A Christmas Care - Role (Carol) Who Cares? for the Carer? Dementia/Parkinson's/Old Age/Grief/Loneliness

In the story of Jesus’ birth there are three kings who come bearing gifts. In Charles Dickens’ The Christmas Carol there are 4 ghosts who visit Ebeneezer Scrooge. His business partner Jacob Marley and the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future.

On 11th Dec 2020 our world changed when my father suddenly passed (https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/news/2020/12/24/live-love-learn-amp-legacy) away within 36 hours. He was the primary carer for my mum. We had the gifts and ghosts of : Old age, Grief, Loneliness, Parkinson’s and Dementia. That was part of our inheritance.

Without those gifts and ghosts this article would not be written, published and shared.

As time goes by, the probability that someone close to you will be impacted by dementia is increasing. 

“One of the hardest things in life is to know that you cannot stop the decline as you witness firsthand the diminishing cognitive capacity of a loved one due to progressive incurable neurological conditions such as Parkinson’s or Dementia. 

To observe them becoming a shadow of themselves day by day; the impact on their physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual wellbeing. Knowing there is nothing you can do to stop that decline. Experiencing the loss each day as anticipatory grief.” 

This article is about my role as a carer for my mum who is elderly, grieving, lonely and suffering from the progressive and incurable neurological conditions of both Parkinson’s and Dementia. It shares the perspective of the carer, the challenges faced, how best to look after yourself as well as how to look after and interact with someone who has these conditions or someone you are caring for. 

I salute all those who are carers of any type and ask you to support those who you know who are doing a caring role.

“Once, a student approached Rumi and asked, How should I deal with the pain and suffering in life?”

Rumi, in his wisdom, decided to share a story:

”There was a man who sought the wisdom of a great sage, hoping to find a way to escape his suffering. The sage looked at the man and said, ‘I will help you, but first, you must do something for me. Take this spoon, fill it with oil, and walk through the town without spilling a drop.’

”The man thought this task was simple enough and agreed. He took the spoon, filled it with oil, and began to walk through the town. As he carefully balanced the spoon, he couldn’t help but focus all his attention on not spilling any oil.

”When he returned to the sage, the sage asked, ‘Did you see the beautiful flowers in the town square? Did you notice the children playing and the laughter of families?’ The man realized he had been so fixated on the spoon that he hadn’t noticed anything else.

”The sage then said, ‘This is the key to dealing with pain. Just as you were so focused on the spoon that you missed the beauty around you, when you are consumed by your suffering, you miss the beauty of life. Pain is like the spoon, and life is like the town. Don’t let the pain consume your entire focus. Remember to look around and appreciate the beauty that still exists.’”

The student understood the sage’s message: while pain and suffering are part of life, it’s essential not to let them overshadow the beauty and joy that can be found in every moment. This story serves as a reminder that even in the face of pain, there is an opportunity to find meaning and beauty in life.

”

— Rumi

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From Parkinson's UK (https://www.parkinsons.org.uk/information-and-support/what-parkinsons)  

Parkinson's is a progressive neurological condition. This means that it causes problems in the brain and gets worse over time. People with Parkinson's don't have enough of the chemical dopamine in their brain because some of the nerve cells that make it have stopped working.

From Dementia UK (https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support/about-dementia/what-is-dementia/):

Dementia is an umbrella term for a range of progressive conditions that affect the brain.

Each type of dementia stops a person’s brain cells (neurones) working properly in specific areas, affecting their ability to remember, think and speak.

Doctors typically use the word ‘‘dementia’’ to describe common symptoms – such as memory loss, confusion, and problems with speech and understanding – that get worse over time.

Some films and books about Dementia:

Films:

You, Me Aur Hum - Bollywood movie with Kajol and Ajay Devgn. Powerful scenes including one where Kajol has gone shopping and forgets her way home.

Still Alice - Powerful story of a young professor diagnosed with Alzheimer’s soon after her 50th birthday.

The Father - very moving depiction with Anthony Hopkins

The NoteBook

Books

Mum, Me, White Lies and Tea: My journey into the heart of dementia - Ten lessons from accompanying my mum on her journey with dementia by my friend Nick Williams. (Get in touch if you want a signed copy)

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Trials and Tribulations of a Carer for Parkinson’s and Dementia

A typical day (though there is no typical day) in my life as a carer for my mum who has progressive incurable neurological conditions Parkinson’s and Dementia. This means she sometimes does not know what to do, cannot follow a sequence of instructions, needs to be told repeatedly, is not independently mobile requiring a Zimmer frame to move about, can lose balance and have a fall, lives in a different reality and can get frustrated easily and have a change in mood. I share here some of the trials and tribulations to give an insight into some of the challenges a Carer has. Routine is important as is regularly giving the Parkinson’s medications at the correct time 5-6 times a day.

Robin Sharma shares the 5am club. Those who get up at 5am and use the hour to reflect, do journaling, learning and exercise. On some days I am part of the 2am, 3:30am, 4am, 4:30am club and everything in between too. (As I write this section mid morning we have been up from 2am -7am). This is when my mum has woken up during the early hours to go to the bathroom or just feeling unsettled. It can be no wakes up, 1 or 2 wakeups or multiple wakeups over a few hours. This broken sleep / sleep deprivation and intensity of interaction can lead to energy lows, heavy head, brain fog impacting plans for the day.

A trip to the bathroom is a 20 min round trip. On average 2 or 3 per night. Sometimes you have just taken, tucked into bed and within 5 minutes need to visit again.

Getting her ready to go to bed involves giving last meds, helping to get changed, settle into bed etc. This is a 30-40 min activity.

She asks for water just after you have got her tucked up into bed.

Due to the medications and changes in the brain she can experience hallucinations, different reality, emotional roller coaster and be illogical.

Both mum and I can share angry words or actions due to stress, lack of sleep, frustration, low energy.

Sometimes when I am on a zoom call I have to excuse myself or switch off video and audio in order to attend to mum’s needs.

When doing deep work or creative work the flow can be disrupted due to distractions and disturbances in looking after mum. This involves task switching which takes up energy.

Even though my father passed away about 3 years ago, mum asks “When will he come? Where is he?”. Having been brought up to tell the truth and not telling lies being a part of my faith I initially used to explain to her that he has passed away. From learning about dementia from literature and the Dementia Club UK Awareness Training we now have to tell a lie or half truths and say he is out but fine or not to worry and he will come later. We have to step into her reality and reassure her.

Each day can be like Groundhog Day, during the day having the same conversation or giving the same instructions again and again, as for them they have forgotten and it is for the first time in their reality. 

No real concept of time.

Excellent video about Dementia, I really resonate with this : https://youtu.be/EuRHHmXbzYs

We are fortunate that we share caring responsibilities over the family members and get support from external carers. However if the carer does not come on a particular day it means we have to drop plans and shift focus and responsibilities.

Giving Care

This brilliant article I got from Dementia Club UK in their weekly email.  These tips can apply to anyone with whatever they are dealing with. I get it wrong so often, this helps to remind and refocus.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-tips-teepa-snow-180395.htm

Dementia Caregiving Tips from Teepa Snow

My name is Teepa Snow, and I am a dementia care and education specialist. My personal mission is to better the lives of people with dementia—as well as the lives of their caregivers—by sharing what I have learned. An occupational therapist by training, I have been called “the horse whisperer of dementia.”

It can be difficult, frustrating and confusing to care for a person with dementia. In order to be successful in changing behavior when frustration mounts, it comes down to how we respond to what is happening and what we choose to do.

Five Tips to Help Dementia Caregivers Cope

1. Step Back

When an interaction is not going well, you have a choice: you can push your agenda and watch things get worse, or you can step back and think. What’s happening is often more complicated than it appears on the surface. In an effort to be helpful, you may have created a problem. The person who is challenging you is doing the very best they can with what cognitive abilities they have left. Stop judging them.

Learn to be a good detective. Your brain works better than theirs, so use it! Step back and assess their abilities. Know what you are working with. Try to figure out what might be driving the person. Analyze the situation. What are you seeing? What are you hearing? What might be their unmet emotional need? How about their unmet physical need? Why might they be doing what they are doing? What are they trying to communicate? You need to try to see things from their point of view.

2. Respond (Don’t React)

What you thought would happen didn’t happen. The person did not react the way you wanted (or expected) them to. You’re getting frustrated and you’re getting angry. What to do?

Stop reacting and stop your behavior of trying to correct them. Stop pointing out errors or mistakes. Stop trying to fix things. Stop raising your voice, and stop pushing your agenda. “Remember, I already told you that!” Do you find yourself repeating that sentence? It’s time to stop! Don’t argue with them.

What will be more helpful is to use the words they have given you. It’s called reflective narrative language and it will support their ability to make connections. Repeat back to them what they have said to you—acknowledge and validate what they are feeling. It is not helpful to focus on who is right or wrong, but it is often helpful to apologize (for whatever happened). Say something like, “I’m sorry this happened,” or, “I’m sorry I upset you, I was trying to help.”

3. Make Plans, but Expect Them to Change

Create a plan, think it through and get organized. Have a schedule. You know what you want to happen. However, when it doesn’t, you have to be flexible.

If your plan isn’t working, you can’t force it! It’s part of your care agenda. Adjust your plans as needed. It was just a plan! Figure out where to go or what to do instead. Having alternatives ready is necessary and helpful. Create Plan A, but always have a Plan B, Plan C or even Plan D at the ready.

4. Figure out What You Can (and Can’t) Control

Stop trying to control what you can’t control. This is so important to realize. You can’t control their dementia or their past (who they’ve been or their routines and preferences that may now be exaggerated or problematic). And, you can’t control/fix/change their behavior.

You do have some control, however, over their environment—their physical and sensory experiences. This includes where they are, the objects they use or have access to, and how you guide or help to direct their time. Consider how you can make a difference for both of you.

Pay attention to what helps them feel valued and important, as well as when they relax and regain their energy. Try to prioritize the most important things and what must get done. Know your agenda, but don’t show your agenda. Practice recognizing if/when something doesn’t go as you hoped and managing your response.

You can figure out how to get yourself under control, and you can build your skills and knowledge about how to better live with dementia. Change what you can change and then let go of the rest.

5. Take Care of Yourself

When it’s not working, when something you tried to do didn’t work, or when you’re getting frustrated or angry, you absolutely need to learn to take a time out. It’s critical to step away from the situation. Take at least three deep breaths—breathe in and out deeply!

When you are frustrated, angry or in despair, the person you are caring for picks up on and reacts to your stress level and intensity. They may not fully understand what you are feeling or why, but they will be impacted by your tone of voice, body language and emotional state. When you’re angry, you’re no good to them or to yourself.

Breathing deeply will help you get back to neutral, lower your stress level, and help you regain perspective about the situation you are trying to problem solve. Also, don’t hesitate to ask for help. Putting support systems in place for surprising times when living with dementia is critical. Dementia care is hard work!

About Teepa Snow

Teepa is an occupational therapist and dementia education specialist who works closely with dementia specialty service providers to develop and optimize programs and services to people living with dementia, their care partners and family members.

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Communicating and Interacting

Here are some tips, rules and information that help with communication and interaction. Useful for general communication not just when with Parkinson’s Dementia patients.

If you interact with someone with Dementia, this is a really useful list of Golden Rules as is the Parkinson’s Dementia leaflet linked at the end

“16 Things I would Want if I Got Dementia”

by Rachael Wonderlin (rachaelwonderlin.com.)

(Copyright Registration No. TX0008332487)

If I get dementia, I’d like my family to hang this wish list up on the wall where I live. I want them to remember these things.

1.  If I get dementia, I want my friends and family to embrace my reality.

2.  If I think my spouse is still alive, or if I think we’re visiting my parents for dinner, let me believe those things. I’ll be much happier for it.

3.  If I get dementia, don’t argue with me about what is true for me versus what is true for you.

4.  If I get dementia, and I am not sure who you are, do not take it personally. My timeline is confusing to me.

5.  If I get dementia, and can no longer use utensils, do not start feeding me. Instead, switch me to a finger-food diet, and see if I can still feed myself.

6.  If I get dementia, and I am sad or anxious, hold my hand and listen. Do not tell me that my feelings are unfounded.

7.  If I get dementia, I don’t want to be treated like a child. Talk to me like the adult that I am.

8.  If I get dementia, I still want to enjoy the things that I’ve always enjoyed. Help me find a way to exercise, read, and visit with friends.

9.  If I get dementia, ask me to tell you a story from my past.

10.  If I get dementia, and I become agitated, take the time to figure out what is bothering me.

11.  If I get dementia, treat me the way that you would want to be treated.

12.  If I get dementia, make sure that there are plenty of snacks for me in the house. Even now if I don’t eat I get angry, and if I have dementia, I may have trouble explaining what I need.

13.  If I get dementia, don’t talk about me as if I’m not in the room.

14.  If I get dementia, don’t feel guilty if you cannot care for me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s not your fault, and you’ve done your best. Find someone who can help you, or choose a great new place for me to live.

15.  If I get dementia, and I live in a dementia care community, please visit me often.

16.  If I get dementia, don’t act frustrated if I mix up names, events, or places. Take a deep breath. It’s not my fault.

17.  If I get dementia, make sure I always have my favourite music playing within earshot.

18.  If I get dementia, and I like to pick up items and carry them around, help me return those items to their original place.

19.  If I get dementia, don’t exclude me from parties and family gatherings.

20.  If I get dementia, know that I still like receiving hugs or handshakes.

21.  If I get dementia, remember that I am still the person you know and love.

Click here for the Parkinson’s Leaflet

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Self Care

“I can’t afford to become ill. I have to stay in good health and energy in order to do my role as primary carer for my mum who has progressive incurable neurological conditions Parkinson’s and Dementia.”

Health, energy and Self Care are all priorities. I actively, daily and purposefully attend to these with routines and habits I choose. We can’t give from an empty cup.”

What are the 5 balls of life? 

A speech about life being a game of ‘5 balls’ has been falsely attributed to Google CEO Sundar Pichai. It appears to come from a 1991 Georgia Tech commencement speech given by former Coca-Cola CEO Brian Dyson.

https://www.reuters.com/article/factcheck-quote-sundar-pichai-idUSL1N2SE1SE/

“Imagine life is a game of 5 balls that you manipulate in the air, trying not to fall these balls. 

One of them is rubber and the rest is glass. The five balls are: work, family, health, friends, soul. It will not be long before you realize that (work) is a rubber ball. 

Whenever you fall, you will jump again, while the other balls are made of glass. 

If one of them falls, it will not return to its previous form. It will either be damaged, bruised, cracked, or even scattered. 

You have to be aware of that and strive for it. 

Manage your work efficiently during working hours, take the time to be assured of your sincerity, give the necessary time to your family and friends, take appropriate rest, and take care of your health. If you are gone, it isn’t easy to return as it was.”

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My habits and routines for Health, Energy and Self Care, most done on a daily basis.  

• Drink a glass or small bottle of water (500ml or so) to rehydrate

• Open the curtains to let natural light in

• Using my Happiness journal to note

• 3 things that you are grateful for

• 3 intentions for the day, what would make the day great

• 3 positive affirmations

• Review my personal mission statement, values, goals (morning and evening)

• A few minutes of mindfulness / meditation with app or focus on breath etc

• Choose and share daily positive quote on Happy Life Habits Daily Quote WhatsApp Group

• Take time to Stretch / exercise by doing:

• 3 Sun salutations (surya namaskar from yoga)

• 3 pushups or situps or burpees

• Recite prayers

• Read a few pages of a book, watch or listen to something positive that I can learn from

• Have a healthy, nutritious breakfast

• Mid morning fruit break

• Focused work

• Planning

• Regular breaks away from the desk computer

• Go for a walk in morning or afternoon

• Spend time with family/friends

• Reduce mobile phone use during meals

• Journaling

• 3 highlights or good things from the day

• How could you have made the day better?

• What did you learn during the day?

• Go to bed around same time each day

Additionals that are not daily

• Time for laughter – live comedy, shows, films, shared jokes

• Live experiences: music, theatre, art, sport, travel

• Sauna or massage

• Time in nature, gardening

• Volunteering, Service, Community, Faith

• Reflecting on achievements/qualities – monthly, quarterly or every 6 months

These habits positively impact my health, energy and wellbeing and cover the scope of the 5 well being dimensions of Physical, Mental, Emotional, Social and Spiritual while at the same time releasing happy chemicals and flushing the stress ones away.

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This is what I am learning

A friend said that they could not do the caring for a parent as it is a big commitment and sacrifice. For me it is not a sacrifice but a way of serving - though to be honest sometimes frustration and not having control on a lot of things makes it feel like a sacrifice. It’s a way of working through my karma.

This is what I am learning

Apply the tools, practices and routines, Develop Habits, Cultivate virtues. Reflect and Introspect. Accept reality.

• Mindfulness, being present and in the moment

• Slowing down

• Centre and ground yourself

• Understanding emotions better

• Listening with full attention

• Empathy, Compassion, Care

• Connection is so important

• Patience

• Go with the flow

• Proactive, Plan and focus on what’s important now and what need to be done soon

• Focused moments of work

• Self care, practices and routines

• Sleep, rest and recovery

• Keep being taught the lesson till we learn it

• Resilience

• Accepting the things I can not control

• Responding rather than reacting 

• Not to take things personally

• Fundamentals : Eat, Sleep, Move, Breathe, Focus

• Very conscious of how I use my time, what I say yes to and what I commit to

• People call less and visit less

“THE SPIRITUAL WARRIOR’S PRAYER

I pray not to be protected from life’s battles,
But to have the courage to conquer them fearlessly.

I pray not to escape from my struggles,
But to learn the lessons the universe is trying to teach me.

I pray not to work for fame and recognition,
But to make it my mission to love and serve others in all that I do.

I pray not to measure my wealth and success by what I own,
But by how grateful and abundant I feel in my heart.

And I pray not for my circumstances to change so that I feel happy,
But to be a beacon of light in the world wherever God places me.
”

— Source unknown, shared to me by a friend

For a better Future we have to be very Present when the Dementia patient is living in their Past.

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Use it or lose it

As I have understood it, those who have Dementia have experienced a shrinkage in their brain. My theory based on what I have learnt and having no medical research is by keeping the brain active, learning new knowledge and skills, practising gratitude, journaling  and mindfulness/meditation, exercising help to increase the neural connections, the grey matter and different parts of the brain thereby delaying or preventing the shrinkage. These practices also help our health, happiness and wellbeing. 

The Heroic Coaching and App helps me with my Energy, Work and Love (Relationships/Connection).

Our 30 Day Gratitude and Journaling Habit Training Course I am immensely proud of as I feel it not only helps with happiness, mental and emotional well being, hope, optimism and resilience but also is releasing the happy chemicals washing out the stress ones. We know stress exacerbates inflammation and all underlying illness or disease we have. 

People with Parkinson's don't have enough of the chemical dopamine in their brain because some of the nerve cells that make it have stopped working. Gratitude releases dopamine. What if the regular practice of gratitude releasing dopamines keeps those nerve cells active, healthy, working well and alive for longer?

The hardback, cloth bound Happiness Journal feels lovely in our hands, the act of thinking, reflecting and writing makes use of different parts of our brain at the same time (sight, touch, feelings, thoughts, memory, future thinking. motor skills etc)  thus keeping them engaged and active. As shared in Gratitude is my Superpower - gratitude is a higher vibrational frequency energy.

We are going to run limited sessions of the 30 Day Gratitude and Journaling Habit Immersion Training course specifically for:

1. Carers

2. Coping with Grief 

3. General Wellbeing

For Carers attendees will only be carers giving it a particular focus and support.

For Coping with Grief attendees will only be those who have experienced a loss and are working through the grief process giving it a particular focus and support.

The General Wellbeing session will be open to all.

If you are interested or know someone who may benefit from either 1, 2 or 3 please join the waiting list or message me.

If you are involved with a charity or organisation that supports Dementia, Parkinson’s, Grief or Carers (for any condition) I would love to explore the opportunity to make the 30 Day Gratitude and Journaling Habit Immersion Training Course available to support patients, staff, volunteers or carers with their mental and emotional wellbeing. Or to give a talk from a Carer’s perspective.

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Resources

Some films and books about Dementia:

Films:

You, Me Aur Hum - Bollywood movie with Kajol and Ajay Devgn. Powerful scenes including one where Kajol has gone shopping and forgets her way home.

Still Alice - Powerful story of a young professor diagnosed with Alzheimer’s after her 50th birthday.

The Father - very moving depiction with Anthony Hopkins

The NoteBook

Books

Mum, Me, White Lies and Tea: My journey into the heart of dementia - Ten lessons from accompanying my mum on her journey with dementia by my friend Nick Williams. (Get in touch if you want a signed copy).

Organisations

Parkinsons UK  https://www.parkinsons.org.uk/  - great resources including leaflets on specific aspects

Dementia Club UK https://dementiaclubuk.org.uk/ - resources / training and support sessions for carers and those with the condition

Alzheimer’s UK https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/ - wonderful Caring for a Person with Dementia book (free)

Barnet Carers https://barnetcarers.org/ - local borough carers support

How mindfulness can help cognition https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_ways_mindfulness_helps_you_age_better

This has relevant content in relation to exercise and brain cognition.

https://youtu.be/UyNotKnAFkM?si=FEUF0gAGzl3wiYLp

Another great video that links foods, diet and dementia.
https://youtu.be/98szU7WJySk?si=uKcmni03JpDTd1t6

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Shaileen Shah - Happy Life Habits Coach, Speaker & Trainer

Happy Life Habits rewires hearts & minds for better productivity, happiness and wellbeing in 10 minutes a day. We help you move out of the comfort zone and into the learning/growth zones. Our products and services help develop habits and continuous personal development.

If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list and join the Happy Life Habits Community WhatsApp Group

Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube etc links can be found at https://linktr.ee/HappyLifeHabits

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

Happy Life Habits Positively Impacting Happiness & Wellbeing Levels

Her Majesty The Queen 1926 - 2022 Happy Life Habits : Positive Grief : The Dash

Photo image from Bournemouth Echo

I share this poem, The Dash, in the Happy Life Habits Positive Grief talks along with some science of what grief does to the brain, ways to cope with grief and help others.

The poem is short yet very powerful, timely and reflective.

THE DASH.. BY LINDA ELLIS

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning… to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own, the cars… the house… the cash.

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard; are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left that still can be rearranged.

To be less quick to anger and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile… remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they say about how you lived your dash??

Resources for Positive Grief : https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/positive-grief

and The Dash video is here

Saw this great post on LinkedIn by Ian West which shares some of the Queen’s Dash.

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/ianwest1_just-to-put-the-history-of-her-majestys-activity-6975743530329645057-7Njl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop

Just to put the history of Her Majesty's passing into context, and shut up the minority of trolls who seem to be in their 'so what' grumpy moods...

Elizabeth II was born less than 23 years after the Wright brothers carried out the first ever powered flight. Four of Queen Victoria's children were still alive when she was born. The last one of them died in 1944 when Elizabeth was already 18.

She lived for more than a third of the entire age of the United States (1776) - a nation which is only 246 years old. And well over half the age of Canada (1867), and all but 25 years of the nation of Australia (1901).

She became Queen at the age of just 25, when Stalin and Truman were also in post, just 7 years after the end of WWII.

Her first Prime Minister was born in 1874. Yes, the 1800s!!!

Her last PM was born only two years before her Silver Jubilee in 1975 - so her first and last PMs were born over 100 years apart!

She was already 51 when she celebrated that first Jubilee in 1977.
Ruling in her own right (with no regent, like Louis XIV had for 13 years), she was the longest reigning monarch in World history, no matter what Wikipedia says. In my book, Regencies don't really count as "doing the job" - you don't really 'rule' when you're only 4 years old, like he was!

She lived through three kings herself before she even took the throne - George V, Edward VIII, and her father George VI

She saw the jet age arrive, the birth of electronic computing, and the space age - all before she was 35 years old.
She ruled for 70 years at the age of 96, more than 35 years after the age at which most people retire.

Her reign is over 7% of the entire history of Britain since William the Conqueror took the crown - 956 years ago - and that's considering that we've had 41 monarchs in that time. So, on a pro-rata basis, each reign would only be 23 years. So, she's done the equivalent of over three tours of duty.

So, yeah, she certainly *was* Great Britain and everything that we've seen and grown up with. She was with us through, literally, all we've ever known in living memory.

Her selfless service to this country was simply astonishing, when she could have 'retired' from the job decades ago and enjoyed some well-deserved rest.

She is now a huge part of British history herself, there is no 'was' about it anymore. She *is* and will remain an integral component of this country, having overseen an amazing Elizabethan Age.

I am glad to have lived in her reign, and witnessed it, in spite of the country's broken heart.

As she said herself "Grief is the price we pay for love."

Rest in Peace Ma'am with your beloved Philip.
Your duty has been done ... multiple times over.

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Happy Life Habits rewires hearts & minds for better productivity, happiness and wellbeing in 10 minutes a day.

We help you move out of the comfort zone and into the learning/growth zones. Our products and services help develop habits and continuous personal development.

These include the 30 Day Gratitude and Journaling Habit Immersion Training Course and the monthly MasterMind Group sessions

Great investments that produce outstanding results - guaranteed!

The Happiness Journal used by Tim Ferris, Emma Watson and Shaileen Shah (pretty much every day for the last 6.5 years) is a great starter tool to shift your mood and develop morning routines. For a DIY option the journal is available for £27 (£30 inc p&p in UK, international please enquire. Order 2 or more journals at £25 each).

This is a perfect, unique and life changing gift that can be gifted for:

• teachers at the end of the year as a thank you

• Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings

• graduations, new job

• staff / employees

In fact it has been well received as a corporate gift by staff, clients and suppliers when given by my clients. (Enquire for bulk orders and add value workshops). A journal workshop and 30 Day gratitude & journal habit immersion training course (running for the last 2 years) are also available.

Contact Shaileen@HappyLifeHabits.co.uk for any enquiries.

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Happy Life Habits rewires hearts & minds for better productivity, happiness and wellbeing in 10 minutes a day. We help you move out of the comfort zone and into the learning/growth zones. Our products and services help develop habits and continuous personal development.

If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.

Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, Youtube etc links can be found at https://linktr.ee/HappyLifeHabits

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

A NEW HOPE? OR NO HOPE?

Sometimes with the restrictions of lockdown, the negative news, so many deaths and cold, dark winter we feel like there is no hope and at other times hope is all we have.

The original classic Stars Wars was titled Episode IV : A New Hope. In this blog article I share some recent positive news stories, resources and Happy Life Habits activities.

Everything is F*cked : A book about Hope

Sometimes it feels like the title of this book. This is a book I recently got hold of, still to be read but looks interesting and the author’s previous book I have seen mentioned.

““Why should I fear death? If I am, then death is not. If Death is, then I am not. Why should I fear that which can only exist when I do not?””

— Epicurus

Wonderful Positive News about HelpVeerNow

Veer is a 4 year old boy, son of our friends and from the communities we are part of. He has low blood counts and desperately needs a stem cell donor. The family have set up HelpVeerNow to raise awareness and help campaign to get more people on the the donor lists so they can find a match for Veer and also help others in the same situation to find a match. The numbers of people registered to be a donor is very low especially in BAME. To find a match is like finding a needle in a haystack. It needn’t be. If everyone, including you and people you know registered then there would be plenty of needles to be easily found.

The wonderful news is that three 90% matches have been found. A few months ago there weren’t and the family had been told that Veer had months instead of years to find a transplant donor as his counts had dropped.

You can listen to the family’s journey on the BBC World Service recording. It is very powerful, positive, uplifting and funny with the mention of a stem cell donut! and Veer going out to look for his superhero donor. What comes through the the emotional and mental struggles, them leaning into their Jain faith and keeping focused on the positive. Even with Veer having a match, the campaigning continues as many more people needed on the registers.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3ct1fq8

I am privileged to say the family are part of the Happy Life Habits Community, attended workshops and training courses. In May 2020 when a Veer’s Virtual Extravaganza was held, Happy Life Habits was honoured to serve in opening the Extravaganza with a Happiness and Gratitude workshop.

Resource: Coping in a Crisis

Hansa Pankhania a new acquaintance is an author, coach and consultant who will be in a future series of the Inspiration Point Podcast. She has written a variety of books on Stress, Crisis as well as stories. Her most recent is title Coping in a Crisis and covers coping with loss, financial loss, grief, relationship and including coping strategies. The book is free to download from www.aumconsultancy.co.uk.

Hansa has been inspired by Deepak Chopra’s WellBeing Centre - more in future Inspiration Point Podcast .

JVB London: The Future of Wellbeing & Higher Consciousness by Dr. Deepak Chopra

Recently I was able to attend a zoom meeting with the world reknowned Deepak Chopra. It was organised by JVB London and titled The Future of Wellbeing & Higher Consciousness by Dr. Deepak Chopra. The recording is here and well worth listening to. It resonated on some many levels for me and I loved watching it.

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Happy Life Habits Gratitude & Journal Habit Immersion Training Course

Gratitude has been shown to increase the chances of psychologically surviving hard times. In the HLH Gratitude Workshops I share that gratitude helps :

1. Us feel less deflated

2. Gives Hope

3. Helps Heal

It certainly has done this for me through life’s various challenges and has helped over 50 people who have taken the 30 day Happy Life Habits Gratitude & Journal Habit Immersion Training Course. It is a pro-social behaviour making use feel more connected.

I’ll share a recent testimonial:

“I’ve just completed the Happiness and Gratitude training programme that Shaileen hosted.
We all ‘know’ what to do and how to ‘be’ happy, positive and grateful but it’s not always something that’s at the forefront of our minds when we are in the day to day of our lives. I booked on this course back in November as something to look forward to for the start of the year.

Alongside Shaileens’ great questions and coaching support, there was a daily journal to complete.

The whole programme was really, really good. My mindset has grown stronger as a result of the course and for anyone who wants some MH (Mental Health) support, to be able to see the ‘wood for the trees’ or like me, just wants to spend a bit of time focussing on the ‘haves’ vs the ‘have nots’ - this is for you.

I highly recommend it to you and to anyone who supports MH in the workplace. It’s fabulous.”

— Mandy Ward - Book Structure lady helping you get your book off to a flying start. I sit on the writing bus with you until your book is done | Book Structure | 1 Stop Shop Book Creation | Author | Mentor | #WriteMyBook

If you want to know more, sign up or join waiting list go to https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/habit-immersion

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Inspiration Point Podcast Series 2

We reach half way through series 2 with 2 fantastic episodes completed and the 3rd due in a few hours as I write. The sessions I have found and feedback received as being unique, inspiring, positive, uplifting and an hour well spent. Episode 5 is about my cousin Dr Ajay Shah who is the older brother of episode 3 Niraj Shah. Earlier we shared Veer was looking for a super hero to be his stem cell donor. Episode 5 is Dr Ajay Shah - Super Hero Doctor. In recent ITV news about the Covid19 vaccination programme, Ajay has been caught in action.

https://www.itv.com/news/2021-02-05/all-uk-adults-over-50-should-receive-covid-vaccine-by-may-government-says

Past recordings you can find at https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/inspiration-point and if you would like or know one who may be great to take part in a future episode please fill out the simple form at https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/inspiration-point-form.

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Happy life habits connected conversations

I have recently had wonderful conversations related to Happy Life Habits projects. One was with a friend, HLH community member and course graduate. They asked what is the difference between motivation and inspiration. I had a good think, some ideas, did research and confirmed my thoughts plus additional concepts. We had a great conversation sharing and deepening each of our understanding. I’ll share at a later date the ideas shared. That conversation, the HLH Book Club plus writings on connection, relationships, isolation shared over the last year help give more traction to the idea of Connected Conversations.

To help foster connection, reduce sense of isolation and pro-social behaviour plus its benefits we have a new initiative we are exploring: Connected Conversations. It is not a workshop, it is not a talk. It’s a conversation.

• 30-60 mins - join on time, leave at anytime

• 1:1 and 1:many conversations

• Move to different conversation groups at will

• Using wonder.me platform

• Discuss, share, express, explore, listen, connect

Theme: Relationships and Connection

Date & Time:  Sunday 14th Feb 10:30am -11:30am

Where: Wonder.me

Link: https://www.wonder.me/HappyLifeHabits

Here are some links to previous articles and workshop recordings from 2020 on Happier Relationships that I am quite proud of and people have found useful. https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/news/2020/2/6/happier-relationships

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A request dear friend and reader.

(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.

(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.

(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.

(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.

If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.

Happy Life Habit Events

Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group

Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page

Instagram happylifehabits_hlh

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

Live, Love, Learn & Legacy

Twas the night before Christmas …

What a year 2020 has been - no understatement there. I have had highs and highers. The year started with a lovely party celebrating the 40th Birthdays of 2 of our friends. It is ending with us grieving the sudden and quick loss of my dad. What starts must end. Where there is life, there is death. How we live, spend our time, energy and attention between life and death determines our life. In most cases we do not know if we will die today, tomorrow, next week or years from now - therefore life and time is precious.

Two weeks today he went into hospital with an infection that we thought would be treated by antibiotics over a few days. As the day progressed the news worsened to the point we were told he is critical and not sure if he will make it through the night. Next day 3 of us are able to visit him in Intensive Treatment Unit where he is on last stages. Within 40 mins after we have left hospital I take the call to be told he has passed away - this is 36 hours after being admitted to hospital.

Have experienced the whole gamut of emotions and 5 stages of grief. What has helped is looking back at the articles and resources I have previously shared about dealing with grief and death. The support of family, friends and community has helped provide solace as we shared prayers, memories and his qualities. We focused on not what we lost but on what we had and celebrated his life and character. I share some of the funeral service speeches and poems below.

Lalji Shah - Rest In Eternal Peace (11 Dec 2020)

Lessons to Live, Love, Learn and Legacy

• Where there is grief there is love

• Life and time are the two best teachers. Life teaches us to make good use of time and time teaches us the value of life.

• Soul has moved on in its journey, lessons shared

• Lesson for Life and Love

  • How to treat people both young and old - time, attention, get know and feel special

  • Hospitable, friendly, warm, welcoming smile

  • sharing/generosity - time, advice

    • Smarties, chocolates, mangoes, fruit or beer

  • Commitment, dedication, patience - married for 57 years

  • Integrity, doing things right, finding a way

  • Loving, caring, kind and helpful

  • Service focused - working since aged 15 for 45 years and almost 25 years of those at John Lewis Partnership, Oxford Street

  • Resilience, persistence

  • Learning/growth mindset - adapting, learning, giving things a go

  • Zest for life, positive encouragement

• Reminded and understand that his Soul has moved on in its spiritual journey

• Life is not measured in years but in moments of happiness, kindness and consciousness

• Created and shared many moments of happiness

• Take a moment of silence to say prayer - 3 Navkars, remember his warm infectious smile

• May the Soul of Lalji Raichand Mepa Shah Rest in External Peace

• Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti

• Thank you from the families

He Is Gone  David Hawkins

He Is Gone 

You can shed tears that he is gone 

Or you can smile because he has lived 

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back 

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left 

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him 

Or you can be full of the love that you shared 

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday 

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday 

You can remember him and only that he is gone 

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on 

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back 

Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on 

Farewell My Friends by Rabindranath Tagore

Farewell My Friends

It was beautiful

As long as it lasted

The journey of my life.

I have no regrets

Whatsoever said

The pain I’ll leave behind.

Those dear hearts

Who love and care...

And the strings pulling

At the heart and soul...

The strong arms

That held me up

When my own strength

Let me down.

At the turning of my life

I came across

Good friends,

Friends who stood by me

Even when time raced me by.

Farewell, farewell My friends

I smile and

Bid you goodbye.

No, shed no tears

For I need them not
All I need is your smile.

If you feel sad

Do think of me

For that’s what I’ll like

When you live in the hearts

Of those you love

Remember then

You never die.

No Ordinary Human 

Dear God,  

How can someone be so giving? 

Asking for nothing in return but your happiness. I guess you gave us, no ordinary human. 

How can someone make you feel so comfortable? Where a moment in his space has a profound effect on yours.  

I guess you gave us, no ordinary human. 

When in his presence you forgot the worlds pressures And we laughed out loud like children. 

I guess you gave, us no ordinary human. 

When I can see his quality in the eyes of his children, so full of kindness & joy. 

I guess you gave, us no ordinary human. 

So God, I ask one favour, take good care of this soul. As I can definitely confirm. 

You lent us for a while, an extraordinary human. 

Tony Herbert  14th December 2020

Written by a friend of the family after a prayer and memory sharing zoom meeting

Looking forward to serving you in 2021

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A request dear friend and reader.

(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.

(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.

(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.

(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.

If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.

Happy Life Habit Events

Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group

Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

TAKE MY BREATH AWAY : THE INEVITABLE - DEATH, THE END OF LIVING - ONE YEAR ON

The theme of death and loss is back in my awareness. Over the months we have explored it in Young Jains Enriching Conversations. Many friends, family and people in the community over the last 2 weeks have lost a close loved one. I shared with them an article I wrote last year upon the death of a close friend, Bobby Shah, on 15th October. The article has my thoughts feelings and also some resources that may help. Since originally writing it almost exactly a year ago I have shared it with many and edited to include a wonderful podcast from commune. Really do check out the article and resources - share with those who you may know are dealing with the loss of a loved one.

https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/news/2019/10/17/the-inevitable-death

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As shared in a recent post I celebrated my 50th birthday and covered connection and time as themes. Over the birthday weekend I have great zoom catch ups with a variety of people from the different communities I am part of. It was lovely. Last year when thinking about planning celebrations for my 50th, I had seen Bobby as part of the celebrations as we continued to share milestones in our lives.

In the Happy Life Habits Book Club we are reading Jay Shetty’s Think Like A Monk. In the first section “Letting Go” chapter 3 is titled Fear. The quote for the chapter is:

Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life. - Buddha

At the start of the book it shares that at the start of life we breathe and at the end of life we take our last breath. Important to be aware of our breathing as it is connection to our emotions.

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THERE IS A THIEF IN THE CITY

Below is a Kabir Cafe T-shirt I have based on a poem by the legendary 15th Centuary mystic and poet Kabir. It has been made into a lovely fusion song by Neeraj Arya’s Kabir Cafe. The title is “Be alert there is a thief in the city”. It is referring to death. Listen to the song in the video below and read the translation.

Kabir Cafe T-Shirt - Be Alert, Death is in the neighbourhood

Here is a great video from karmatube on the idea of a death walker : https://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=8662

WHAT SEEDS ARE YOU PLANTING?

Many a time I have contemplated on that each day we live we get closer to death. The true deadline. What we have to do is keep this in our awareness from time to time so that we can truly live, be fulfilled instead of deal with the mundane. Each moment counts and the more moments shared with happiness, kindness and love the happier our lives. From the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Dr Stephen Covey, Habit 2 is Begin with the End in Mind. There is a great exercise where we do begin with the end in my and contemplate our funeral and consider what we want people to say about us at that time. This helps us see what is important in our live and the values we want to cultivate.

This week on a small pot plant on the window sill emerges signs of life. It is either chillis or capsicums - those we the seeds planted.

Seedlings growing

Check out www.HappyLifeHabits.co.uk for Inspiration Point episodes to book tickets and watch recordings as well as book Gratitude Workshop and Gratitude & Journal Habit Immersion Training Course.

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A request dear friend and reader.

(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.

(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.

(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.

(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.

If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.

Happy Life Habit Events

Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group

Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

Happy Birthday - Time to Connect

I write this on the eve of turning 50. What to say? These birthday celebrations are way different from what we had in mind last year or even at the beginning of this year. We were making plans to have family from USA and Kenya come visit during the summer and arrange a few get togethers with both sides of the families - both in terms of mine and my wife’s as well as both in terms of my dad’s and mum’s side. This is a lot of people. The celebrations would be for my son turning 16, completing GCSE exams and me turning 50. With the pandemic issue we can’t have more than 6 people meet.

I remember before I turned 24, I had just started my first real job and career out of university. I was a junior consultant in a US based technology consulting firm. I had been to Cambridge, Massachusetts for month long orientation training. During one weekend we had driven to New York, the Big Apple. I was then back in the UK working on projects, work then had become quieter in the UK. During September they shipped a few of out to projects in the USA. I ended up in Lansing, Michigan for a good few weeks. One weekend we took off to Lake Michigan - more like am ocean than a lake. I ended up spending my birthday weekend driving with a friend to Toronto, Canada where he had his family. I was away from family and friends. Being with my friend and his family was fine but I felt alone and did not enjoy that birthday experience. I enjoy being around people, especially family and friends and I enjoy celebration birthdays. Happy Birthday - I has HAPPY in the phrase and it has Birth - Life, so a Happiness Coach calling his company Happy Life Habits loves celebrating birthdays be they his own or others.

I was reminded by Facebook of a post from a few years ago which is a real treasure and I share here which share the difference between a contact and connection.

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A Monk of the RamaKrishna Mission was being interviewed by a journalist from NY.

Journalist - "Sir, in your last lecture, you told us about Jogajog (contact) & Sanjog (connection). It's really confusing. Can you explain ? "

The Monk smiled and apparently deviating from the question asked the journalist:

"Are you from New York?"

Journalist - "Yeh..."

Monk - "Who are there at home?”

The Journalist felt that the Monk was trying to avoid answering his question since this was a very personal and unwarranted question. Yet the journalist said: “Mother has expired. Father is there. Three brothers and one sister. All married..."

The Monk, with a smile on his face, asked again: “Do you talk to your father?"

The journalist looked visibly annoyed...

The Monk - “When did you talk to him last?"

The journalist, supressing his annoyance said: "May be a month ago."

The Monk: “Do you brothers and sisters meet often? When did you meet last as a family gathering?"

At this point, sweat appeared on the forehead of the journalist. Now who was conducting the interview, the Monk or the Journalist? It seemed that the Monk was interviewing the Journalist.

With a sigh, the Journalist said: “We met last at Christmas two years ago."

The Monk: “How many days did you all stay together ?"

The Journalist (wiping the sweat on his brow) said: “Three days..."

Monk: "How much time did you spend with your Father, sitting right beside him?"

The journalist looking perplexed and embarrassed and started scribbling something on a paper...

The Monk: "Did you have breakfast, lunch or dinner together? Did you ask how he was? Did you ask how his days are passing after your mother's death?"

Drops of tears coming out started to flow from the eyes of the journalist.

The Monk held the hand of the journalist and said: “Don't be embarrassed, upset or sad. I am sorry if I have hurt you unknowingly... But this is basically the answer to your question about "contact and connection (Jogajog and Sanjog)". You have 'contact' with your father but you don't have 'connection' with him. You are not connected to him. Connection is between heart and heart... sitting together, sharing meals and caring for each other ; touching, shaking hands, having eye contact, spending some time together...You brothers and sisters have 'contact' but you have no 'connection' with each other...."

The journalist wiped his eyes and said: "Thanks for teaching me a fine and unforgettable lesson"

This is the reality today. Whether at home or in the society everybody has lots of contacts but there is no connection. No communication... Everybody is in his or her own world.

Let us not maintain just "contacts" but let us remain "connected"; caring, sharing and spending time with all our dear ones.

*****

The Monk was none other than Swami Vivekananda

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Lessons Learned at 50

There are many people who have come into my life, there are many mistakes made, lessons learned, many inspirers, many joyous moments and continue to do so. Some of these lessons relate to a few themes.

TIME is our most precious resource. We don’t know how much we have left so use it wisely.

CONNECTION is central to our existence. The much loved and shared Brene Brown quote says it all. Check out this awesome blog on connection.

We have 3 main relationships or connections:

1. with our self

2. with others

3. with our higher self, nature, universe, God

The Happy Life Habits logo is all about connection, it is a connected pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

The below quote was share on HLH Community group when within a few days we developed the HLH Book Club. Thanks Mary T for inspiring it.

“‘Time is our most precious resource. We should not waste it. If it fits with my mission, serves, feels right, positively impacts, makes me smile, adds to the greater good, enthuses and inspires me and have the opportunity to be with wonderful like minded people - why wait? ”

— Shaileen Shah.

Manage your TIME, ENERGY & ATTENTION

I am hoping to share sessions on this in 2021

HABITS OF THE HEART & SOUL : GRATITUDE, COMPASSION, KINDNESS, LOVE, FORGIVENESS, MINDFULNESS

return wonderful returns when developed - they are all about connection.

“Our life is made up of a series of moments. We live moment to moment. The more happy moments we can have and create the happier our life will be. ”

— Shaileen Shah - Happiness Coach

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All the current Happy Life Habit projects and activities relate to these themes : The Happiness Boosters, The Gratitude Workshop, The Gratitude and Journal Habit Immersion Course, The HLH Book Club and the newly launched Inspiration Point. I look forward to connecting with you and being part of the Happy Life Habits Community with you.

Many thanks to all the attendees, participants, partners, supporters and sponsors.

With Love, Warmth, Gratitude and Kindness

Shaileen Shah - The Happiness Coach - 50 Years Old - still got a long way to go.

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A request dear friend and reader.

(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.

(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.

(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.

(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.

If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.

Happy Life Habit Events

Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group

Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

Mental Health Awareness Week - Saturday Live Event 9:30 -10:30 am

Support & Services for Mental Health Awareness Week 18 -24 May

Happy Life Habits is supporting and serving Mental Health Awareness Week in a variety of ways. This article shares the support and services provided by Happy Life Habits and some other organisations. I am excited to share that Happy Life Habits is fully supporting Mental Health Awareness Week in a variety of ways. Click the various images, videos, article and event links.

Look after you own mental health and wellbeing. Help others look after theirs.

HAPPY LIFE HABIT SERVING

1. HAPPINESS BOOSTER SESSIONS

The Free Happiness Booster Sessions that we have been running during pandemic has been extended to be provided Monday 18 - Friday 22 May 2020 at 9:30 am each morning.

2. VIDEO SERIES ON MENTAL HEALTH - 1 VIDEO EACH DAY

3. LIVE SESSION ON SATURDAY 23RD MAY

4. ARTICLES RELATED TO MENTAL HEALTH THEMES

5. OTHER ORGANISATION MENTAL HEALTH RELATED EVENTS

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The support & services being provided by Happy Life Habits

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Daily Video Series

OTHER ORGANISATION MENTAL HEALTH RELATED EVENTS

I am helping at the Young Jain Enriching Conversations event on Wednesday 20th May 20:00 -21:15 and speaking at Oshwal Mental Wellbeing Seminar on Sunday 24th May 14:00 -15:30. I attend the Friday SCVP Mindfulness class.

Avanti Schools Trust Family Well Being with Dr Kang Monday 18 May 17:30 -18:30

Mental Health for the SME and Freelance Community Thursay 21 May 11:00

Museum of Happiness Happy Minds Matter event Thursday 21 May 19:30 -20:30

Daily Meditation by my friend Deepa, her son and monkey. On Facebook “Meditate with Monkey and Me”

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THANK YOU

Thank you for reading this and sharing.

Harshna and family thanks for your support and encouragement.

Priti Shah of Lightside Financial thank you for support and help in promoting mental health awareness week.

Sawan Gosrani thank you for the nudge to Bhavik Haria’s getdigital video training. Bhavik thanks for your training.

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A request dear friend and reader.

(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.

(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.

(3) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can work a win-win result.

(4) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.

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Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM : WE'VE LOST CONNECTION

This article follows on from The Ups & Downs of a Happiness Coach: Craving Connection. This one is about loneliness, suicide and connection. This is what its like to feel lonely.

That’s right I purposefully put a lot of empty, blank space in, nothing there. How did that make you feel when you read it, saw it? Feel any connection?

I almost considered not writing anything and publishing just the title and introduction. At the start of Craving Connection article I had shared that:

“As an experiment, for my own happiness and a way to serve I am going to chronicle as a diary some of my thoughts (ups and downs) and actions during this pandemic…..During this pandemic I have been craving for connection both people to people and grateful for the technology connections, I guess with the previous articles on Happier Relationships and what I have learnt over time I understand the importance of this to our happiness, well being and mental health. I have also been through the turbulence of insecurities and validation issues.

So, a request dear friend and reader

(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.

IMAGINE IF IT HAD BEEN A CRY FOR HELP!. The clues where there “Ups & Downs”, “Craving Connection”, “Mental Health”, “Happier Relationships”, “Turbulence”, “Insecurities” . I was asking for connection, I was asking for you to email me and let me know (1) you exist and (2) that I exist. I had one email come through on the request put at beginning and end of article. Thank you my friend (to be fair I have had some other messages and conversations with others also).

Imagine if I was not in good Mental Health and maybe even Suicidal what could have happened if that one email did not come through? I know from website statistics that more than one person had read the article. The picture on the article of me sitting on a chair , on a cliff edge looking out and contemplating could have turned into standing up and taking a few steps to the cliff edge and then a few more steps…

HOW ARE YOU?

Thank you for asking…For the record I am currently I am not having any suicidal thoughts. I am in good mental health, happy, feel very connected, grateful, purposeful, and making a difference. Feeling awesome. Living my purpose and mission statement.

“I continuously contribute, learn, grow and make a positive difference to all in my environment adding tremendous value.

I am a caring, loving, supportive family member and friend.

I act with integrity, truthfulness and do the right thing.

I use my time effectively, am a creator of wealth, value and abundance. I achieve balance”

With the massive changes we are currently facing of Social Isolation, Social Distancing, Lock down etc. and this likely to continue for many months it is going to have an impact on peoples mental health, sense of connection and people are going to feel lonely, hopeless and suicidal. This article is here to serve. For you to tap into you spider senses and keep aware of that tingling feeling, to raise the awareness to watch out for your emotions as well as those of others. More so that ever we need to actively reach out, check in and keep connected and help others to also do so. If you are feeling loneliness - there is help available see resources at the end.

Here are some quotes from Happier Relationships article and workshop as well as some new ones that are worth reflecting on:

What I have been doing to remain connected… I have…

• had individual planned and unplanned catch ups with friends and family - some lovely individual conversations

• been involved in online communities that I was physically part of - great sharing and insights

• reached out to many of my clients and contacts with a short message to check they are ok and letting them know I am here

• been running Happiness Booster Sessions - really enjoying these and feel I am making a difference, see events page for future ones or get in touch :)

• been building a Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group

• been taking part in 21 Day challenge and feeling connected to people from around the world. We had our first Zoom call recently with attendees from UK, India, USA and Hungary all sharing similar feelings with their respective lock down and situation

• using video call more often to contact people

• keeping mindful of my emotions, thoughts and actions

• keeping my happy life habit practices in place including gratitude and mindfulness

• when going for our daily walk smiling and waving to strangers

• I’ve applied to be a NHS Volunteer to do role of check in and chat. We can all do that.

  
  Let me know what is helping you stay connected

RESOURCES

The Samaritans

A request dear friend and reader.

(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.

(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.

(3) While doing (1) if you would be interested in free 30 min video conference calls for Happiness Boosters - connection and sharing, during these times let me know if morning, afternoon or evening preference and weekday and/or weekend. I will endeavour to serve.

(4) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS PART2

This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship Part 2 workshop that Happy Life Habits delivered on 28 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. It is a follow to Happier Relationships Part 1 which should be read and watched first.

Some of the questions/ideas raised in the workshop and answered in video were:

• If we are always giving and making deposits in the Emotional Bank Account and there are people who take, take, take and do not reciprocate the giving of love, kindness, happiness etc. what do we do?

• With the 5 Love Languages, can the one you have as dominant change?

• If as the spiritual teachers say happiness is from within, what is the need of relationships?

• Living from the head Vs living from the heart

• If happiness is from within why do we need relationships?

  Happier Relationships Part 2 Workshop video

A short recap covered : Brene Brown quote “Connection is what we are here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives”; relationships help our well being - longevity, resilience, feeling connected and less loneliness (See Robin Williams quote from Part 1). One of the happy chemicals released when in relationships is Oxytocin which fosters trust, bonding and connection. Some key ingredients for happier relationships being trust, values, communication and shared experiences. Take a moment to ponder on…

“The most important ingredient we put into any relationships is not what we say or what we do, but what we are”

— Stephen Covey - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

This for me is about being at our core a person of trust, commitment, loyal, friendly, loving etc. Not just saying and acting those in that way .

The 3 most important types of relationship are:

1. Relationship with self (small s)'

2. Relationship with others

3. Relationship with Self (big S) - our Divinity, God , Guru, higher self

We can consider that the inner circle is the relationship with our Divinity, our spiritual relationship and that permeates to our self (with small s) and then to our relationship with everyone else. If we have a strong connection to our Divinity, have it in our awareness more often it will positively impact all our relationships.

To foster connection and closeness we can ask questions. There are 36 questions in 3 sets of 12 that have been come to know as the 36 questions for closeness.

A sample is below and here link to full 36 Questions

Sample of 36 Questions to foster connection and closeness

What’s in the box?

In part 1 I shared the video of The Nothing Box which shared some of the differences in men’s brains and women’s brains. A joke that I came across recently on Facebook post from Nithya Shanti that captures some aspects for a Happy Relationship and also has to do with a box.

There once was a couple that had been married for more that 50 years. They had lived happily together and shared everything. No secrets kept from each other. There was, however, one open secret that the women kept from the man.

The wife had a small chest hidden in the closet that she asked her husband to never open it and to never ask her about it. One day, the man told the woman that he really wanted to know what was in the box. She agreed that after so many years, this one secret should be finally shared, and she opened the box. Inside the man saw 3 small handmade dolls and a stack of money amounting to £30,000.

The women explained. “When we were about to be married, “ she said, “my mother advised me not to avoid fights if I wanted our marriage to be happy, for it is important to share our true feelings. However, she also advised me that if you ever make me angry about something, I should first keep quiet and make the doll, only fight after.”

Her husband was moved, Only 3 small dolls were in the chest. In all those years of living together, his wife had been angry with him only 3 times! “This is wonderful my love! That means that I have been a near perfect husband for 50 years and that we have excellent communication with each other. But tell me my love, where did all that money come from?”

“Oh” she said, “this money I make from selling the dolls!

The story highlights not to react in anger, to reflect , take time out (making the dolls) before choosing to respond. This nicely brings us to introduce the 5 Love Languages.

The 5 Love Languages are in my opinion similar to and a specific application of the learning modalities of VAK - Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic learning modalities. The VAK have been well documented as to each person having all 3 learning modalities but one being more dominant. Visual learners learn by seeing, they picture things in the head, they learn from watching videos, live demonstrations, presentations etc. Auditory learners use sound, voice, by listening and being told information and Kinaesthetic is to do with touch and feel. So for example to ride a bike - Visual learners would watch someone riding, watch videos and presentations. Auditory would learn from hearing about it, being given instructions or read something and say it in their hears which Kinaesthetic would be from touching a bike, turning the wheels and getting into the saddle and peddling. All are correct, we use all, we have a dominate modality and can learn to develop the others.

Similarly Dr Gary Chapman had identified and explained 5 Love Languages in a book of the same title. At the time of this writing I have not read the book. It has been mentioned while I was doing research for the workshop and I have read articles and seen interview videos with the author on it. Each love language is a way of expressing love. Again each person will have a dominant language.

The 5 Love Languages are:

Physical Touch - holding hands, hugs, pat on back, massage etc.

Receiving Gifts - being given gifts or presents

Acts of Service - putting out the rubbish, setting table, putting kids to sleep after partner has had a tough day, clearing frost from car in the morning etc.

Words of Affirmation - words that support, encourage, acknowledge and lift up. Not criticism or demeaning language.

Quality Time - dinner together, going for a walk, discussing what is important to us, how we are feeling etc.

When an act is done in our dominant language we feel loved. If our partner has a different dominant love language but we express using our dominant language then they may not feel loved. It’s like communicating in Spanish when the partner does not understand Spanish but understands Hindi. There is mismatch and less of a feeling or being loved or connected. What we need to do is be aware of our love language making our partner aware of that and at the same time be aware of their love language and make conscious effort to express using that. This is related to deposits in the Relational / Emotional Bank Account - they need to be in currency of recipient. We can deposit dollars when Euros are the recipients currency.

Looking at the 3rd type of relationship, the relationship with Divinity, our higher Self, God we are reminded of the Guru (Teacher) - Shiksha (Student) relationship and how this special relationship can help uncover Divinity. We see this in the relationships of Mahavir Bhagwan with Gautam Swami, Krishna with Arjun and Shams with Rumi. It is a relationship based on unconditional love. The book, The 40 Rules of Love shares how Rumi become Rumi with the help of Shams, how he moved from head/scholarly approach to one of the heart/Divinity. Shams shares with Rumi the 40 Rules of Love which have existed for a long time. These rules are about Divinity, God. I remember when I first read the book how it resonated with my understanding of my faith and spirituality. I share here 4 of the rules to give you a flavour. Take a moment to reflect on them.

The 40 Rules of Love : Source www.ScoopWhoop.com

“We seek it here, we seek it there, we look for love everywhere!
We expect it to come to us, usually through another person.
All our conditioning says it is something that happens to us. The mythology of our fables, legends and modern day entertainment industries say it is something we ‘fall into’.
And yet… and yet real love can not be acquired, possessed or accumulated. It can not be known where we think it comes from outside ourselves. The ultimate paradox is we are love.
We are love.
”

— Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual University

“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.”

— Mother Teresa

Apply some of these ideas and nurture fulfilling, meaningful, loving and happier relationship with your self, everyone else and your higher Self.

Resources

The 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak I also sell this book so get in touch if you would like a copy

The 40 Rules of Love on ScoopWhoop

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The 5 Love Languages articles by FierceMarriage.com

The 36 Questions for closeness

SCVP London Jain School

If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.

About the Author

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS

This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship workshops that Happy Life Habits delivered on 14 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. The follow on part 2 session is on 28th February 2020 at the same venue.

Recording of Happier Relationships delivered on 14th February 2020 at SCVP Jain School.

Relationships are integral to our lives. The happier relationships we have, the more connected, happier and meaningful our lives are. Take a moment to answer these questions and do this activity:

Think of a current great relationship / friendship that you have.

Who is it with? Why is it great ? (List at least 3 things)

What are the ingredients for a happy relationship?

What causes relationships to strain?

Why are relationships important?

What are the 3 most important relationships?

Let’s take some of these questions and look at some answers.

What are the ingredients for a Happy Relationship? Here are some:

TRUST: One fundamental idea that gets mentioned when discussing this topic, is the idea of Trust. Be it a romantic relationship, a relationship between family members, friends, business, doctor and patient, or teacher and student, there needs to be a good level of trust for the relationship to be happy. When the trust is abused or gone, the relationship deteriorates. Sometimes the trust is given straight away and at other times it is earned but when it is gone, it is difficult to rebuild.

VALUES: Having some matching values is key. Not all values necessarily need to match or align in ranking but having core values match and similar ranking is a good foundation. A bit like the intersect of two circles representing values domain in a Venn diagram. Having some different values is what gives variety and opportunities for learning and growth. When values are not matching and aligned, it has resulted in the relationship failing - be it a married relationship or a business relationship.

THINK WIN-WIN: This is habit 4 from Stephen Covey’s - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It is not about compromise or feeling that you have to give in or give up, but rather about finding a way that both parties in the relationship win, finding a solution that benefits both and both are happy to live with. When we go in with Win-Lose, Lose-Lose, or Lose-Win attitude we are already at a loss. It can become transactional and keeping count such as I gave in this time so next time they have to give in. Win-Win is seeing how best we can serve each other so overall we all benefit.

BRING OUT THE BEST IN EACH OTHER: Related to the Win-Win thinking, you bring out the best in each other, encourage each other to be closer to their potential and grow. Your are living the values, expressing the virtues both during good times and especially during challenging times.

SHARED EXPERIENCES: Shared experiences - either positive ones or challenging ones, help create bonds, memories and opportunity for growth.

COMMUNICATION: LISTEN, TALK, UNDERSTAND (DISCUSS): To really listen to the other person, without judging, interrupting, advising (unless requested) and to just hold space for them is a valuable skill to develop and amazing thing to do. Sometimes they just want to have someone listen, so they can share what they are thinking, feeling and get it out of their system. Talking and sharing conversation helps to understand each other. It lets us know what is going on and can alleviate the issues of expectations and misunderstandings. Conversations can occur during the usual day to day and does not need a designated time such as while washing up, loading the dishwasher, cooking, meal time, driving, before going to bed.

Deep, present listening and talking lead to understanding , discussion and can help deal with stress, anxiety, depression and emotional regulation.

FEEL LOVED, VALUED, CARED FOR… we want to feel loved, valued and cared for. We want to support and be supported, encourage and be encouraged.

---

“CONNECTION IS WHY WE’RE HERE.
IT’S WHAT GIVES PURPOSE AND MEANING TO OUR LIVES”

— Brene Brown - TED Talk

The Greater Good Science Centre, Action for Happiness and The Museum of Happiness all put great importance to connection and relationships as essential aspects of Happiness. The Science has shown that feeling connected is vital to our well being. Without feeling connected or having good relationships it can impact our mental health and feelings of loneliness. It has significant health benefits including better resilience and those with good quality relationships living longer.

Oxytocin, one of the happy chemicals released in the body has one of its functions to help with bonding, connection and trust. It is released in a mother when she has given birth to create the mother-child bond. It also helps with our well being by impacting the heart, arteries and vagus nerve. Low Oxytocin leads to low trust, low social interaction, weak relationships, anxiety and fear.

Through acts of kindness, compassion, touch, hugs, contact, gifts and the practice of gratitude we can increase the Oxytocin in our bodies.

“I USED TO THINK THAT THE WORST THING IN LIFE WAS TO END UP ALL ALONE. IT’S NOT. THE WORST THING IN LIFE IS TO END UP WITH PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE.”

— Robin Williams - Actor

Some of the aspects that cause a strain on relationships are: being disloyal, trust gone, not listening, expectations, less shared experiences and quality time together.

John Gottman, a researcher who has studied relationships for over 40 years is able to predict with 91% accuracy if a couple are going to stay together after a few years based on watching a 5 minute clip of the interactions between the couple. What he observed was that if there were 5 or more positive interactions to each negative one then the couple where likely to stay together and those whose ratio of positive to negative was 1:1 or less were likely to split up.

“DON’T WASH THE DISH BECAUSE IT IS DIRTY. DON’T WASH THE DISH BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD YOU TO. WASH THE DISH BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE PERSON THAT WILL USE IT NEXT.”

— Dave Radparvar, Co-Founder Holstee

The concept of a emotional / relational bank account from the work of Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people is a power one and relates to the 5:1 ration that John Gottman shared. The concept is that we all have a relational bank account in a relationship, similar to a normal financial bank account.We can make deposits and withdrawals in this account. However if we make withdrawals before we have made deposits or the value of withdrawals is greater than the deposits then we go into overdraft and that is going to hurt. The value of deposits and withdrawals are not equal, a withdrawal could have a higher value than a deposit. For a deposit to be accepted it must be in the currency valued in the recipients bank.

The Relational /Emotional Bank Account from Stephen Covey

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a fantastic book sharing lessons on personal change from Dependence to Independence to Interdependence. It is one that has had a profound impact on me since my mid twenties. Three of the habits are all about relationships, interdependence, and how we interact with others. These are Think Win-Win, Synergy and Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

THINK WIN-WIN: This is about the attitude of going into a relationship (business, romantic or any other) with a win-win mindset. Finding or creating a solution or agreement that both (all) parties are happy with and can live with. It is not compromise where one feels that they have given up something or transactional where I have compromised / given up this time so the other party must compromise next time. It is a genuine approach to find a solution that benefits both parties where they both win and no one loses. Of course if a solution of win-win can not be found or agreed upon then perhaps a no deal is required.

SYNERGY: Synergy is all about collaboration and cooperation where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, where 1 + 1 = 3 or more. It is where what I can do has a certain limit and likewise what you can do has a limit but together we create something that is far greater then the sum of our two limits. An example of synergy is that a plank of wood across 2 supports can hold a certain amount of weight, let us say for example it it 10 kg. Two such planks individually could hold 20 kg, however if the two planks are put one on top of another there collaboration, cooperation, synergy together allows them to hold 50 kg of weight - exceeding what they could do individually.

We are all here because of the synergy of our parents when 1+1 = 3 or more!

SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND AND THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD: is a beautiful way of mindful listening, being present and holding space. It allows the other person to share, be heard, feel valued and exist without interruption, advice, our own story, thoughts or feelings colouring the moment. In doing so they are in a better position when the time is right to understand us or what we are sharing. Really powerful for negotiation, conflict resolution or to have a deeper bond.

---

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF SHE OR HE IS THE ONE?

I don't believe in "the one" in the soul mate sense.

I do believe there are partners out there that will bring us greatness now and in the future and in turn, it will bring us immense pleasure to bring greatness to them.

By greatness, I mean satisfaction, fulfilment, and growth in every sense of each word.

You will be both a supporter and a mentor to each other.

You are aligned on the values you are passionate about.

You will challenge each other's views and comfort each other when no one else can.

Most importantly, you respect each other enough to listen and you care enough to understand.

When you realise you are the best versions of the people you wish to be when you are around each other, you will know you never want to leave each others’ sides.

Don't be afraid to fall in love.

Dave Radparvar Co-Founder, Holstee

Resources

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Men’s brains and Women’s brains - Mark Gungor

Museum of Happiness Relationships Article

John Gottman TED Talk

Brene Brown TED Talk

SCVP London Jain School

If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.

About the Author

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS EVENT DEVELOPMENT

I’ve enjoyed the creative process to development the Happier Relationships Workshop content being initially delivered on 14th and 28th February.

I’ve drawn upon a variety of materials from Personal Development, Spirituality, The Science of Happiness, blog posts, articles and personal experience to connect ideas and develop the workshop on Happier Relationships. I am really looking forward to share these and help impact happier relationships.

The 2 sessions are part 1 and part 2 and will involve stories, science of happiness research, activities, video and slide presentation. Open to all, free, bring pen, notebook and friends.

Happier Relationships part 1 and 2

Action for Happiness have a February Calendar on Friendship/Relationships which help stimulate ideas for action for you to take.

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There is a 21 Day Simple Living Challenge on 29th February. It’s free and online. You get an email each day with an idea or activity to reflect on and action if you so wish. The email has links to a video, article or further information if you want to explore more.

A great way to shift mindset, try something new and fun and observe the benefits that lead to happiness.

Some examples are

Day 1 Declutter Your Home. Give Away At Least One Thing You Don't Need.

Day 2 Make Time To Unplug. Reduce Screen Time Today.

Day 3 Spend Ten Minutes In Silence

Day 4 Clear Out Your Inbox / Mailbox

If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.

About the Author

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

THE INEVITABLE - DEATH, THE END OF LIVING

“Life and time are the two best teachers. Life teaches us to make good use of time and time teaches us the value of life.”

This is dedicated in memory to my good friend Bobby Shah, aged 47, who passed away on 15 October 2019.

I had been meaning to write on this topic soon after writing about my experience of identity theft (still to be completed and published - it is not as important).

Over the last few years I have been attending more prayer meetings and funerals for family members, friends parents and wider community members. Each time it is a stark reminder of how short life is, not to waste time on the mundane and to do the things that matter. Also each time I am often at a loss on how best to respond, what to say and how to provide some support and solace despite deep feelings of empathy and compassion. Each time it makes me reflect on my ageing parents and in-laws and ultimately on my own life and mortality.

During a couple weeks towards the end of Summer I was hearing about people we knew or their relatives passing away almost on a daily basis. In some cases it was old age, others health in one of many forms of cancer, related to heart problems, diabetes or an accident. Almost on a daily basis we hear on the news about a knife related murder in the capital.

Even with spiritual learning, faith, personal development and knowledge of the science of happiness and understanding that our true nature is an eternal Soul it is hard to deal with death. I share about time management and Begin with the End in mind.

This is a poem shared by one of Bobby’s friends which is apt.

Farewell My Friends by Rabindranath Tagore

Farewell My Friends
It was beautiful
As long as it lasted
The journey of my life.
I have no regrets
Whatsoever said
The pain I’ll leave behind.
Those dear hearts
Who love and care...
And the strings pulling
At the heart and soul...
The strong arms
That held me up
When my own strength
Let me down.
At the turning of my life
I came across
Good friends,
Friends who stood by me
Even when time raced me by.
Farewell, farewell My friends
I smile and
Bid you goodbye.
No, shed no tears
For I need them not
All I need is your smile.
If you feel sad
Do think of me
For that’s what I’ll like
When you live in the hearts
Of those you love
Remember then
You never die.

---

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross there are 5 chronological stages to grief:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

We were aware that Bobby had a cardiac arrest two weeks ago and were getting regular updates on his situation. Latest update had been that small progress was in the right direction. Knowing his character of being a fighter and young in age we really thought and hoped he would pull through. Alas the news on Tuesday 15th October 2019 in the afternoon gut wrenched us. We were numb, my wife and I consoled each other. We checked in and spoke with friends to see how they were doing. I was and still am filled with a real sense of loss, remorse, sadness and grief that I have not felt and experienced in a long time. Being a positive, optimistic, happy person with practices to help me stay that way I have not embraced or felt these emotions of loss, grief and sadness in a long time.

Tuesday evening the emotions over ran and I cried uncontrollably being consoled and hugged by my wife. Since then I have often been moist eyed and am as I write this. I still need a good cry - to wallow in the grief. My thoughts often go to Bobby, the memories and that sense of loss and regret. A few times while driving I have missed turnings as mind wandering. Time seems to have slowed down.

My wife and I discussed that not having physical health can be an impact on quality of life, so can not having mental health (be it depression or any form of dementia) while having good physical health. In fact all 4 need to be kept good: Physical, Mental, Social/Emotional and Spiritual. See previous post

Why Be Happy, Health, Wealthy and Wise

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A palliative nurse called Bronnie Ware who cared for people in their last 12 weeks of life has captured in a book The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying :

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Something for us to reflect on and action.

Here are some of the things that I have shared with others to help during this difficult time that may help

• What were their strongest qualities?

• How were they expressed (stories, anecdotes, examples, etc.)?

• What was their life motto/key principles?

• What are your fondest memories?

• The challenges they faces and how they dealt with them

The use of the happiness journal.

• I am grateful for having Bobby in my life

• I am grateful for the time we shared and memories created

• I am grateful that he is no longer in pain or suffering

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Bobby was a great friend to all and very sociable.

He was not afraid to try new things and made bold choices. He studied graphic design and pursued a career in that area during a time when most people were pursuing careers in accountancy, medical related, business or IT. This pursuit led him to work for the esteemed Fitch consultancy. Another bold choice was during the internet revolution he left core graphic design to be part of a start up working for may months in India as a co-founder of a tech start up. He re-skilled and saw opportunities in digital recruitment and later as a digital career coach.  

He was an early advocate of Apple Macs before Apple became mainstream.

His friendly, encouraging, helpful and cheerful personality meant he touched many hearts. Community Service was a strong aspect of his life and he helped many community organisations, companies and individuals including Navnat, Veerayatan and Young Jains. Many spiritual leaders and saints from the various Jain organisations and groups where praying for him over the last 2 weeks. 

He saw a need to help and created groups : Dance with Diabetics and one for Career mums.  He loved dancing.

I have many fond memories from our 20s and 30s where we spent most time together. Most weekends we would be either going to the cinema, plays, shows, club, family picnic, out for a meal, getting together at someone's house watching a movie, playing games or just chatting.

Going ski-ing with a large group in the late 90s, joining friends who were going to Manchester to watch international cricket, garden parties and family picnics in the summer, going to Pizza Express after Navnat Youth Badminton or almost each week after 20 week Jain Course being taught by our Jain teacher - Mr Vinodbhai Kapashi.

The various groups of friends had shared various milestones in each others lives such as birthdays, job changes, engagements, marriage, birth of children, passing of parents, Diwali, Christmas and so forth. He has now taken the courageous and bold step to work on his next big project.

I regret not making so many positive memories in recent times or being there more often for him and family during the last few years.

May his Soul Rest in Peace. Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.

Resources and Actions

This is a wonderful collection of resources please do look into them

• Live with Loss by my friend Suraj Shah a trained bereavement support visitor

• Organising a Jain Funeral by my friend Heena Modi (Suraj’s wife) has written an excellent article with great links (whether Jain or not)

• Get a Will and Power of Attorney sorted, I recommend contacting my friend Shandip Shah of Balance Consultancy

• Talk to family and friends of what you are feeling and going through - share your feelings and emotions, write them down/ journal them - do not keep them bottled up. Being aware of your present emotions, sensations and thoughts is much of what mindfulness is about

• Begin with the End in Mind - focus on what matters and do those things - it is more about health, relationships, emotions and less about more hours in the office or bigger pay packet, though do not neglect creating habits for long term financial security.

• Read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom - based on true story, reminds us what matters

• Watch and read The Last Lecture again true story of a cancer patient, beautiful messages - include some of my favourites like Disney and Star Wars!

• Re-watch the classic Steve Jobs Stanford speech - How to Live before you die.

• Really useful podcast on 6th stage of grief by Commune.

About the Author

Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.

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