence helping us be solution focused and found solutions to life’s challenges. It helps increase the release of the happy chemicals such as Dopamine into our system and flush out the stress hormones such as cortisol thereby reducing stress and making us feel happy. It has an impact on our mental and physical health improving our overall well being.
Scientifically proven benefits of gratitude
Resources
21 Day Gratitude Challenge starting 23rd Nov 2019
Invest in a Happiness Journal from Happy Life Habits for £20 - each one bought supports the UNs Sustainable Development Goals by giving a book to a library in India. Get in touch if you would like a journal.
Happy Life Habits does workshops on Happiness at Work, Gratitude, Kindness, Mindfulness, Habits.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
Identity Theft Fraud: How I lost more than 7 figures...and so could you.
During late September 2019 I became a victim of identity theft fraud and I lost more than 7 figures. This impacted my happiness, peace, focus and productivity. It happened to me, it happened to food writer Jack Monroe, it happened to Twitter founder Jack Dorsey and it very easily could happen to you!
During late September 2019 I became a victim of identity theft fraud and I lost more than 7 figures. This impacted my happiness, peace, focus and productivity. It happened to me, it happened to food writer Jack Monroe, it happened to Twitter founder Jack Dorsey and it very easily could happen to you!
If you have a mobile phone, you could also become a victim - the potential damage, stress and hassle is huge. Trust me take the various steps mentioned to minimise your risk, the damage , the stress and the hassle. In this case prevention is better than cure.
This article chronicles what happened, how I dealt with it, steps you can take to reduce your risk and some great resources to help you.
On a Monday afternoon, I had a couple of calls from an unknown number to my mobile number, when I answered nobody spoke but it sounded like a call centre. I dismissed it as one of the many calls often received regarding PPI, or an investment opportunity or such. However in hindsight my Spider senses started tingling. I later understood that a call is often made to the mobile to check that the number is live.
Then around 5 pm I got a text message from my mobile network provider saying here is my PAC code (Porting Authorisation Code) and it is valid for 30 days. PAC codes are used to transfer or port a number from one network to another. A few minutes later I got text message from new network provider welcoming me to the network and saying that my number will be transferred in the next 24 hours. I later found out this was already too late and the point of no return - the damage had already be done! The fraudster already had control of my number and all things connected to it.
This all caused a panic as I knew not having my mobile number would cause hassles. The 2 main thoughts were: (1) my number had been given by mistake, a typo or something or (2) that something bad was going on.
I called my network provider and explained that I had not requested the PAC code and did not want to be ported to another network provider. That this process had to be stopped as so much is linked to my number, a number I have had for best part of 2 decades. In a way that number was part of me, my identity. I was assured that technical services would be made aware and if the number was ported that it would be able to get it back (relatively quickly I thought). I also found the number for the new network provider and called them explaining my predicament. They could not find my name or number on their systems and said I would have to wait for the number to switch before it could be switched back. Unfortunately the customer service teams at both networks did not action their fraud teams.
The PAC code request and start of switch had occurred around 5 pm - the time when many people are commuting so not actively able to view or check their messages. Also the customer service teams / fraud teams at the phone providers often only provide service till 6 pm so the fraudster took advantage of all this.
The next morning I had an email from my credit reference agency highlighting activity over the last 7 days. There was an entry on it for identity check that I did not recognise that had occurred the day before on the Monday. The Spider senses were on full alert. I probed into the report further, found the credit agency and queried them. To my horror, the fraudster had set up an account on another credit reference platform under my details and had access to my full credit report - my financial information of banks, credit cards, loans, mortgages, addresses, linked people etc. I later found out they had also done a credit card application quotation. This is when I knew things were not right.
My credit reference provider advised me to contact the platform and get the account closed. I also was directed to contact Action Fraud to lodge identity theft issue, sign up with the other major credit reference agencies (TransUnion, Experian and Equifax being the main 3 in the UK). I also went to CIFAS, an organisation that deals with fraud prevention and took out their 2 year Protective Registration service which means processes for taking out financial products etc.will be slower as extra steps will be needed.
Then just after midday I got a text from one of my credit card companies saying that a transaction valued £900 for a purchase from a particular company had been flagged as suspected fraud activity and for me to reply if the transactions were mine with a ‘Y’ or a ‘N’. I replied ‘N’ and got another message to call my credit card company on a particular number. I had read about fraudsters able to spoof emails and phone numbers to look like they are genuinely from a particular company and being on high alert with my Spider senses switched on I checked on the credit card companies website and confirmed the number was in fact genuine. I called them and talked through the transactions that were not mine informing that last night my mobile number had been requested to be switched so I was in the middle of identity theft fraud. They were great, reassuring and immediately cancelled my credit card and issued new ones. I requested that my mobile number be taken off as my mobile number was going out of my hands. I logged this fraud transaction activity with Action Fraud.
Just a few hours later I lost service on my phone. I called my number and it went to the voicemail of the new network provider. That was it, I was the victim of identity theft fraud known as ‘SIM Swap’, ‘Port Out’, ‘SIM Switch’ and other similar names. I still had my phone but no service, no number and no idea what next. I called my network provider as well as the new one and explained that fraud had already been attempted and for them to block the number and switch it back asap. I was annoyed and frustrated that despite being proactive and highlighting the issue and potential troubles; again unfortunately the teams at the network providers did not action the fraud teams or in my opinion actively deal with the incident to limit the damage.
Imagine if the text from my credit card company had been a few hours later when I no longer had my phone number and the fraudster had it. They would have received the text, replied Y and had the £900+ transaction go through and I would have been none the wiser, no idea that anything was wrong.
I saw a message come up on my phone about Yahoo Account Keys - I thought it suspicious but did not comprehend what it was about. This was the next step in the fraudsters process as I later found out.
At around 5 pm (24 hours after the PAC code request and submission to another provider) I saw an email come into my inbox, luckily I was online and on my email. The email was from Samsung confirming the order for 2 high end mobile phones worth over £2,000 to be delivered the next day by courier. The email had a name, delivery address and a contact number (no doubt all also identity thefts of another victim). Now panic set in, my email was hacked and compromised. Oh Shit, this is bad. What else was impacted?
This is where my childhood dream of being a detective really kicked in. I had to put my investigative skills to use. My practices of gratitude and mindfulness helped me with clarity of thought, planning and solution finding. I had to :
Secure my emails
Contact Samsung and flag the fraud
Consider what else is at risk and get a plan together - in reality everything was at risk; all things connected to my email address or mobile number such as other online accounts for shopping, banking, credit cards, financials, personal data, business, social media
Remember I don’t have my mobile number so needing to use a landline or somebody else’s mobile number and now I don’t have full control of my email. The 2 main communication channels, my mobile number and my email were not in my full control!
I called Samsung told them that order was fraudulent, to stop the transaction and not deliver the 2 phones the next day. I asked them how it had been paid for and was told PayPal. I tried to log into my PayPal account but could not so had to request pass code/password via alternative option of email. I could not do using the my connected mobile number as I no longer had it. I managed to get into PayPal as see what method of payment was used; another credit card. I contacted the credit card company explained what had happened and asked for the transaction to be stopped, my card cancelled and re-issued. Again their customer service and fraud team were great, reassuring and explained what would happen and that I would not be out of pocket.
I initially struggled to get a number for PayPal and talk to someone (again UK team closes at at certain time) but did manage to get through to someone I think maybe in USA explain what was happening and requested the transaction be stopped, my account blocked till further notice. They took action immediately. I was realising that whatever I used my phone for to get pass codes to access the account was at risk - almost everything: bank accounts, emails, financial platforms - almost anything with an account, email and pass code via text message.
Frantically trying to work out how to secure yahoo email, remove the mobile number pass code and use alternate email option. The fraudster had used a feature of Yahoo called account keys which means if Yahoo is accessed from the device with the mobile number no password etc needs to be entered. It is a faster access method.
From Yahoo web page:
“Tired of remembering and managing multiple passwords? Account Key is more secure and lets you use your mobile phone instead of a password to sign in. Once enabled, Yahoo sends a notification to the mobile device of your choice. You can approve access with a tap on your phone, so no one else can get into your account.”
However if you no longer have you mobile number and the fraudster has put into a new phone, requested account keys to set up access to your Yahoo email then they have access to your email even if you change he password as the phone is the device to allow log in.
I looked in my deleted folder and saw a Yahoo pass code request notification email, the fraudster had received this and deleted it without my noticing it. I also saw a similar one for PayPal. This is how they had accessed these accounts. There was also one for an Argos account having been created.
I had to secure my email by removing the link to my mobile number and get the email browser session closed that the fraudster was using. This took a few hours to research, experiment and try but after 9 pm it seemed to be that I had secured my email by removing the mobile number completely as an alternate option, changing my password by using an alternate email option. On Yahoo you can go to Account Info and see recent activity. Here I could see the browser sessions that were open for yahoo. The fraudster had a session open so I signed out from all sessions. With that action, removing the mobile number and changing the password I felt the email was now secure again.
I went to the Argos site and asked for a password reset by email to my Yahoo account. Using this I reset the password and was able to get into the Argos account the fraudster had set up. In the basket was another £900 phone ready to be purchased. The name on the account was different from the Samsung one - so probably a bogus or one of another identity fraud victim. The email was obviously mine which they had access of up to this point and the mobile number for contact was the same as the one on the Samsung order. This led me to believe that the fraudster was using that number to get notifications of delivery for the orders placed. I believe that the address and name the fraudster had used on the order was probably of another identity theft victim and also that the mobile number was another victim of sim swap. With the delivery courier using text to say when they will deliver the phones I suspect the fraudster waited outside the delivery address with the phone and text message so they could show the courier, take receipt of the phones and be on their way with not trace left.
I checked my other email accounts for recent activity and any change requests to see if they had been compromised.
I needed to think fast and started contacting some of my credit card providers and banks to highlight that I was victim of identity theft fraud and my mobile number that is connected to the card had been compromised so to be extra vigilant with any activity or change requests on the account or transactions and to temporarily remove my number.
After being on edge all day, reacting and responding to events as they unfolded, I turned in late at night after a day where I needed to think on my feet fast, act quickly, be vigilant and mindful with my game of cat and mouse with the fraudster I thought of the damage that they were so easily able to do in 24 hours or so. Take control of my phone number and any associated alerts, use one of my credit cards, access my email and subsequently my PayPal account and hence another credit card, set up an Argos account and attempted over £4,000 worth of purchases for 4 high end mobile phones. I thought the financial damage was limited as the credit card company had caught the credit card usage, I had contacted Samsung about the 2 phones so deliver could be thwarted and I had accessed and changed the Argos account.
I woke up at 4 am with a need to double check that my email was secure and no further activity had occurred. It was safe. I also worried about another bank account and some credit cards I had not informed them of the fraud activity going on. I called them, spoke to the fraud teams explaining what was going on and requested for my cards to be cancelled and re-issued, for my mobile number to be removed from the accounts, to freeze any online access to the accounts. I spoke with Action Fraud again highlighting what had happened adding more information to reports including information about the Samsung delivery later that day which could allow them to catch the fraudster. I filed a police report and gave them a run down of the sequence of events and again details of the number I believe the fraudster is using to receive delivery information and when the delivery for Samsung was going to be so they could attempt to catch them. I later found out that no action was done by Action Fraud, the police or by Samsung so the fraudster did get away with 2 high end phones worth over £2,000. This was disappointing after having given enough information and acting proactively to various organisations.
I emailed and contacted my network provider making a complaint, sharing the police report case number and requesting action from the teams / senior management. Eventually action took place and I got my number back after one week while the fraudster was able to take my number in a few hours. Something very wrong with this.
I set up my profile on other credit reference agencies and set up a password for any requests.
The fraudster only needed my name, address, date of birth and mobile number to initiate the sim swap - they were not asked for pin / password or memorable information associated with my account. I am sure they also had my email address and the long number of one of my credit cards. How they got this I do not know. It could be a data breach from a company that has my information, it could be a dodgy employee at a company or discarded paperwork from a company ( I shred all my personal info before discarding).
At the end of the day the fraudster got away with 2 high end mobile phone worth over £2,000, I did not lose any money from my accounts; however I was not able to progress my normal day to day activities whilst I dealt with this issue so that had a knock on impact as did all the research, phones calls, time waiting and explaining.
“Identity Theft Fraud: How I lost more than 7 figures...
this was my mobile number not financial sum!”
Throughout this incident I was reminded of the age old question that we must all answer at some stage ….
WHO AM I?
I am grateful for fraud activity alerts
I am grateful for fraud activity teams
I am grateful for being vigilant, aware and alert.
I am grateful for informative articles on identify theft and organisations that help
This is a very quick and easy fraud that can happen to you and cause a lot of damage, hassle and worry. Please take steps suggested to reduce your risk and also share with others
ACTION PLAN
Here are suggested actions to take to reduce your risk and other resources.
Read these articles to understand the damage that can be caused and how easily
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-50043230
https://www.theverge.com/2019/8/31/20841448/jack-dorsey-twitter-hacked-account-sim-swapping
https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/sim-swap-criminals-really-number
Contact your network provider and request to have a password set up that must be used for any PAC requests or account access/changes
Create a free account with the 3 main credit reference companies in the UK and request for a password to be associated for any credit profile or report requests.
Transunion Telephone 0330 024 7574 https://www.transunion.co.uk
Experian Limited Telephone: 0344 481 0800 www.experian.co.uk
Equifax Ltd Telephone: 0800 014 2955/ 0333 321 4043 www.equifax.co.uk
Dissociate your mobile number from your email for pass codes/password resets. This is one of the most important things to do but not the easiest. Set up two factor authentication (2FA) by using a trusted 2nd mobile number (e.g. a second personal sim, partner’s number etc.) and/or alternate email account.
Set up alerts on you various financial accounts such as banking, credit card company, share dealing, crypto, business accounts (e..g mailchimp etc) to send email and text when a login to account occurs, a transaction is done such as a payment and regular balance / transaction updates. This will let you monitor activity and stay vigilant.
Check haveibeenpwned.com to see if your email / data has been part of the many data breaches occurring in organisations
Register with CIFAS.org.uk (the UK’s Fraud Prevention Service) and request a Protective Registration to be applied to your credit details. A CIFAS Protection Registration warning on an address indicates to lenders and other organisations that they may need to carry out additional checks on any applications from that address. Telephone 0330 100 0180.
If you become a victim of fraud contact the police and Action Fraud Telephone 0300 123 2040 https://www.actionfraud.police.uk/
This article, The SIM Swapping Bible, is packed with brilliant information, is very comprehensive, has action steps and is a must read and action as much as you can. I am taking action on many of the suggestions.
Please do take action regarding this issue - do not be complacent, that is what the fraudsters are counting on. Share with others and please share your suggestions, recommendations and useful information/tips in the comments.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
THE INEVITABLE - DEATH, THE END OF LIVING
“Life and time are the two best teachers. Life teaches us to make good use of time and time teaches us the value of life”. Over the last few years I have been attending more prayer meetings and funerals for family members, friends parents and wider community members. Each time it is a stark reminder of how short life is, not to waste time on the mundane and to do the things that matter. Also each time I am often at a loss on how best to respond, what to say and how to provide some support and solace despite deep feelings of empathy and compassion. Each time it makes me reflect on my ageing parents and in-laws and ultimately on my own life and mortality.
“Life and time are the two best teachers. Life teaches us to make good use of time and time teaches us the value of life.”
This is dedicated in memory to my good friend Bobby Shah, aged 47, who passed away on 15 October 2019.
I had been meaning to write on this topic soon after writing about my experience of identity theft (still to be completed and published - it is not as important).
Over the last few years I have been attending more prayer meetings and funerals for family members, friends parents and wider community members. Each time it is a stark reminder of how short life is, not to waste time on the mundane and to do the things that matter. Also each time I am often at a loss on how best to respond, what to say and how to provide some support and solace despite deep feelings of empathy and compassion. Each time it makes me reflect on my ageing parents and in-laws and ultimately on my own life and mortality.
During a couple weeks towards the end of Summer I was hearing about people we knew or their relatives passing away almost on a daily basis. In some cases it was old age, others health in one of many forms of cancer, related to heart problems, diabetes or an accident. Almost on a daily basis we hear on the news about a knife related murder in the capital.
Even with spiritual learning, faith, personal development and knowledge of the science of happiness and understanding that our true nature is an eternal Soul it is hard to deal with death. I share about time management and Begin with the End in mind.
This is a poem shared by one of Bobby’s friends which is apt.
Farewell My Friends by Rabindranath Tagore
Farewell My Friends
It was beautiful
As long as it lasted
The journey of my life.
I have no regrets
Whatsoever said
The pain I’ll leave behind.
Those dear hearts
Who love and care...
And the strings pulling
At the heart and soul...
The strong arms
That held me up
When my own strength
Let me down.
At the turning of my life
I came across
Good friends,
Friends who stood by me
Even when time raced me by.
Farewell, farewell My friends
I smile and
Bid you goodbye.
No, shed no tears
For I need them not
All I need is your smile.
If you feel sad
Do think of me
For that’s what I’ll like
When you live in the hearts
Of those you love
Remember then
You never die.
According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross there are 5 chronological stages to grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
We were aware that Bobby had a cardiac arrest two weeks ago and were getting regular updates on his situation. Latest update had been that small progress was in the right direction. Knowing his character of being a fighter and young in age we really thought and hoped he would pull through. Alas the news on Tuesday 15th October 2019 in the afternoon gut wrenched us. We were numb, my wife and I consoled each other. We checked in and spoke with friends to see how they were doing. I was and still am filled with a real sense of loss, remorse, sadness and grief that I have not felt and experienced in a long time. Being a positive, optimistic, happy person with practices to help me stay that way I have not embraced or felt these emotions of loss, grief and sadness in a long time.
Tuesday evening the emotions over ran and I cried uncontrollably being consoled and hugged by my wife. Since then I have often been moist eyed and am as I write this. I still need a good cry - to wallow in the grief. My thoughts often go to Bobby, the memories and that sense of loss and regret. A few times while driving I have missed turnings as mind wandering. Time seems to have slowed down.
My wife and I discussed that not having physical health can be an impact on quality of life, so can not having mental health (be it depression or any form of dementia) while having good physical health. In fact all 4 need to be kept good: Physical, Mental, Social/Emotional and Spiritual. See previous post
A palliative nurse called Bronnie Ware who cared for people in their last 12 weeks of life has captured in a book The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying :
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Something for us to reflect on and action.
Here are some of the things that I have shared with others to help during this difficult time that may help
What were their strongest qualities?
How were they expressed (stories, anecdotes, examples, etc.)?
What was their life motto/key principles?
What are your fondest memories?
The challenges they faces and how they dealt with them
The use of the happiness journal.
I am grateful for having Bobby in my life
I am grateful for the time we shared and memories created
I am grateful that he is no longer in pain or suffering
Bobby was a great friend to all and very sociable.
He was not afraid to try new things and made bold choices. He studied graphic design and pursued a career in that area during a time when most people were pursuing careers in accountancy, medical related, business or IT. This pursuit led him to work for the esteemed Fitch consultancy. Another bold choice was during the internet revolution he left core graphic design to be part of a start up working for may months in India as a co-founder of a tech start up. He re-skilled and saw opportunities in digital recruitment and later as a digital career coach.
He was an early advocate of Apple Macs before Apple became mainstream.
His friendly, encouraging, helpful and cheerful personality meant he touched many hearts. Community Service was a strong aspect of his life and he helped many community organisations, companies and individuals including Navnat, Veerayatan and Young Jains. Many spiritual leaders and saints from the various Jain organisations and groups where praying for him over the last 2 weeks.
He saw a need to help and created groups : Dance with Diabetics and one for Career mums. He loved dancing.
I have many fond memories from our 20s and 30s where we spent most time together. Most weekends we would be either going to the cinema, plays, shows, club, family picnic, out for a meal, getting together at someone's house watching a movie, playing games or just chatting.
Going ski-ing with a large group in the late 90s, joining friends who were going to Manchester to watch international cricket, garden parties and family picnics in the summer, going to Pizza Express after Navnat Youth Badminton or almost each week after 20 week Jain Course being taught by our Jain teacher - Mr Vinodbhai Kapashi.
The various groups of friends had shared various milestones in each others lives such as birthdays, job changes, engagements, marriage, birth of children, passing of parents, Diwali, Christmas and so forth. He has now taken the courageous and bold step to work on his next big project.
I regret not making so many positive memories in recent times or being there more often for him and family during the last few years.
May his Soul Rest in Peace. Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.
Resources and Actions
This is a wonderful collection of resources please do look into them
Live with Loss by my friend Suraj Shah a trained bereavement support visitor
Organising a Jain Funeral by my friend Heena Modi (Suraj’s wife) has written an excellent article with great links (whether Jain or not)
Get a Will and Power of Attorney sorted, I recommend contacting my friend Shandip Shah of Balance Consultancy
Talk to family and friends of what you are feeling and going through - share your feelings and emotions, write them down/ journal them - do not keep them bottled up. Being aware of your present emotions, sensations and thoughts is much of what mindfulness is about
Begin with the End in Mind - focus on what matters and do those things - it is more about health, relationships, emotions and less about more hours in the office or bigger pay packet, though do not neglect creating habits for long term financial security.
Read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom - based on true story, reminds us what matters
Watch and read The Last Lecture again true story of a cancer patient, beautiful messages - include some of my favourites like Disney and Star Wars!
Re-watch the classic Steve Jobs Stanford speech - How to Live before you die.
Really useful podcast on 6th stage of grief by Commune.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
WHAT’S MY PURPOSE? WHY AM I HERE?
(This article was commissioned for the Young Jains Magazine on the theme of Purpose Summer 2019)
These questions and other related ones are what many of us ponder and ask ourselves at various points in our life. Some find answers and begin living their purpose, others keep searching and some stop asking or never asked.
(This article was commissioned for the Young Jains Magazine on the theme of Purpose Summer 2019)
These questions and other related ones are what many of us ponder and ask ourselves at various points in our life. Some find answers and begin living their purpose, others keep searching and some stop asking or never asked.
There are many books, articles and workshops that are available to help answer “How do I find my purpose in life?”. Something can only be found if it is lost. I do not believe we find our purpose; I believe we uncover our purpose, our life's calling. It has always been there, just need to be uncovered. This is likened to the Michael Angelo quotes:
“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free”
“Every block of stone has a statue inside and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it”
Our purpose is within us and our journey is to uncover it and live it.
When I was a teenager doing the examinations in GCSEs (O levels) and A levels I did not know what I wanted to do as I grew up. My older brother Raju was studying Computer Science/IT and suggested I do that as a degree. 4 years later with a degree, masters and having met my life partner Harshna, I was looking for a job in a recession hit economy. After months for applying for various jobs and not having any luck; Raju showed me an article in a computing magazine about a US consultancy firm that was setting up offices in Europe. I tracked down the phone number for the company (pre- Google); made contact and sent my C.V. I got a job as a trainee consultant and was one of the first 10 UK employees. I was sent to the US on an assignment for a few weeks (become a few months). During this time; the early 90s; I was introduced to the now classic book Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. During the same time I attended my first of many personal development seminars. I flew back from the US for 4 nights to attend Tony Robbins (No1 Success Coach) Unleash The Power Weekend (UPW) which involved walking on hot coals on the first night of the seminar! Also around the same time I was attending YJ events and becoming more active. These experiences and learnings from them were conducive to uncovering my purpose. I was keen to put into practice and share what I had learnt. This led to me joining the YJ committee and being on convention committees.
The 7 Habits book has had a phenomenal impact, in particular habit 2 “Begin with the End in Mind”. This has an exercise to write a personal mission statement. This I did and has been guiding most of the decisions and activities I have been involved with since the mid 90s.
I have not often publicly shared my personal mission statement; however here it is to help inspire others to think about theirs:
“I continuously contribute, learn, grow and make a positive difference to all in my environment adding tremendous value.
I am a caring, loving, supportive family member and friend.
I act with integrity, truthfulness and do the right thing.
I use my time effectively, am a creator of wealth, value and abundance. I achieve balance”
This has been my North Star, my compass and resulted in my active involvement in Young Jains, Shree Chandana Vidhya Peeth (SCVP), Museum of Happiness, Service Space, Oshwal and Shishukunj.
This mission and my values have been challenged even sometimes compromised. I worked in Finance Technology in Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS the bank) during the RBS takeover of NatWest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis during which RBS had to be bailed out. Upon leaving RBS through redundancy in 2016 I took time out to consider the next chapter in my life. During this time through various experiences, conversations, reading and pondering that added to existing ones; pondering on what is important to me; reflecting on my mission statement; has led to an uncovering of my current purpose in life: Being a Happiness Coach and through my business Happy Life Habits : Positively Impacting Happiness and Well Being Levels.
A concept that has become popular is Ichigai a Japense term.
“Ikigai is a Japanese concept that means “a reason for being.” The word “ikigai” is usually used to indicate the source of value in one’s life or the things that make one’s life worthwhile. The word translated to English roughly means “thing that you live for” or “the reason for which you wake up in the morning.” Wikipedia
”
Japanese concept of Ikigai
Purpose and Meaning are components of The Science of Happiness for a happy life.
I share the definition of happiness from researcher and author of “The How of Happiness”, Sonja Lyubomirsky:
“The experience of joy, contentment, or positive wellbeing, combined with a sense of one’s life is good, meaningful and worthwhile”
In a succinct way I guess my purpose and perhaps the purpose for everyone is :
“To be happy and help others be happy”
That’s why I am here. How about you?
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
Why be Happy, Healthy, Wealthy and Wise?
This article was written for the Oshwal Health and Care Fair Brochure as part of the Oshwal Health and Care Fair in June 2019 where Happy Life Habits had a talk on Stress and Resilience.
Why be Happy, Healthy, Wealthy and Wise?
Recently I read
“You only live once. That is incorrect! You die once but you get to live every day.”
This article was written for the Oshwal Health and Care Fair Brochure as part of the Oshwal Health and Care Fair in June 2019 where Happy Life Habits had a talk on Stress and Resilience.
Why be Happy, Healthy, Wealthy and Wise?
Recently I read
“You only live once. That is incorrect! You die once but you get to live every day.”
Developing habits to be happy, healthy, wealthy and wise you can live a very happy, fulfilling, meaningful and harmonious life each and every day with great energy, focus and resilience, as well as problem solving capabilities. I am excited to share scientific insights and practical tips on how you can do this.
What is Happiness? What is The Science of Happiness
Happiness is more than a fleeting emotion. It is an innate part of who we truly are. From my field, The Science of Happiness, I share the definition researcher and author of “The How of Happiness”, Sonja Lyubomirsky:
“The experience of joy, contentment, or positive wellbeing, combined with a sense of one’s life is good, meaningful and worthwhile”
Take a moment to reflect and absorb that definition.
The Science of Happiness does research and experiments to find out the things that make us happy, as defined above. It covers all of these areas in the diagram titled “Your Brain on Greater Good”.
What we in the field are finding is that many of the factors leading to following can be managed, so that we can lessen or prevent:
Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, overwhelm, loss of direction and low productivity. We know how this all impacts our relationships, sense of loneliness and life balance.
The science show us that there are regular practices and habit which help rewire the brain and increase the happy chemicals - Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphins - and all without the use of medicine or drugs.
What is Health?
The World Health Organisation, WHO, defines health as:
“Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity”
Health is a dynamic condition resulting from adapting and adjusting to changes and stresses in our environment.
For me it has 4 components; 3 of which are covered by the WHO definition. These 4, according to the Stephen Covey classic “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, make up the 4 human dimensions. They are: Physical, Mental, Social/Emotional and Spiritual. All 4 are interconnected and when any one of them is negatively impacted we feel imbalanced, out of sorts and not our whole self, not being able to fully engage with life. For example, a physical injury such as a sprained foot can impact your mental and emotional wellbeing with thoughts and feelings of pain. Or when you are stressed or worried about something, those feelings can manifest in physical conditions, such as not being able to sleep, loss of appetite and feeling down.
All 4 dimensions are required to be healthy and live a full life.
What is Wealth?
If you have jumped straight to this section without reading the previous ones go back!⇑
Wealth in some cases is described as a large amount of money or valuables that someone has. It is also described as a large amount of something good e.g. “He has a wealth of experience in teaching”. There are many options to learn more about wealth from individuals, companies, books and groups.
A lack of wealth can cause unhappiness and health concerns. In many cases the paradox is that the pursuit of wealth leads to a decline in health and then that wealth is needed to restore or manage the health.
A certain amount of money is needed to live well in the world. For each person this is a different amount. Consider how much you really need and how much is for your wants. The Science of Happiness says that earning above $70,000 does not significantly improve a person’s happiness.
In research, one group were given some money, about $20, and told to spend it on themselves and another group given the same amount of money and told not to spend it on themselves. The group that spent it on someone else had higher happiness levels. Also spending it on experiences as opposed to material things led to more happiness.
My own take on this is that a certain amount of money/assets etc. is needed to live well - think how much you really need. However real wealth is bigger than the finances, money, assets, and properties. It cultivates an abundance mindset - that there is enough for everyone. It encompasses giving the wealth of our time, energy, knowledge, service and money for a greater good. Being present, being there.
That the wealth should flow and do as much good as possible. Earn it, save it, invest it, grow it, protect it and share it.
Warren Buffet one of the richest person in the world and a great investor is quoted as saying
“The best investment you can make is in yourself”
What is Wisdom?
Wikipedia defines wisdom as
“Wisdom, sapience, or sagacity is the ability to think and act using knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense and insight”.
From our health perspective The Serenity Prayer provides wise advice:
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.”
Keep learning. From the Science of Happiness we know that learning new things positively impacts our happiness. Talks on Dementia highlight that an active, learning brain can help prevent or reduce the onset of Dementia. When learning, the brain is making new associations, connections and wiring the neurons. Learning new positive habits helps us feel good, stay well and deal better with life challenges. Some happy habits are counting your blessings, 3 good things –listing 3 good things that happened to you each day and mindfulness. The key is to practice them regularly so they become a daily habit and part of your lifestyle.
Patch Adams
Patch Adams the real life doctor who was played by the magnificent Robin Williams in the inspiring film of the same name has said:
“When we treat an illness we either win or lose, but if we treat the person, listen to them and love them, we can’t fail”
“The most radical act anyone can commit to is to be happy”
Benefits of Happiness & How to practice
Often when we have something we do not appreciate it until we lose it. This is often the case with good health, we often do not worry about it or pay much attention to it until it starts to deteriorate or be lost. That is where the practice of Gratitude, being grateful and counting our blessings comes in.
Some scientific proven benefits for happiness - in particular Gratitude - from Gratitude Researcher Robert Emmons:
Practice of gratitude has dramatic, lasting and positive results: every time
Journal Diary - 2 weeks - sustained reductions in stress (25%) and depression (16%) in health care practitioners
23% lower levels of stress hormones (cortisol)
10% improvement in sleep quality in patients with chronic pain (76 % had insomnia) and 19% lower depression levels
Letter of gratitude reduced feeling of hopelessness in 88% of suicidal patients and increased levels of optimism in 94% of them
References
Lyubomirsky, Sonja : “The How of Happiness”
Greater Good Science Center, University of Berkeley: Image of Brain on Greater Good
Covey, Stephen : The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
WHO, Definition of Health : https://www.who.int/about/who-we-are/frequently-asked-questions
Emmons, Robert : The Little Book of Gratitude
Williams, Nick - Patch Adams quote: The Work we were Born to Do
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
HAPPY HABITS FOR HAPPY LIFE
Habits run our life.
They can serve us or dis-empower us. They can be 40% of our behaviour in any given day. We can have bad habits or good habits. Cultivate good, positive habits that serve and empower you.
By definition a habit is “An action or decision repeated and repeated till automatic”. It is moving from the conscious mind to the subconscious.
Habits run our life.
They can serve us or dis-empower us. They can be 40% of our behaviour in any given day. We can have bad habits or good habits. Cultivate good, positive habits that serve and empower you.
By definition a habit is “An action or decision repeated and repeated till automatic”. It is moving from the conscious mind to the subconscious.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit”
One of my favourite books and one that has had a big influence on me is Stephen Covey’s fantastic book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. He defines “A habit is the intersection of knowledge (what to, why to), skills (how to) and desire (want to)”. All three must exist - the knowledge of what to do and why to do it, the skills on how to do it and the desire to want to do it.
SEVEN HABITS
He highlights 7 Habits for Lessons in Personal Change. These Habits are:
Be Proactive - The Habit of Choice
Begin with the End in Mind - The Habit of Vision
Think First Things First - The Habit of Integrity and Execution
Think Win-Win - The Habit of Mutual Benefit
Seek First to Understand and then to be Understood - The Habit of Mutual Understanding
Synergize - The Habit of Creative Cooperation
Sharpen the Saw - The Habit of Renewal
THE ANATOMY OF A HABIT
A habit has 3 key components :
A cue or trigger / reminder
An action of routine
A reward
This is the habit loop - a cue occurs that leads to an action and then a reward and then this is repeated and repeated.
For example, with the smoking habit
Cue - Feeling of stress and work colleagues going outside for a break
Action - Take cigarette, light and smoke it, chat with work colleagues have a break
Reward - Feeling less stressed, social connection, be outside
Another example, taking a mindful moment
Cue - Feeling of stress or overwhelm
Action - Take a moment outside to go for a mindful walk, focusing on your breath or each step
Reward - feeling less stressed, be outside
Action: Identify the Cue, Action and Reward in one of your dis-empowering and one empowering habit
KEYSTONE HABITS
One type of habit is the Keystone Habit. A Keystone Habit is one that leads to the development of multiple good habits. They start a chain effect of positive results. According to Charles Duhigg, “The Power of Habit” , keystone habits have the power to transform your life. An example is regular exercise also fosters better eating habits. Or sleeping 8 hours a night fosters better energy and productivity.
The name Keystone comes from the building of an arch. The last stone, a wedge shaped one to be put in place at the apex is the keystone (or capstone) which locks all the others in place, providing structure and allowing the other stones to bear the weight.
“Goals set a target/direction, like a Sat Nav. Habits help us progress towards the goal. It is the process /action/decision”
ATOMIC STEPS
Think small, easy, tiny, atomic actions/ habits. This is related to the idea of marginal gains, small changes done each day that over time compound (See books The Slight Edge and The Compound Effect). The British Cycling team used this idea to make small changes in all areas that led to great success. E.g teaching cyclists how to thoroughly wash hands to avoid infection, change in bike material to be marginally lighter, taking cyclists bed mattresses and pillows to hotels so they feel at home and rested.
Some more examples of atomic steps
for exercise to get to 20 push ups a day, choose and commit to 1 push up each day.
For dental hygiene choose and commit to 1 tooth flossed each day.
For reading choose and commit to read 1 page each day.
These should be easy to do, take little time and are foundations to add to and build from as progress and momentum is made.
SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS
Layout your tools, supplies, equipment.
For running have running shoes and gym bag by bed or door.
For reading have book by bedside or in daily bag.
For a dis-empowering habit such as smoking cigarettes do the opposite - make the action difficult to do e,g put cigarette pack in a locked box, outside of house in far corner of garden and give key to friend who lives 30 minutes away.
“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going”
As we repeatedly do something the neurons in the brain fire and wire so with repetition new wiring / pathways are created which become stronger and replace the previous created ones.
“Repetition is the mother of skill”
SETTING YOUR OWN HABITS
We can have goals and habits in all aspects of our life including: Relationships, Work/Career, Family, Health, Spiritual & Financial.
Here are some guidelines to help build successful, positive, empowering habits.
Identify a cue or cues e.g. Set a time and location, use phone reminder, post it note
Think small, easy, tiny, atomic actions/ habits.
Set yourself up for success - create environment, layout supplies
Have a partner or community who are also working on same things
Pick yourself up if you fall, get back on track
Celebrate the successes
It takes 21 days to create a habit, 90 days to create a lifestyle.
Jerry Seinfeld the comic has reportedly used a yearly wall planner to develop his habit of writing a joke each day of the year. Each day he writes a joke and then marks a cross on his planner. This visual cue and action becomes the habit where he does not want to break the chain. For effective habit formation - monitoring and measured are needed. As the saying goes “What gets measured gets done”.
Consider your existing habits and ones you want to develop …
What is the cue?
What already existing Habit/Cue can I link this with?
What is the action?
What is the reward?
What are the obstacles I may face?
How will I overcome the obstacles?
MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
My keystone habit is the daily practice of gratitude, actively and consistently since the start of 2017. This has supported additional habits of:
daily journaling using a happiness journal,
regular reading and study,
Mindfulness & meditation (Monthly Awakin circles - Awakin.org)
exercise - playing badminton twice a week, walking, swimming and sauna,
regular prayer and service.
I have developed habits in the areas of Physical, Mental, Social/Emotional and Spiritual, these help me lead a happy, effective, productive and meaningful life. I wish you the same.
“Sow a thought, reap an action,
Sow an action, reap a habit,
Sow a habit, reap a character,
Sow a character, reap a destiny”
Shaileen, with Vicky Johnson and Shamash Alidina, the founders of the Museum of Happiness are sharing a Habits of Happiness workshop at the Winter Happiness Festival.
Content Sources for article
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen Covey
The Slight Edge - Jeff Olson
The Power of Habit - Charles Duhigg
Atomic Habits - James Clear
The Compound Effect - Darren Hardy
How to develop better habits in 2019 - Ryan Holiday