ARTICLES & BLOG
Happy New Year? Life Goes On
We started and ended 2023 with grief. In January my aunt passed away and last week on Wednesday my father in law.
This is Life.
Since the Review 2023 blog in early Dec life has radically changed. One weekend we are celebrating Christmas with family; joyful moments, lovely food, games, photos and conversations making memories.
The following weekend, having the funeral for my father in law, feeling shock, disbelief, grief, sadness and much more. This is Life - joys, happiness and sadness, grief.
We started and ended 2023 with grief. In January my aunt passed away and last week on Wednesday my father in law.
This is Life.
Since the Review 2023 blog in early Dec life has radically changed. One weekend we are celebrating Christmas with family; joyful moments, lovely food, games, photos and conversations making memories. The following weekend, having the funeral for my father in law, feeling shock, disbelief, grief, sadness and much more. This is Life - joys, happiness and sadness, grief.
‘Khabie Khushi Kabhie Gham’ - sometimes happy, sometimes sad.
I have found that writing helps me express my thoughts, feelings and cope with the changes.
On Christmas Day (Sunday) my father in law, Harshna’s dad, who is in Kenya had an emergency operation which went well though a bit more complicated than initially thought. Tuesday night we get a message that the body is struggling to cope with the changes of the operation. Wednesday evening I take the call to be told that he has just passed away. Devastating news. Harshna and her brother made arrangements to go to Kenya landing on Friday morning for the funeral and cremation on Saturday. None of us have slept well these last few days.
Time has gone strange - it’s just about a week since he passed away yet a lot has happened in that week. The first few days felt they were passing very slowly.
We had our first New Years Eve apart in a long time, second maybe in our 27 year marriage.
December and January are heavy months for us with various family member death anniversaries including my father’s near beginning of December and father in law towards the end.
There are some resources to help with grief we have created and collated including a video of losing a parent, spouse and helping children. These can be found at https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/positive-grief.
Highly suggest you save/bookmark the link and go through the materials before you experience grief. As the brain on grief goes haywire on emotions/thinking.
Gulabchand (Jayendra) Premchand Kanji Shah (Hansas)
27-5-1947 - 27-12-2023
Gulabchand (Jayendra) Premchand Kanji Shah (Hansas) 27-5-1947 - 27-12-2023
He was calm, humble, friendly, helpful, funny, curious and happy to learn.
We are grateful to have had him in our lives creating many memories. In particular in the Summer of 2023 when we had a family holiday together in Kenya.
I am grateful for technology that allowed Harshna to video call her parents each day and stay connected.
I am grateful for international travel options.
May Your Cup Always Overflow
--John Paul MooreI've never made a fortune,
And I'll never make one now
But it really doesn't matter
'Cause I'm happy anyhow.
As I go along my journey
I'm reaping better than I've sowed
I'm drinking from the saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
I don't have a lot of riches,
And the going's sometimes tough
But with kin and friends to love me
I think I'm rich enough.
I thank God for the blessings
That His mercy has bestowed
I'm drinking from the saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
He gives me strength and courage
When the way grows steep and rough
I'll not ask for other blessings
For I'm already blessed enough.
May we never be too busy
To help bear another's load
Then we'll all be drinking from the saucer
When our cups have overflowed.
May your cup always overflow.
I am reminded in the difference between contact and connection shared in Positive Grief, here is the snippet:
In the full Positive Grief talk I shared at a high level the Top 5 regrets of the dying by Bronnie Ware. Earlier this year some friends recommended reading that book. I got hold of it and read it. It is awesome. Sharing the observations of a palliative care nurse who looks after terminally ill patients in their final stages.
The empathy, care and compassion Bronnie showed in her role has helped me in my role as a carer for my mum. See blog post on A Christmas Care-Role Who Cares?. Reading the book expanded the top 5 regrets.
Top 5 Regrets of the Dying - Bronnie Ware
A palliative nurse called Bronnie Ware who cared for people in their last 12 weeks of life has captured in the book The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying :
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. (Values/Purpose/Meaning)
I wish I hadn't worked so hard. (Balance)
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. (Emotions/ Gratitude Letter)
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. (Connection)
I wish that I had let myself be happier. (Focus on Happiness)
Personally and through Happy Life Habits I am working on not having these 5 regrets.
How about you?
Shaileen Shah - Happy Life Habits Coach, Speaker & Trainer
Happy Life Habits rewires hearts & minds for better productivity, happiness and wellbeing in 10 minutes a day. We help you move out of the comfort zone and into the learning/growth zones. Our products and services help develop habits and continuous personal development.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list and join the Happy Life Habits Community WhatsApp Group
Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube etc links can be found at https://linktr.ee/HappyLifeHabits
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
Happy Life Habits Positively Impacting Happiness & Wellbeing Levels
A NEW HOPE? OR NO HOPE?
Sometimes with the restrictions of lockdown, the negative news, so many deaths and cold, dark winter we feel like there is no hope and at other times hope is all we have.
The original classic Stars Wars was titled Episode IV : A New Hope. In this blog article I share some recent positive news stories, resources and Happy Life Habits activities.
Sometimes with the restrictions of lockdown, the negative news, so many deaths and cold, dark winter we feel like there is no hope and at other times hope is all we have.
The original classic Stars Wars was titled Episode IV : A New Hope. In this blog article I share some recent positive news stories, resources and Happy Life Habits activities.
Everything is F*cked : A book about Hope
Sometimes it feels like the title of this book. This is a book I recently got hold of, still to be read but looks interesting and the author’s previous book I have seen mentioned.
““Why should I fear death? If I am, then death is not. If Death is, then I am not. Why should I fear that which can only exist when I do not?””
Wonderful Positive News about HelpVeerNow
Veer is a 4 year old boy, son of our friends and from the communities we are part of. He has low blood counts and desperately needs a stem cell donor. The family have set up HelpVeerNow to raise awareness and help campaign to get more people on the the donor lists so they can find a match for Veer and also help others in the same situation to find a match. The numbers of people registered to be a donor is very low especially in BAME. To find a match is like finding a needle in a haystack. It needn’t be. If everyone, including you and people you know registered then there would be plenty of needles to be easily found.
The wonderful news is that three 90% matches have been found. A few months ago there weren’t and the family had been told that Veer had months instead of years to find a transplant donor as his counts had dropped.
You can listen to the family’s journey on the BBC World Service recording. It is very powerful, positive, uplifting and funny with the mention of a stem cell donut! and Veer going out to look for his superhero donor. What comes through the the emotional and mental struggles, them leaning into their Jain faith and keeping focused on the positive. Even with Veer having a match, the campaigning continues as many more people needed on the registers.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3ct1fq8
I am privileged to say the family are part of the Happy Life Habits Community, attended workshops and training courses. In May 2020 when a Veer’s Virtual Extravaganza was held, Happy Life Habits was honoured to serve in opening the Extravaganza with a Happiness and Gratitude workshop.
Resource: Coping in a Crisis
Hansa Pankhania a new acquaintance is an author, coach and consultant who will be in a future series of the Inspiration Point Podcast. She has written a variety of books on Stress, Crisis as well as stories. Her most recent is title Coping in a Crisis and covers coping with loss, financial loss, grief, relationship and including coping strategies. The book is free to download from www.aumconsultancy.co.uk.
Hansa has been inspired by Deepak Chopra’s WellBeing Centre - more in future Inspiration Point Podcast .
JVB London: The Future of Wellbeing & Higher Consciousness by Dr. Deepak Chopra
Recently I was able to attend a zoom meeting with the world reknowned Deepak Chopra. It was organised by JVB London and titled The Future of Wellbeing & Higher Consciousness by Dr. Deepak Chopra. The recording is here and well worth listening to. It resonated on some many levels for me and I loved watching it.
Happy Life Habits Gratitude & Journal Habit Immersion Training Course
Gratitude has been shown to increase the chances of psychologically surviving hard times. In the HLH Gratitude Workshops I share that gratitude helps :
Us feel less deflated
Gives Hope
Helps Heal
It certainly has done this for me through life’s various challenges and has helped over 50 people who have taken the 30 day Happy Life Habits Gratitude & Journal Habit Immersion Training Course. It is a pro-social behaviour making use feel more connected.
I’ll share a recent testimonial:
“I’ve just completed the Happiness and Gratitude training programme that Shaileen hosted.
We all ‘know’ what to do and how to ‘be’ happy, positive and grateful but it’s not always something that’s at the forefront of our minds when we are in the day to day of our lives. I booked on this course back in November as something to look forward to for the start of the year.
Alongside Shaileens’ great questions and coaching support, there was a daily journal to complete.
The whole programme was really, really good. My mindset has grown stronger as a result of the course and for anyone who wants some MH (Mental Health) support, to be able to see the ‘wood for the trees’ or like me, just wants to spend a bit of time focussing on the ‘haves’ vs the ‘have nots’ - this is for you.
I highly recommend it to you and to anyone who supports MH in the workplace. It’s fabulous.”
If you want to know more, sign up or join waiting list go to https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/habit-immersion
Inspiration Point Podcast Series 2
We reach half way through series 2 with 2 fantastic episodes completed and the 3rd due in a few hours as I write. The sessions I have found and feedback received as being unique, inspiring, positive, uplifting and an hour well spent. Episode 5 is about my cousin Dr Ajay Shah who is the older brother of episode 3 Niraj Shah. Earlier we shared Veer was looking for a super hero to be his stem cell donor. Episode 5 is Dr Ajay Shah - Super Hero Doctor. In recent ITV news about the Covid19 vaccination programme, Ajay has been caught in action.
Past recordings you can find at https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/inspiration-point and if you would like or know one who may be great to take part in a future episode please fill out the simple form at https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/inspiration-point-form.
Happy life habits connected conversations
I have recently had wonderful conversations related to Happy Life Habits projects. One was with a friend, HLH community member and course graduate. They asked what is the difference between motivation and inspiration. I had a good think, some ideas, did research and confirmed my thoughts plus additional concepts. We had a great conversation sharing and deepening each of our understanding. I’ll share at a later date the ideas shared. That conversation, the HLH Book Club plus writings on connection, relationships, isolation shared over the last year help give more traction to the idea of Connected Conversations.
To help foster connection, reduce sense of isolation and pro-social behaviour plus its benefits we have a new initiative we are exploring: Connected Conversations. It is not a workshop, it is not a talk. It’s a conversation.
30-60 mins - join on time, leave at anytime
1:1 and 1:many conversations
Move to different conversation groups at will
Using wonder.me platform
Discuss, share, express, explore, listen, connect
Theme: Relationships and Connection
Date & Time: Sunday 14th Feb 10:30am -11:30am
Where: Wonder.me
Here are some links to previous articles and workshop recordings from 2020 on Happier Relationships that I am quite proud of and people have found useful. https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/news/2020/2/6/happier-relationships
A request dear friend and reader.
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
WHAT DO WE ALL HAVE IN COMMON? COMMUNITY.
This article I am exploring the idea of community. Community has been a great support for me over the years and in particular during the Covid-19 Pandemic as previously written in Together in Isolation. There are many ideas and resources in that article that have helped me and can help you as here in the UK we go into a 2nd national lockdown. The themes covered are:
CONTROL THE CONTROLLABLES NATURE ROUTINE SPIRITUALITY & FAITH
HEALTH HUMOUR & FEEL GOOD CONNECTION MINDFULNESS & PRESENT MOMENT
LEARNING KINDNESS REFLECTION, GRATITUDE AND JOURNALLING
3 of the Inspiration Point guests have contributed to that article before the 1st national lockdown in March 2020.
Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash
Happy Diwali and Happy World Kindness Day
The team at Happy Life Habits wish a Happy Diwali and Happy World Kindness Day to those celebrating.
In this short article I am exploring the idea of community. Community has been a great support for me over the years and in particular during the Covid-19 Pandemic as previously written in Together in Isolation. There are many ideas and resources in that article that have helped me and can help you as during 2nd national lockdown. The themes covered are:
CONTROL THE CONTROLLABLES NATURE ROUTINE SPIRITUALITY & FAITH HEALTH HUMOUR & FEEL GOOD MINDFULNESS & PRESENT MOMENT CONNECTION LEARNING GRATITUDE AND JOURNALLING KINDNESS REFLECTION
Three (Nick Williams, Sanjay Shah and Beejal Coulson) of the Inspiration Point guests have contributed to that article before the 1st national lockdown in March 2020.
Being Part of Communities
Being parts of various communities has been a huge support to me. Recently over a 7 or so day spell in my calendar almost each day was community related activities including Happy Life Habits (HLH). This was :
Thursday : Attending a talk organised by Shishukunj
Sunday : HLH Gratitude & Journal Habit Training Course workshop
Monday: HLH BookClub
Tuesday: HLH Inspiration Point
Wednesday: Diwali meeting for celebrations planned on 14th November by SCVP and Young Jains
Thursday: Co-Facilitating Young Jains Enriching Conversations on these of Diwali: Shine the Right Light
Friday : Teaching at SCVP Jain School
Happy Diwali to those celebrating. Happy World Kindness Day - 13th Nov.
I enjoy and learn from being part of those communities and feel connected.
We also received good news that the HelpVeerNow campaign shared. Through their efforts to get more people registered on donor databases to increase the chances of finding a bone marrow match for Veer; a registrant in India has been found to be match for another person - saving a life. Without the HelpVeerNow campaign and community the donor may not have registered. This gives hope that a match can be found for Veer. Register and tell others to register, details at www.HelpVeerNow.org
What is Community
From wikipedia
A community is a social unit (a group of living things) with commonality such as norms, religion, values, customs, or identity. Communities may share a sense of place situated in a given geographical area (e.g. a country, village, town, or neighbourhood) or in virtual space through communication platforms. Durable relations that extend beyond immediate genealogical ties also define a sense of community, important to their identity, practice, and roles in social institutions such as family, home, work, government, society, or humanity at large. Although communities are usually small relative to personal social ties, "community" may also refer to large group affiliations such as national communities, international communities, and virtual communities.
The English-language word "community" derives from the Old French comuneté (currently "Communauté"), which comes from the Latin communitas "community", "public spirit" (from Latin communis, "common")
From the Jain faith we have the concept of interdependence shared as …
Parasparopagraho Jīvānām (Sanskrit) is a Jain aphorism from the Tattvārtha Sūtra [5.21]. It is translated as "Souls render service to one another". It is also translated as, "All life is bound together by mutual support and interdependence." These translations are virtually the same (by virtue, that is), because Jains believe that every living being, from a plant or a bacterium to human, has a soul and the concept forms the very basis of Jainism.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasparopagraho_Jivanam
On reading the chapter on Ego from Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty in preparation for the next HLH Book Club session he quotes the Dalai Lama as saying
Under the bright sun, many of us are gathered together with different languages, different styles of dress, even different faiths. However all of us are the same in being human beings, we all uniquely have the thought of “I” and we’re all the same wanting happiness and in wanting to avoid suffering
Happy Life Habits (HLH) has been working hard to serve and cultivate a community of people who want to positively impact happiness and well-being levels. When we are happy, kind, optimistic or hopeful by contagion the people around us also feel that. An act of kindness done to one person ripples out to 6 others and then with each of those 6 rippling to another 6 for three further levels.
Through the HLH Community FaceBook group, the workshops, Inspiration Point, Book Club, Habit training courses we seek to bring people together, have a sense of connection, share inspiration, support each other and build a positive community.
If this resonates with you, you can help us with the crowdfunding campaign running for a few week. You can donate, claim a reward such as a journal, workshop or a place on the Gratitude and Journal Habit Immersion Training Course starting 4th January 2021. If we reach our target and meet some other criteria, the Mayor of London will give us additional funding which will allow us to do more for free or low cost.
https://payitforward.london.gov.uk/hlh-sharing-positivity-resilience
Many thanks to those who have already supported and shared the campaign.
Over the remaining part of this year we have a few events detailed on the events page.
These include:
Last Episode of Inspiration Point Series 1 : 24th November
Manage Your Mindset and Money Workshop : 1st December (in collaboration with Priti Shah from LightSide Financial)
Remaining Gratitude & Journal Habit Immersion Training Course sessions for November (you can secure place for £60 instead of £75 via crowdfunding)
Looking back, Looking Forward Workshop : 13 Dec (TBC) (sign up via crowdfunding)
A request dear friend and reader.
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
Happy Birthday - Time to Connect
I write this on the eve of turning 50. What to say? These birthday celebrations are way different from what we had in mind last year or even at the beginning of this year. We were making plans to have family from USA and Kenya come visit during the summer and arrange a few get togethers with both sides of the families - both in terms of mine and my wife’s as well as both in terms of my dad’s and mum’s side. This is a lot of people. The celebrations would be for my son turning 16, completing GCSE exams and me turning 50. With the pandemic issue we can’t have more than 6 people meet.
I remember before I turned 24, I had just started my first real job and career out of university. I was a junior consultant in a US based technology consulting firm. I had been to Cambridge, Massachusetts for month long orientation training. During one weekend we had driven to New York, the Big Apple. I was then back in the UK working on projects, work then had become quieter in the UK. During September they shipped a few of out to projects in the USA. I ended up in Lansing, Michigan for a good few weeks. One weekend we took off to Lake Michigan - more like am ocean than a lake. I ended up spending my birthday weekend driving with a friend to Toronto, Canada where he had his family. I was away from family and friends. Being with my friend and his family was fine but I felt alone and did not enjoy that birthday experience. I enjoy being around people, especially family and friends and I enjoy celebration birthdays. Happy Birthday - I has HAPPY in the phrase and it has Birth - Life, so a Happiness Coach calling his company Happy Life Habits loves celebrating birthdays be they his own or others.
I was reminded by Facebook of a post from a few years ago which is a real treasure and I share here which share the difference between a contact and connection.
A Monk of the RamaKrishna Mission was being interviewed by a journalist from NY.
Journalist - "Sir, in your last lecture, you told us about Jogajog (contact) & Sanjog (connection). It's really confusing. Can you explain ? "
The Monk smiled and apparently deviating from the question asked the journalist:
"Are you from New York?"
Journalist - "Yeh..."
Monk - "Who are there at home?”
The Journalist felt that the Monk was trying to avoid answering his question since this was a very personal and unwarranted question. Yet the journalist said: “Mother has expired. Father is there. Three brothers and one sister. All married..."
The Monk, with a smile on his face, asked again: “Do you talk to your father?"
The journalist looked visibly annoyed...
The Monk - “When did you talk to him last?"
The journalist, supressing his annoyance said: "May be a month ago."
The Monk: “Do you brothers and sisters meet often? When did you meet last as a family gathering?"
At this point, sweat appeared on the forehead of the journalist. Now who was conducting the interview, the Monk or the Journalist? It seemed that the Monk was interviewing the Journalist.
With a sigh, the Journalist said: “We met last at Christmas two years ago."
The Monk: “How many days did you all stay together ?"
The Journalist (wiping the sweat on his brow) said: “Three days..."
Monk: "How much time did you spend with your Father, sitting right beside him?"
The journalist looking perplexed and embarrassed and started scribbling something on a paper...
The Monk: "Did you have breakfast, lunch or dinner together? Did you ask how he was? Did you ask how his days are passing after your mother's death?"
Drops of tears coming out started to flow from the eyes of the journalist.
The Monk held the hand of the journalist and said: “Don't be embarrassed, upset or sad. I am sorry if I have hurt you unknowingly... But this is basically the answer to your question about "contact and connection (Jogajog and Sanjog)". You have 'contact' with your father but you don't have 'connection' with him. You are not connected to him. Connection is between heart and heart... sitting together, sharing meals and caring for each other ; touching, shaking hands, having eye contact, spending some time together...You brothers and sisters have 'contact' but you have no 'connection' with each other...."
The journalist wiped his eyes and said: "Thanks for teaching me a fine and unforgettable lesson"
This is the reality today. Whether at home or in the society everybody has lots of contacts but there is no connection. No communication... Everybody is in his or her own world.
Let us not maintain just "contacts" but let us remain "connected"; caring, sharing and spending time with all our dear ones.
*****
The Monk was none other than Swami Vivekananda
Lessons Learned at 50
There are many people who have come into my life, there are many mistakes made, lessons learned, many inspirers, many joyous moments and continue to do so. Some of these lessons relate to a few themes.
TIME is our most precious resource. We don’t know how much we have left so use it wisely.
CONNECTION is central to our existence. The much loved and shared Brene Brown quote says it all. Check out this awesome blog on connection.
We have 3 main relationships or connections:
with our self
with others
with our higher self, nature, universe, God
The Happy Life Habits logo is all about connection, it is a connected pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
The below quote was share on HLH Community group when within a few days we developed the HLH Book Club. Thanks Mary T for inspiring it.
“‘Time is our most precious resource. We should not waste it. If it fits with my mission, serves, feels right, positively impacts, makes me smile, adds to the greater good, enthuses and inspires me and have the opportunity to be with wonderful like minded people - why wait? ”
Manage your TIME, ENERGY & ATTENTION
I am hoping to share sessions on this in 2021
HABITS OF THE HEART & SOUL : GRATITUDE, COMPASSION, KINDNESS, LOVE, FORGIVENESS, MINDFULNESS
return wonderful returns when developed - they are all about connection.
“Our life is made up of a series of moments. We live moment to moment. The more happy moments we can have and create the happier our life will be. ”
All the current Happy Life Habit projects and activities relate to these themes : The Happiness Boosters, The Gratitude Workshop, The Gratitude and Journal Habit Immersion Course, The HLH Book Club and the newly launched Inspiration Point. I look forward to connecting with you and being part of the Happy Life Habits Community with you.
Many thanks to all the attendees, participants, partners, supporters and sponsors.
With Love, Warmth, Gratitude and Kindness
Shaileen Shah - The Happiness Coach - 50 Years Old - still got a long way to go.
A request dear friend and reader.
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM : WE'VE LOST CONNECTION
This article follows on from The Ups & Downs of a Happiness Coach: Craving Connection. This one is about loneliness, suicide and connection. This is what its like to feel lonely.
With the massive changes we are currently facing of Social Isolation, Social Distancing, Lockdown etc. and this likely to continue for many months is going to have an impact on peoples mental health, sense of connection and people are going to feel lonely, hopeless and suicidal. This article and is here to serve as for you all to tap into you spider senses and keep aware of that tingling feeling to raise the awareness to watch out for your emotions as well as those of others. More so that ever we need to actively reach out, check in and keep connected and help others to also do so.
This article follows on from The Ups & Downs of a Happiness Coach: Craving Connection. This one is about loneliness, suicide and connection. This is what its like to feel lonely.
That’s right I purposefully put a lot of empty, blank space in, nothing there. How did that make you feel when you read it, saw it? Feel any connection?
I almost considered not writing anything and publishing just the title and introduction. At the start of Craving Connection article I had shared that:
“As an experiment, for my own happiness and a way to serve I am going to chronicle as a diary some of my thoughts (ups and downs) and actions during this pandemic…..During this pandemic I have been craving for connection both people to people and grateful for the technology connections, I guess with the previous articles on Happier Relationships and what I have learnt over time I understand the importance of this to our happiness, well being and mental health. I have also been through the turbulence of insecurities and validation issues.
So, a request dear friend and reader
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
IMAGINE IF IT HAD BEEN A CRY FOR HELP!. The clues where there “Ups & Downs”, “Craving Connection”, “Mental Health”, “Happier Relationships”, “Turbulence”, “Insecurities” . I was asking for connection, I was asking for you to email me and let me know (1) you exist and (2) that I exist. I had one email come through on the request put at beginning and end of article. Thank you my friend (to be fair I have had some other messages and conversations with others also).
Imagine if I was not in good Mental Health and maybe even Suicidal what could have happened if that one email did not come through? I know from website statistics that more than one person had read the article. The picture on the article of me sitting on a chair , on a cliff edge looking out and contemplating could have turned into standing up and taking a few steps to the cliff edge and then a few more steps…
HOW ARE YOU?
Thank you for asking…For the record I am currently I am not having any suicidal thoughts. I am in good mental health, happy, feel very connected, grateful, purposeful, and making a difference. Feeling awesome. Living my purpose and mission statement.
“I continuously contribute, learn, grow and make a positive difference to all in my environment adding tremendous value.
I am a caring, loving, supportive family member and friend.
I act with integrity, truthfulness and do the right thing.
I use my time effectively, am a creator of wealth, value and abundance. I achieve balance”
With the massive changes we are currently facing of Social Isolation, Social Distancing, Lock down etc. and this likely to continue for many months it is going to have an impact on peoples mental health, sense of connection and people are going to feel lonely, hopeless and suicidal. This article is here to serve. For you to tap into you spider senses and keep aware of that tingling feeling, to raise the awareness to watch out for your emotions as well as those of others. More so that ever we need to actively reach out, check in and keep connected and help others to also do so. If you are feeling loneliness - there is help available see resources at the end.
Here are some quotes from Happier Relationships article and workshop as well as some new ones that are worth reflecting on:
What I have been doing to remain connected… I have…
had individual planned and unplanned catch ups with friends and family - some lovely individual conversations
been involved in online communities that I was physically part of - great sharing and insights
reached out to many of my clients and contacts with a short message to check they are ok and letting them know I am here
been running Happiness Booster Sessions - really enjoying these and feel I am making a difference, see events page for future ones or get in touch :)
been building a Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
been taking part in 21 Day challenge and feeling connected to people from around the world. We had our first Zoom call recently with attendees from UK, India, USA and Hungary all sharing similar feelings with their respective lock down and situation
using video call more often to contact people
keeping mindful of my emotions, thoughts and actions
keeping my happy life habit practices in place including gratitude and mindfulness
when going for our daily walk smiling and waving to strangers
I’ve applied to be a NHS Volunteer to do role of check in and chat. We can all do that.
Let me know what is helping you stay connected
RESOURCES
A request dear friend and reader.
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) While doing (1) if you would be interested in free 30 min video conference calls for Happiness Boosters - connection and sharing, during these times let me know if morning, afternoon or evening preference and weekday and/or weekend. I will endeavour to serve.
(4) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page
Happy Life Habits WhatsApp Group
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
THE UPS & DOWNS OF A HAPPINESS COACH: CRAVING CONNECTION
As an experiment, for my own happiness and a way to serve I am going to chronicle as a diary some of my thoughts (ups and downs) and actions during this pandemic. Things that I am doing and finding beneficial to my all round happiness and well being many based on the themes shared in Together in Isolation .
The CounsellingTeacher.com Clipart Stephens Art
As an experiment, for my own happiness and a way to serve I am going to chronicle as a diary some of my thoughts (ups and downs) and actions during this pandemic. Things that I am doing and finding beneficial to my all round happiness and well being many based on the themes shared in Together in Isolation .
During this pandemic I have been craving for connection both people to people and grateful for the technology connections, I guess with the previous articles on Happier Relationships and what I have learnt over time I understand the importance of this to our happiness, well being and mental health. I have also been through the turbulence of insecurities and validation issues.
So, a request dear friend and reader
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) While doing (1) if you would be interested in free 30 min video conference calls for Happiness Boosters - connection and sharing, during these times let me know if morning, afternoon or evening preference and weekday and/or weekend. I will endeavour to serve.
(4) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
More will become clear as you read the rest of the article.
Week Commencing 16 March 2020
We are in the early stages of the pandemic and lots of fear and confusion is prevalent. Many things getting postponed, cancelled or closed - life is changing day by day. During the start of that week I was focused on the task of writing the Together in Isolation article to capture some for the sentiments and share how I and others are coping with it. What is helping us find certainty in uncertain times. For 2.5 days I was fully engrossed and in a flow state with this task being creative, resourceful, reflective and connecting with my communities. I thoroughly enjoyed it and felt I had produced a good quality, useful article especially as I am one of the most optimistic, positive and happy person I know and if I was feeling fear, uncertainty and unhappy during these times others must also be. During which I got the idea to have some online sessions to connect and share ideas. As is my nature, I wanted to share far and wide ,so I posted in WhatsApp groups, Facebook and LinkedIn.
I got some feedback from some people that they found the article useful. However seeing other articles/videos/posts being widely shared on the various mediums and mine not so much I felt it was not valued so much, including articles I had written previously which I felt were rich in content.
This compounded with seeing messages over time of peers getting various speaking slots, book launches or acknowledgement was having a knock on my self esteem.
Add to this where I set up 3 free online sessions on The International Day of Happiness (20 March) to have happiness boosters, connect, share content and conversation hoping to positively impact as many as possible and having 1 or 2 people only join each call made me wonder if what I am doing has any value. If I can’t give it away for free how am I going to make a living out of it later on?
I was grateful for the people who did take the opportunity and join the call. Some were friends and family, one was a complete stranger. Even if it was one person, I had a lovely time connecting with them, each sharing responses to a few questions and getting a better insight on life. I felt connected, I learnt and developed skills and felt I was able to positively impact Happiness and Well Being Levels. I felt energised and uplifted after the sessions. While helping others I was helping myself. This gave me validation that there is value in what I am doing. I am fulfilling Happy Life Habits mission of Positively Impacting Happiness & Well Being Levels and I am living my personal mission statement. Using the graphic of what I can control and what I can not control has reminded me to focus on what I do, keep improving and adding value. Not to get distracted by what others think or what others are doing.
Hence I intend to offer more such sessions - I don’t know the timing or frequency therefore the request at the start of the article. For now I will share details on website and Happy Life Habits WhatsApp Group.
What I’m doing
I am keeping a focus on what I can control - the image for this article being related to the Covey 7 Habits of Highly Effective People .
I am observing my thoughts, feelings and actions.
I am rebuilding and installing new routines and behaviours
I am reducing the noise and distractions
I am staying connected
I am keeping a flexible structure
I am prudent with how I am using my time
I am learning , growing and serving
I am applying the 7 Habits as well as other learning from Personal Development, The Science of Happiness and Spirituality
With our whole household now at home or working from home we need to actively build new routines, plans and be organised.
What is helping me is
Continuing my happiness practice of using my Happiness Journal each day and every day
Regularly meditating or being mindful
Going for walks during the day to get some fresh air, exercise and activity
Making sure we have some fresh foods (fruit and veg in the diet) along with good hydration
Making plans, to do lists, shopping lists and potential menus
I am not watching or following news actively - a little in the morning and then the UK Government Boris Johnson 5 pm live conference
I am keeping my phone on silent for much of day, have many notifications switched off and not looking at everything I receive on WhatsApp or email. Each day clearing out the messages.
From 21 Day Simple Living Challenge, a challenge early on was to tackle your inbox. Across my various email accounts I filed some useful emails and then mass selected, some of which had been parked for 3 years or more to be read and just zapped them. It felt good and had inboxes that I could see on the screen without scrolling! I need to redo that exercise again after receiving Covid 19 emails from all accounts where I am subscribed.
I am finding great benefit in taking part in 21 day challenge that I hosted on Simply Living. Some wonderful ideas and shared insights. The challenge was from start of March as pandemic unfolded in Europe to 21st March. It helped me focus on things I could do, positivity, gave a routine and via the platform website reading and commenting others insights made me feel connected
Due to the benefit I have gained from the 21 day Challenge I have set up more challenged back to back on Reverence, Kindness, Mindfulness and Gratitude to see me though the next few months of the pandemic.
KarunaVirus reponding with compassion is an initiative by ServiceSpace the same organisation behind the 21 Day Challenge Project. This website is a collection of positivity and compassion shown during the pandemic from around the world.
I am reducing my time on Facebook and LinkedIn - they are useful but easier to get stuck in noise and lose time
In terms of connection the online video conference is what I am finding works for me best. As mentioned in Together in Isolation
“The communities that I am a part of; being for me a source of faith, learning, growth, health, service and social activity were all stopping events and activity - badminton clubs, youth clubs, Jain Faith School, Jain Faith Convention, meditation circles, etc. This was impacting my sense of connection, community, clarity and meaning.”
The Jain School, Shree Chadana Vidhya Peeth (SCVP) started zoom video online adults classes so we took part in that.
The Museum of Happiness have online sessions.
The Awakin meditation circles I enjoy are now a online offering.
For Young Jains we discussed at the weekend and developed a set of sessions called “Enriching Conversations” : Online conversations by Young Jains, to help stay connected, share insights and remain centred. The first theme being “Finding Calm in the Chaos”.
Over the weekend we set up some video conference calls with some from my side of the family and a separate one with my wife’s. These were incredibly beneficial to see, talk with and share with family from all around the UK as well as outside of UK. We shared the impact the pandemic was having on us, what we were doing and what we found useful. It also was so beautiful to have the elder generation (self isolating - vulnerable, high risk) able to take part. I found this to be very nourishing and grateful that technology is available to allow this.
Based on all these experiences and my craving to connect as mentioned at the start I am going to hold Happy Life Habit Booster sessions. Just get in touch if interested.
I am continuing to find opportunities to learn and grow. The above are some as well as choosing some online training to partake in as well as reading (which was part of my routine prior to pandemic anyway). I have just finished the awesome 933 page Shantaram which I started at the start of the month after having been lent the book 4 years or so ago.
Until the next instalment of “The Ups & Downs of a Happy Coach”, stay safe, stay connected, be happy, help others, wash your hand and follow the guidelines.
A request dear friend and reader.
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) While doing (1) if you would be interested in free 30 min video conference calls for Happiness Boosters - connection and sharing, during these times let me know if morning, afternoon or evening preference and weekday and/or weekend. I will endeavour to serve.
(4) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page
Happy Life Habits WhatsApp Group
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
“SUCCESS IS THE PROGRESSIVE REALISATION OF A WORTHY GOAL OR IDEAL”
TOGETHER IN ISOLATION
Together in Isolation
Finding Certainty in Uncertain Times :
Living during Coronavirus pandemic
Dedicated to every beings happiness on the UNs International Day of Happiness March 20th.
Shaileen Shah - Happiness Coach - Happy Life Habits
I started this blog article as a refreshing relish from the recent weeks of brain fog clouded by confusion, worry, uncertainty, anxiety, fear, helplessness and distraction. Anyone else felt the same?
Finding Certainty in Uncertain Times :
Living during Coronavirus pandemic
Dedicated to every being’s happiness for the UNs International Day of Happiness March 20th.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”
Together in Isolation - I replaced with We - illness becomes Wellness
“In the future the history that will be written & remembered will be about how we thought, spoke & acted in the present through this crisis.”
Next bit
Wow what a fabulous title, image quote, opening to this article - if I say so myself. The opening quote is not mine but from Charles Dickens in the opening of a Tale of Two Cities - captures the present moment well. Likewise the Viktor Frankl quote happened to be the one in my Happiness Journal as I started this blog. The title is borne fruit from creative, inspired and motivated moments that I have recently had (quite humbly proud so I am going to savour it and affirm the positive, in fact I’ll share a clever quote that I came up with - though could be a paraphrase of someone else’s!). I started this blog article as a refreshing relish from the recent weeks of brain fog clouded by confusion, worry, uncertainty, anxiety, fear, helplessness and distraction. Anyone else felt the same?
I am worried about:
my elderly parents who have underlying health conditions so are high risk to the virus
my son due to sit his GCSEs in a few months
my finances
my developing happiness business
my own, my families and friends health
our communities, our nation, our world
our future
Quite surreal the times we are living in. Impacting everything and I mean everything. Stockmarkets imploding on a daily basis - savaging our investments, pensions and futures, country by country, nation by nation, community by community, person by person filling with uncertainty and forced changed - that we can do nothing about. The news being only on one topic, people going into Chicken Little mode “the sky is falling, the sky is falling”, rumours, conspiracy theories and misinformation perpetuating the fear and stock piling. On a daily basis and sometimes hourly radical changes occurring. Industries, nations, leaders brought to their knees. How do we cope? How do we survive?
“The Universal Constant is Change”
The communities that I am a part of; being for me a source of faith, learning, growth, health, service and social activity were all stopping events and activity - badminton clubs, youth clubs, Jain Faith School, Jain Faith Convention, meditation circles, etc. This was impacting my sense of connection, community, clarity and meaning.
I’m a Happiness Coach, trained in Science of Happiness, Personal Development and Spirituality and during this period of worry, zombie mode, lack of direction & action, helplessness as things unfolded impacting everything, I struggled. The nudge from my wise wife and a couple of conversations with a few people led to this action. Change the focus from doom and gloom to positivity, kindness and happiness - tap into what you know that helps and tap into others. I reached out to my communities via various means to ask how they were dealing and coping. The response and contributions were fabulous : quotes, actions, tips, meditations, poetry, humour, special voice recorded message. Around the same time I got some emails/newsletters with wonderful content. Funny how the Universe delivers what we focus on and how the Law of Attraction works. All the contributions are gems that can positively impact and uplift. I personally got direction, connection, insights, energy and inspiration. Thankful for it all.
I am currently hosting a 21 Day Simple Living Challenge that on day 16 when I started this article had the theme: Day 16: Practice Single-tasking - so using that I have focused onto research and content for this article.
Together in Isolation - has a few meanings, it means if we do have to go into isolation or social distancing we are not alone, we are in this together, it is a shared humanity. The forced changes break our existing routines, reality and isolation can lead to a sense of disconnection, loneliness and depression. See the previous 2 articles on Happier Relationships. By being selfish, self centred we will not get through this. Every human (and other living beings also) is being impacted.
“The coronavirus is apolitical. It doesn’t discriminate on the basis of race, gender, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. There is an opportunity here to transcend the individualism that has led to an atomized and polarized society. In our collective hands, we have tremendous power to stop the spread of this pathogen and forge a new story of connection instead of separation.
If we can get through this together, it may bring us together.
Mantra: Stay Centred, Follow the Science, Don’t succumb to Fear, Spread Information not the Virus
”
This quote is from an informative, sensible action packed podcast is really worth listening to. I love the Mantra: Stay Centred, Follow the Science, Don't succumb to Fear, Spread Information not the Virus. Here is the link Coronavirus and Our Common Humanity Commune with Jeff Krasno
The Universe, Mother Nature, Earth the greatest innovator and disrupter has decided that humanity as a collective needed a moment to standstill, break the pattern, take stock (not stock pile!), reflect on what matters, be present and mindful, escape from the every day business and take a look around and be reminded of the higher power - the power of love, kindness, compassion and peace.
I remember Wayne Dyer sharing an example of squeezing (not sneezing!) an orange and asking what will come out? Will it be apple juice? No. Grapefruit juice? No. Orange Juice? Yes. Why? Because that is what is inside. The Universe from time to time will test us and squeeze. What will come out? Whatever is on the inside will come out. If inside is selfish, self centred, greedy, inconsiderate, angry, fearful then that is what will be expressed. If inside is love, peace, kindness, gratitude, happiness, certainty then that is what will show up. We are currently being squeezed. We see this with the stories of people going nuts and stockpiling out of fear and selfishness, being xenophobic and spreading misinformation. I read a story of a many who picked up the last packet of pasta in a store when he already had plenty more packets and an elderly lady requesting if she could have it as she had none and him saying no. Or the photos of people who stockpiled items that will last well into next year. These stories play heavy on the heart and bring a dark cloud in the mind. Fortunately I am reading and hearing more positives such as the Sikh person who helps feed the homeless extending to give cleaning materials, maps of public washrooms and information on how to wash hands, or the Italians singing as a community in the evening while in lock down, or the coordinated clapping by Spanish for the gratitude to the front line health care professionals dealing with this crisis. This BBC link shares kindness stories including the creative idea of a postcard for options to help for those self isolating.
Received via WhatsApp - Transport for London Quote
I am currently reading the incredible, gripping book Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. It is a 933 page novel biography peppered with wonderful ideas. This is the perfect book to read if self isolating. One question in it is: What is an objective, universally acceptable definition of good and evil?
“What is an objective, universally acceptable definition of good and evil?
„In order to know about any act or intention or consequence, we must first ask two questions. One, what would happen if everyone did this thing? Two, would this help or hinder the movement toward complexity?” – Khaderbhai
(Complexity meaning God)
What I found more relevant in everyday life: there are no good or bad people. There are only “good deeds” and “bad deeds” and the sum of those deeds – the actions we perform – are what make us into someone good or bad”
I love the answer “What would happens if everyone did this?”. What would happen if everyone stockpiled? What would happen if everyone passed on the mis-information and fear? What would happen if everyone followed the guidelines on hand washing? What would happen if everyone looked out for and helped each other? Food for thought - stock pile that!
Together in Isolation
Finding Certainty in Uncertain Times :
Living during Coronavirus pandemic
Dedicated to every beings happiness on the UNs International Day of Happiness March 20th.
Shaileen Shah - Happiness Coach - Happy Life Habits
I reached out to my communities to ask what tips, practices, ways where they dealing with and coping with the pandemic. These are ordinary people like you and me - Humans. They are also extraordinary as you will see when you read, contemplate or hear their contributions. They are from a mix of faiths, nations, ages, genders, experiences, vocations including retired, pharmacists, dentists, finance/investment people, change makers, consultants, coaches, facilitators, trainers, teachers, volunteers, accountants, journalists, technologists, yoga teachers, healers, carers and home makers. I have compiled some of the overall themes that have been shared as well as my own thoughts and then some of the detailed sharing all of which help finding certainty in uncertain times. They all relate to the 4 human dimensions of Physical, Mental, Social/Emotion and Spiritual (see previous articles) and some are the basics we all know we should do.
CONTROL THE CONTROLLABLES
Focus on the things that you can control - all of the below suggestions
Control your energy; focus on higher energies
Finances - review income and expenses (see note later)
Remember the Serenity Prayer
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.”
ROUTINE
Our routines, plans and structures are likely to have been disrupted. Creatively develop empowering happy life habits that supplement new ways to do old things or replace old routines
Replace the routines of checking email, watching the news, refreshing the news or stock market webpages, social media, whatsapp messages etc every 5 mins. Switch off notifications and schedule and limit time when you will do these activities
Plan , organise and also be like a yoga teacher in your approach - be flexible
Do not forward everything you receive about the virus. Except of course awesome articles/ emails like this one.
Join the 21 Day Challenge
HEALTH
Eat sensibly - fresh fruit/veg
Hydrate well
Sleep well - get adequate rest and sleep to rejuvenate
Avoid toxins
Keep exercising
Keep breathing deeply
Keep washing hands as per advice
CONNECTION
Find ways to stay connected, in touch as alternative to the physical face to face. Use technology - Facetime, video conferencing, messaging apps, phone call, email (do remember the schedule/limit time aspect)
Really deeply listen
MINDFULNESS & PRESENT MOMENT
Be aware of your feelings, emotions, thoughts - don’t dwell on the dis-empowering, low energy ones - feel, observe, acknowledge and choose to change to more empowering high energy ones
Be present
LEARNING
Adapt, grow, develop, experiment and learn
Follow the science, be informed
Take opportunity to learn a new skill, revive and old one
Watch videos (TED etc), listen to podcasts, join courses, read books, enjoy poetry
REFLECTION, GRATITUDE AND JOURNALLING
Reflect
Practice gratitude - like make of the other practices mentioned it helps well being and resilience
Do some journalling - great to express, capture and learn from
KINDNESS
Be kind
Do kind, thoughtful acts
Be kind to yourself, be kind to your nearest and dearest, be kind to others
Viruses are contagious; so is panic, fear, hysteria; love, kindness, joy; choose wisely
NATURE
Spend time in nature - walk in park, down the road, garden
Get some fresh air and sunshine
See some greenery, hear some birds singing
Look at the sly, clouds, stars, moon
Observe the changing of the seasons
SPIRITUALITY & FAITH
Dive deeper into your spirituality or faith
Sing songs, Bhakti & Jaap (devotional songs)
Recite Prayers, Mantras and contemplate the meaning
Meditate
Keep Faith
Help and Serve others
Stay aware
HUMOUR & FEEL GOOD
Smile - it increases your face value!
This poem was chosen and read out by a young student at the last Jain School assembly we had before the school classes were cancelled due to the Virus. Some attribute it to Spike Milligan and some to Jez Alborough. Either way it is a lovely poem.
Smiling is infectious
You can catch it like the flu
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too
I walked around the corner
And someone saw me grin
When he smiled I realised
I had passed it on to him
I thought about the smile
And then realised its worth
A single smile like mine
Could travel round the earth
So if you feel a smile begin
Don’t leave it undetected
Start an epidemic
And get the world infected.
Read a good book, listen to your favourite music, watch your favourite film
Practice Laughter Yoga
Share a joke such as this one that I saw on Facebook …
They drove us mad with Corona...
We have become crazy.
I went to the bathroom at a restaurant.
I washed my hands, opened the door with my elbow,
I raised the toilet seat with my foot,
I switched on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbowand when I returned to my table I realized....
I forgot to pull up my pants!!!
“Stay centred, be compassionate, be in touch with people around you”
My friend Vicky Johnson, Co-Founder of The Museum of Happiness has recorded these thoughts and advice especially for this article. Really a great recording of some science and practical tools to use. It covers surfing the waves, no mud no lotus, 3 systems - Drive, Threat and Soothe - really useful, Energy management, self care and a gem (pun intended) of an idea about diamonds. Vicky hosts a weekly Facebook live on Happiness and Self Care.
Summarised tips contributed by volunteer teachers from Shree Chandana Vidhya Peeth Jain School (SCVP):
Prayers : Navkar Mantra, Uvaasagaharam (Healing Prayer)
Singing/Chanting: Stavans, Bhakti, Mantras
Help Others
Positivity
Pranayam - Breathing
Acceptance
Keep Calm
Read and follow the evidence based information
Do not stockpile
Thanks to contributions from our SCVP volunteer teachers : Rita Shah, Sandip Shah, Ketan Varia, Tejas Udani, Rajeev Shah, Manjri Shah, Rasila Shah, Sonal Dadia, Vaishali Mehta, Hina Vora and Kajal Sheth
“Three Thoughts for these times
*Universal Friendship • Truth • Inner Peace*
*Universal Friendship*
Awareness of the timeless idea that all living beings are equal to us and capable of the same spiritual heights generates the attitude of universal friendship. This compels us to care for all, to be considerate, to avoid selfish behaviour. As we live through these times, let’s ground ourselves in this ideal, knows as Maitri, Miti, or Metta. Let’s serve the vulnerable in our communities. Let’s be considerate when shopping. Let’s be loving and kind despite any fear or pain, wishing that all are well, happy and wise, in these times and at alk times.
*Truth*
Truth must be kind, otherwise it fails a deeper test. Today we are seeking to blame and judge. We lazily let our prejudices rise up and unwillingly spread hate, such as language which blames the Chinese or the Meat eaters. If there is an action to blame, let us become awake and aware, but let’s also practice kindness and hygiene in our thoughts and words. Many are using the opportunity to speak of the superiority of Hindu, Jain or Vegan lifestyles. Let’s celebrate the nobility, yes, but let’s keep away the unkindness, superiority, judgement and othering of souls who are on journeys just as we are.
Truth must also be discriminating and judicious. With modern social media, we are often sharing hoaxes or untested ideas about the Corona Virus, Covid 19. We are also unwittingly sharing unkind messages of judgement and othering. How can we separate and divide ourselves from souls just like us?
*Inner Peace*
Within us, innately, we are peace, bliss and love. Let’s connect within so we can face the challenges of today with fortitude, equanimity, truth and universal friendship. Self-care is also very important. Our daily spiritual practice will ensure we remain maintain inner balance, and manifest virtues grounded in deep truths which ensure we live in harmony with all other souls.
”
“I wasn’t planning on sending this email.
In fact, I wasn’t planning on writing anything about the coronavirus. The truth is, I am finding it hard to focus on anything in this present moment.
The uncertainty has me unsettled.
The present is constantly overshadowed by thoughts of the future. What if my friends or family get the virus? What if our city goes into full lockdown mode? How is the world going to recover?
Feeling overwhelmed, I turned to my journal and reflected on past moments of uncertainty.
I started making a list of things to remember, things that could ground me, bring perspective and return me to the present.
I wanted to send these to you in an email in case there is something in here that resonates with you — but also because I’d love to hear how you are coping.
Here are a few items from the list:
Meditation. Impermanence, or anicca as it is called in the Buddhist tradition, is the idea that things are constantly changing. And that we can observe that change without becoming consumed by it. A core concept behind Vipassana meditation and mindfulness is to experience the feeling of anicca in your own body by becoming aware of your bodily sensations without reacting to them with desire or aversion. Practicing this during meditation helps prepare us so that when we are met with unexpected sensations or experiences in our everyday lives, we are better prepared to experience them with a healthy level of perspective and equanimity. I have been returning to meditation regularly these past few weeks to help recenter me.
Practice gratitude. This may sound counter-intuitive when it seems like there’s more to be scared, angry or anxious about. But I come back to these words from Brother David Steindl-Rast: “I didn’t say we can be grateful for everything. I said we can be grateful in every given moment…” It is not that we need to be grateful for the virus or the school closings or the delayed travel plans. But every single moment has something that we can give thanks for, if we open ourselves up to it. Our breath — which reminds us that we have the opportunity to be here and be present — is a perfect example.
Journaling. Just writing things down does wonders to help me sort through and get to the bottom of how I am actually feeling. This email is a perfect example. It started with a rant answering the seemingly simple question I am prompted with every time I open my journaling app: “Hey Dave, how are you feeling today?” Getting these thoughts out of my head and onto the page is a way of acknowledging the thoughts that are racing around my head. And as I acknowledge the thoughts, I notice that they begin to quiet.
Support each other. In difficult times, it’s easy to think we are alone, especially with the currently prescribed “social distancing”. Reach out to those you care about — but instead of just trading fears and anxieties, try bringing a positive element to the conversation. Let your loved ones know you are thinking about them and tell them something you appreciate about them. Spreading the love is a great way to feel the love. Support others and you will feel supported.
”
“Finances
People are worried about their finances - especially because they may be forced to take unpaid leave, go into voluntary isolation, quarantine. People’s financial position varies significantly. Everyone has been impacted financially, whether this is your pension value reduced by 20 - 30%, income reduced, etc. There is no one size fits all approach but any number of the following steps may help you towards staving off anxiety:
(1) Work out monthly expenditure and identify areas where you can reduce your expenses.
(2) Look at your savings so you can plan for expenditure if income is compromised
(3) If you have credit card debt, contact the lender to ask for a payment holiday with interest frozen
(4) If you need extra money in the short term ask your bank to increase your overdraft limit and reduce charges
(5) If you will struggle with your mortgage due to loss of income talk to your lender. The key thing is not to worry about things, reach out for support and advice. You are not alone.”
From friends linked on Face Book
Vikrant Jain: It shall pass
Or
It shall pass and Hopefully we as humanity n individual will come out stronger by end of itDeepa Shah: If you are 'having' downtime, reframe it as a positive!
So many things to replenish, rejuvenate and restore your body, mind and spirit:
1. Read inspiring and uplifting books, articles or listen to podcasts.
2. Practicing relaxation either tapping, guided relaxation or meditation.
3. Practice some yogasana slowly with breath awareness and pranayama.Beejal Coulson: It’s important to have neutrality in the mind and generate peace rather than attempt to generate a positive mind in uncertain times. The practice of meditation is vital in these challenging times. Self care is vital. Where your attention goes is where your energy and focus goes so be mindful where you place your attention.
Kevin Gosling:
1 Don't panic and remain reasoned and sensible
2 Enjoy life to the full as don't know what tomorrow will bring
3 Family , friends and loved ones should always come firstTamzin Doggart: Even dark times are a possibility. Someone else has just posted: Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Nilesh Tarpo Shah: Be positive for negativity is all taken
Minal Shah: I am self isolating.
So already had some time to do things I never get round to doing... Although limited somewhat by symptoms.
Wash hands with alertness, paying attention to how you do it rather than a regular ritual.
You can still go for a walk as long as you don't make contact with others to get fresh air, exercise and to keep calm and carry on.
Be thankful for each opportunity.Jyoti Mehta: Keep a routine of sorts. Still set your alarm clock for a certain time. And go for a walk!
Bindi Shah: Remain in equanimity
“Cultivating an Inner Resource - Meditation
Creating a safe space within you where you feel a sense of ease, well-being, resiliency, wholeness, balance, peace, groundedness…
It’s a felt sense within your body that may be evoked by a memory of a person, place or thing or something that you have imagined or a visualisation. Maybe a place in nature, a sacred object, sounds, activities etc. It doesn’t matter what it is, just choose something that brings you a sense of peace, security and well-being.
As you form your Inner Resource, reflect on people, animals, objects and phrases that help you embed and recall in your mind your Inner Resource. Conjure up sounds, taste, smells and other qualities that help you to access your inner resource.
Take time to embody your Inner Resource throughout the day. It builds your capacity to welcome every experience as a flow of changing movements within your unchanging Being. It enables you to experience a sense of well-being no matter your circumstance.
”
“1. Be mindful of all your feelings – I think it is important not to suppress or deny your feelings, and its equally important to remember that feelings aren’t facts. Make friends with your feelings and then decide which ones to act on and how you want to act on them
2. Keep a sense of humour – there is always lots to laugh about, and finding the comedic in what is going on is often one of the most powerful ways to lift your spirits and actually stay well. Laughter can be the best medicine
3. Stay in the here and now – right now you are probably fine and most likely will be. Simply deal with what is in front of you in this moment and try not to be too anxious for the future that may not happen
4. Follow the practical advice – don’t take unnecessary risks and also recognise reality of the limits to your ability to protect yourself. Accept that there are many things you simply cannot control”
“1) you can reduce the risk, you can’t remove it
2) you being in fear will help no one because you will make bad, irrational decisions from your fear
3) look after yourself, look after others, keep your compassion and humanity”
“ Anitya (everything other than the soul is temporary)
and asuchi ( the body is a host to many diseases, etc)
and maitri (universal friendship towards the virus as it is also a soul, just like us)
Contemplations on bhavnas (reflections on reality)”
“How to reduce fear, anxiety and paranoia over the CV
There are two simple things I’d like to share.
1. Fear weakens the immune system
2. Love and happiness boosts it.
So how can you find your way from Fear to Love?
And find your way back to feeling balanced and calm.
One of the things that works well for me and my clients is to stimulate two acupressure points at the same time as taking deep calming breaths.
Take the first two fingers of one hand and press them firmly in between your eyebrows.
At the same time take the first two fingers of the other hand and press firmly in the middle of your chest.
And then breathe.
Take some deep calming breaths and feel yourself start to relax.
From this place of relaxation tune into your inner wisdom to make wise judgements from peace and calm and not from fear.
Feel into the truth of what is being said.
”
“Given I’ve chosen to self-isolate I am focusing on self-care practices:
Allow myself to sleep lots
Stay connected to good friends
Challenge myself neither to judge others behaviours nor fall into the herd mindset”
“ It is perfectly normal to feel anxious at this time. Try making inner space to allow the feeling to come and and go, with as much love and compassion and acceptance you can. And holding that feeling, focus on taking meaningful action that can support you and others at this time. Compassion for all, including yourself, is very much called for at this time. We are all in this together.”
“It has been an interesting to observe the processing of this inner landscape over these past couple of weeks . Feelings of helplessness, fear, perplexity, anxiousness and more. Most interesting has been how these emotions arrive and pass. For many years now, I stopped reading /listening to news.. in any format... whatever needs to get known will come my way, was the philosophy. Naturally, the enormity of these changing tunes has drawn me, almost involuntarily , into the news stream, and i have quickly realised the inward psychological effect this was having. One can certainly not live in ignorance during these times, but I’m trying hard, to limit reading every message, article, story. Instead, am Being selective in what I absorb and reading the main news on BBC/Sky at the beginning and evening of every day. This has enormously been supportive in maintaining a balanced calm response to all that is unfolding.
Staying positive isn’t easy, yet, I’ve found the numerous stories of love and kindness taking place across the globe has been deeply reassuring and healing. It restores the faith in humanity and that we are whole as one. Of course, on a day to day practical level when we see people hoarding and accumulating for their own greed, I need to dig deep and let go of judgement , instead keep my heart open to hold compassion for their fear of scarcity. My responsibility remains in taking full responsibility for my own actions.
This leads on to the other practice, of actively praying and seeking forgiveness from Mother Earth, for myself and on behalf of others, for failing to respect everything she’s offered. The biggest learning has been how this is a powerful reminder for us as humans to be humble and to hold humility. For us to remember we are one and are not superior to each other or as a species. Ultimately I see this Pandemic as Nature’s way to remind us of this and bring rebalance.”
Trishna Shah a friend who is a Service Space volunteer and hosts Awakin Circles in London has shared a few poems that she has received that have been penned during this pandemic.
Lockdown
Yes there is fear.
Yes there is isolation.
Yes there is panic buying.
Yes there is sickness.
Yes there is even death.
But,
They say that in Wuhan after so many years of noise
You can hear the birds again.
They say that after just a few weeks of quiet
The sky is no longer thick with fumes
But blue and grey and clear.
They say that in the streets of Assisi
People are singing to each other
across the empty squares,
keeping their windows open
so that those who are alone
may hear the sounds of family around them.
They say that a hotel in the West of Ireland
Is offering free meals and delivery to the housebound.
Today a young woman I know
is busy spreading fliers with her number
through the neighbourhood
So that the elders may have someone to call on.
Today Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and Temples
are preparing to welcome
and shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary
All over the world people are slowing down and reflecting
All over the world people are looking at their neighbours in a new way
All over the world people are waking up to a new reality
To how big we really are.
To how little control we really have.
To what really matters.
To Love.
So we pray and we remember that
Yes there is fear.
But there does not have to be hate.
Yes there is isolation.
But there does not have to be loneliness.
Yes there is panic buying.
But there does not have to be meanness.
Yes there is sickness.
But there does not have to be disease of the soul
Yes there is even death.
But there can always be a rebirth of love.
Wake to the choices you make as to how to live now.
Today, breathe.
Listen, behind the factory noises of your panic
The birds are singing again
The sky is clearing,
Spring is coming,
And we are always encompassed by Love.
Open the windows of your soul
And though you may not be able
to touch across the empty square,
Sing.
— Fr. Richard Hendrick, OFM
March 13th 2020”
Pandemic
What if you thought of it
as the Jews consider the Sabbath—
the most sacred of times?
Cease from travel.
Cease from buying and selling.
Give up, just for now,
on trying to make the world
different than it is.
Sing. Pray. Touch only those
to whom you commit your life.
Center down.
And when your body has become still,
reach out with your heart.
Know that we are connected
in ways that are terrifying and beautiful.
(You could hardly deny it now.)
Know that our lives
are in one another’s hands.
(Surely, that has come clear.)
Do not reach out your hands.
Reach out your heart.
Reach out your words.
Reach out all the tendrils
of compassion that move, invisibly,
where we cannot touch.
Promise this world your love--
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
so long as we all shall live."
--Lynn Ungar
Together in Isolation
Finding Certainty in Uncertain Times :
Living during Coronavirus pandemic
Dedicated to every beings happiness on the UNs International Day of Happiness March 20th.
Shaileen Shah - Happiness Coach - Happy Life Habits
Received over social media
In conclusion I hope this collection of thoughts, insights, ideas, meditations, poems, audio, quotes, sharings, actions, tips, habits, reflections that have graciously contributed to give an feeling of Togetherness in Isolation, help you find certainty in uncertain times. I have enjoyed the 2.5 full on days it has taken to collect, compile and structure this article. It has helped me focus, stay inspired and motivated. I have learnt new things, enjoyed feeling connected and have the certainty that we are in this together.
Any positive comments please share immediately, any negative please wait till after pandemic - got enough to deal with at the moment.
Have a Happy UN International Day of Happiness on March 20th.
I am grateful to all the people from my communities who responded to my request of tips on how they are dealing with the pandemic. Many contributions have been included in the article but I have not included all. In no particular order my thanks go out to :
Harshna Shah, Rita Shah, Sandip Shah, Ketan Varia, Tejas Udani, Rajeev Shah, Manjri Shah, Rasila Shah, Sonal Dadia, Vaishali Mehta, Hina Vora, Kajal Sheth, Jigna Deepesh Shah, Priti Shah, Seetal Popat, Vikrant Jain, Deepa Shah, Ravi Khanna, Beejal Coulson, Kevin Gosling, Tamzin Doggart, Nilesh Tarpo Shah, Minal Shah, Jyoti Mehta, Bindi Shah, Vishal Shah, Devi Savla, Sanjay Shah, Priya Ramesh Shah, Sidharth Shah, Niraj Shah, Mita Shah, Trishna Shah, Vicky Johnson, Shamash Alidina, Jane Jackson, Ashik Shah, Ani Devlia, Jeff Krasno, Dave Radparvar.
Apologies if I have missed anyone - it happens - I’m human ( well actual a spiritual being having a human experience).
I am holding free virtual group happiness coaching circles during the pandemic where we focus on happy practices like ones mentioned in this article and also include some of the contributors.. If interested get in touch. See also https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/events-and-workshops
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Resources
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page
Happy Life Habits WhatsApp Group
Coronavirus and Our Common Humanity Commune with Jeff Krasno
BBC Coronavirus: How to protect your mental health
Action for Happiness: Covid 19 how to respond
Vicky Johnson Museum of Happiness Weekly Happiness and Self care Facebook Live
Instagram on CoronaVirus Niraj Shah - co-founder Mind: Unlocked
Shamash Alidina, Co-Founder of The Museum Of Happiness and Mindfulness Teacher
Nick Wiiliams offering thought leader on Inspired Leadership and author of 18 books
Jane Jackson, Soul Coach and Emotional Healer
Sanjay Shah, Emotional Intelligence Speaker, Coach, Trainer
Mita Shah, Yoga teacher and Awakin Circle Host
Beejal Shah, Rapid Transformation Therapist and Creator of Quantum Life Technique
Priti Shah, Regional Director LightSide Financial - Debt Solutions
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS PART2
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship Part 2 workshop that Happy Life Habits delivered on 28 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. It is a follow to Happier Relationships Part 1 which should be read and watched first.
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship Part 2 workshop that Happy Life Habits delivered on 28 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. It is a follow to Happier Relationships Part 1 which should be read and watched first.
Some of the questions/ideas raised in the workshop and answered in video were:
If we are always giving and making deposits in the Emotional Bank Account and there are people who take, take, take and do not reciprocate the giving of love, kindness, happiness etc. what do we do?
With the 5 Love Languages, can the one you have as dominant change?
If as the spiritual teachers say happiness is from within, what is the need of relationships?
Living from the head Vs living from the heart
If happiness is from within why do we need relationships?
A short recap covered : Brene Brown quote “Connection is what we are here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives”; relationships help our well being - longevity, resilience, feeling connected and less loneliness (See Robin Williams quote from Part 1). One of the happy chemicals released when in relationships is Oxytocin which fosters trust, bonding and connection. Some key ingredients for happier relationships being trust, values, communication and shared experiences. Take a moment to ponder on…
“The most important ingredient we put into any relationships is not what we say or what we do, but what we are”
This for me is about being at our core a person of trust, commitment, loyal, friendly, loving etc. Not just saying and acting those in that way .
The 3 most important types of relationship are:
Relationship with self (small s)'
Relationship with others
Relationship with Self (big S) - our Divinity, God , Guru, higher self
We can consider that the inner circle is the relationship with our Divinity, our spiritual relationship and that permeates to our self (with small s) and then to our relationship with everyone else. If we have a strong connection to our Divinity, have it in our awareness more often it will positively impact all our relationships.
To foster connection and closeness we can ask questions. There are 36 questions in 3 sets of 12 that have been come to know as the 36 questions for closeness.
A sample is below and here link to full 36 Questions
Sample of 36 Questions to foster connection and closeness
What’s in the box?
In part 1 I shared the video of The Nothing Box which shared some of the differences in men’s brains and women’s brains. A joke that I came across recently on Facebook post from Nithya Shanti that captures some aspects for a Happy Relationship and also has to do with a box.
There once was a couple that had been married for more that 50 years. They had lived happily together and shared everything. No secrets kept from each other. There was, however, one open secret that the women kept from the man.
The wife had a small chest hidden in the closet that she asked her husband to never open it and to never ask her about it. One day, the man told the woman that he really wanted to know what was in the box. She agreed that after so many years, this one secret should be finally shared, and she opened the box. Inside the man saw 3 small handmade dolls and a stack of money amounting to £30,000.
The women explained. “When we were about to be married, “ she said, “my mother advised me not to avoid fights if I wanted our marriage to be happy, for it is important to share our true feelings. However, she also advised me that if you ever make me angry about something, I should first keep quiet and make the doll, only fight after.”
Her husband was moved, Only 3 small dolls were in the chest. In all those years of living together, his wife had been angry with him only 3 times! “This is wonderful my love! That means that I have been a near perfect husband for 50 years and that we have excellent communication with each other. But tell me my love, where did all that money come from?”
“Oh” she said, “this money I make from selling the dolls!
The story highlights not to react in anger, to reflect , take time out (making the dolls) before choosing to respond. This nicely brings us to introduce the 5 Love Languages.
The 5 Love Languages are in my opinion similar to and a specific application of the learning modalities of VAK - Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic learning modalities. The VAK have been well documented as to each person having all 3 learning modalities but one being more dominant. Visual learners learn by seeing, they picture things in the head, they learn from watching videos, live demonstrations, presentations etc. Auditory learners use sound, voice, by listening and being told information and Kinaesthetic is to do with touch and feel. So for example to ride a bike - Visual learners would watch someone riding, watch videos and presentations. Auditory would learn from hearing about it, being given instructions or read something and say it in their hears which Kinaesthetic would be from touching a bike, turning the wheels and getting into the saddle and peddling. All are correct, we use all, we have a dominate modality and can learn to develop the others.
Similarly Dr Gary Chapman had identified and explained 5 Love Languages in a book of the same title. At the time of this writing I have not read the book. It has been mentioned while I was doing research for the workshop and I have read articles and seen interview videos with the author on it. Each love language is a way of expressing love. Again each person will have a dominant language.
The 5 Love Languages are:
Physical Touch - holding hands, hugs, pat on back, massage etc.
Receiving Gifts - being given gifts or presents
Acts of Service - putting out the rubbish, setting table, putting kids to sleep after partner has had a tough day, clearing frost from car in the morning etc.
Words of Affirmation - words that support, encourage, acknowledge and lift up. Not criticism or demeaning language.
Quality Time - dinner together, going for a walk, discussing what is important to us, how we are feeling etc.
When an act is done in our dominant language we feel loved. If our partner has a different dominant love language but we express using our dominant language then they may not feel loved. It’s like communicating in Spanish when the partner does not understand Spanish but understands Hindi. There is mismatch and less of a feeling or being loved or connected. What we need to do is be aware of our love language making our partner aware of that and at the same time be aware of their love language and make conscious effort to express using that. This is related to deposits in the Relational / Emotional Bank Account - they need to be in currency of recipient. We can deposit dollars when Euros are the recipients currency.
Looking at the 3rd type of relationship, the relationship with Divinity, our higher Self, God we are reminded of the Guru (Teacher) - Shiksha (Student) relationship and how this special relationship can help uncover Divinity. We see this in the relationships of Mahavir Bhagwan with Gautam Swami, Krishna with Arjun and Shams with Rumi. It is a relationship based on unconditional love. The book, The 40 Rules of Love shares how Rumi become Rumi with the help of Shams, how he moved from head/scholarly approach to one of the heart/Divinity. Shams shares with Rumi the 40 Rules of Love which have existed for a long time. These rules are about Divinity, God. I remember when I first read the book how it resonated with my understanding of my faith and spirituality. I share here 4 of the rules to give you a flavour. Take a moment to reflect on them.
The 40 Rules of Love : Source www.ScoopWhoop.com
“We seek it here, we seek it there, we look for love everywhere!
We expect it to come to us, usually through another person.
All our conditioning says it is something that happens to us. The mythology of our fables, legends and modern day entertainment industries say it is something we ‘fall into’.
And yet… and yet real love can not be acquired, possessed or accumulated. It can not be known where we think it comes from outside ourselves. The ultimate paradox is we are love.
We are love.
”
“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.”
Apply some of these ideas and nurture fulfilling, meaningful, loving and happier relationship with your self, everyone else and your higher Self.
Resources
The 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak I also sell this book so get in touch if you would like a copy
The 40 Rules of Love on ScoopWhoop
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The 5 Love Languages articles by FierceMarriage.com
The 36 Questions for closeness
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship workshops that Happy Life Habits delivered on 14 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. The follow on part 2 session is on 28th February 2020 at the same venue.
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship workshops that Happy Life Habits delivered on 14 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. The follow on part 2 session is on 28th February 2020 at the same venue.
Recording of Happier Relationships delivered on 14th February 2020 at SCVP Jain School.
Relationships are integral to our lives. The happier relationships we have, the more connected, happier and meaningful our lives are. Take a moment to answer these questions and do this activity:
Think of a current great relationship / friendship that you have.
Who is it with? Why is it great ? (List at least 3 things)
What are the ingredients for a happy relationship?
What causes relationships to strain?
Why are relationships important?
What are the 3 most important relationships?
Let’s take some of these questions and look at some answers.
What are the ingredients for a Happy Relationship? Here are some:
TRUST: One fundamental idea that gets mentioned when discussing this topic, is the idea of Trust. Be it a romantic relationship, a relationship between family members, friends, business, doctor and patient, or teacher and student, there needs to be a good level of trust for the relationship to be happy. When the trust is abused or gone, the relationship deteriorates. Sometimes the trust is given straight away and at other times it is earned but when it is gone, it is difficult to rebuild.
VALUES: Having some matching values is key. Not all values necessarily need to match or align in ranking but having core values match and similar ranking is a good foundation. A bit like the intersect of two circles representing values domain in a Venn diagram. Having some different values is what gives variety and opportunities for learning and growth. When values are not matching and aligned, it has resulted in the relationship failing - be it a married relationship or a business relationship.
THINK WIN-WIN: This is habit 4 from Stephen Covey’s - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It is not about compromise or feeling that you have to give in or give up, but rather about finding a way that both parties in the relationship win, finding a solution that benefits both and both are happy to live with. When we go in with Win-Lose, Lose-Lose, or Lose-Win attitude we are already at a loss. It can become transactional and keeping count such as I gave in this time so next time they have to give in. Win-Win is seeing how best we can serve each other so overall we all benefit.
BRING OUT THE BEST IN EACH OTHER: Related to the Win-Win thinking, you bring out the best in each other, encourage each other to be closer to their potential and grow. Your are living the values, expressing the virtues both during good times and especially during challenging times.
SHARED EXPERIENCES: Shared experiences - either positive ones or challenging ones, help create bonds, memories and opportunity for growth.
COMMUNICATION: LISTEN, TALK, UNDERSTAND (DISCUSS): To really listen to the other person, without judging, interrupting, advising (unless requested) and to just hold space for them is a valuable skill to develop and amazing thing to do. Sometimes they just want to have someone listen, so they can share what they are thinking, feeling and get it out of their system. Talking and sharing conversation helps to understand each other. It lets us know what is going on and can alleviate the issues of expectations and misunderstandings. Conversations can occur during the usual day to day and does not need a designated time such as while washing up, loading the dishwasher, cooking, meal time, driving, before going to bed.
Deep, present listening and talking lead to understanding , discussion and can help deal with stress, anxiety, depression and emotional regulation.
FEEL LOVED, VALUED, CARED FOR… we want to feel loved, valued and cared for. We want to support and be supported, encourage and be encouraged.
“CONNECTION IS WHY WE’RE HERE.
IT’S WHAT GIVES PURPOSE AND MEANING TO OUR LIVES”
The Greater Good Science Centre, Action for Happiness and The Museum of Happiness all put great importance to connection and relationships as essential aspects of Happiness. The Science has shown that feeling connected is vital to our well being. Without feeling connected or having good relationships it can impact our mental health and feelings of loneliness. It has significant health benefits including better resilience and those with good quality relationships living longer.
Oxytocin, one of the happy chemicals released in the body has one of its functions to help with bonding, connection and trust. It is released in a mother when she has given birth to create the mother-child bond. It also helps with our well being by impacting the heart, arteries and vagus nerve. Low Oxytocin leads to low trust, low social interaction, weak relationships, anxiety and fear.
Through acts of kindness, compassion, touch, hugs, contact, gifts and the practice of gratitude we can increase the Oxytocin in our bodies.
“I USED TO THINK THAT THE WORST THING IN LIFE WAS TO END UP ALL ALONE. IT’S NOT. THE WORST THING IN LIFE IS TO END UP WITH PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE.”
Some of the aspects that cause a strain on relationships are: being disloyal, trust gone, not listening, expectations, less shared experiences and quality time together.
John Gottman, a researcher who has studied relationships for over 40 years is able to predict with 91% accuracy if a couple are going to stay together after a few years based on watching a 5 minute clip of the interactions between the couple. What he observed was that if there were 5 or more positive interactions to each negative one then the couple where likely to stay together and those whose ratio of positive to negative was 1:1 or less were likely to split up.
“DON’T WASH THE DISH BECAUSE IT IS DIRTY. DON’T WASH THE DISH BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD YOU TO. WASH THE DISH BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE PERSON THAT WILL USE IT NEXT.”
The concept of a emotional / relational bank account from the work of Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people is a power one and relates to the 5:1 ration that John Gottman shared. The concept is that we all have a relational bank account in a relationship, similar to a normal financial bank account.We can make deposits and withdrawals in this account. However if we make withdrawals before we have made deposits or the value of withdrawals is greater than the deposits then we go into overdraft and that is going to hurt. The value of deposits and withdrawals are not equal, a withdrawal could have a higher value than a deposit. For a deposit to be accepted it must be in the currency valued in the recipients bank.
The Relational /Emotional Bank Account from Stephen Covey
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a fantastic book sharing lessons on personal change from Dependence to Independence to Interdependence. It is one that has had a profound impact on me since my mid twenties. Three of the habits are all about relationships, interdependence, and how we interact with others. These are Think Win-Win, Synergy and Seek first to understand and then to be understood.
THINK WIN-WIN: This is about the attitude of going into a relationship (business, romantic or any other) with a win-win mindset. Finding or creating a solution or agreement that both (all) parties are happy with and can live with. It is not compromise where one feels that they have given up something or transactional where I have compromised / given up this time so the other party must compromise next time. It is a genuine approach to find a solution that benefits both parties where they both win and no one loses. Of course if a solution of win-win can not be found or agreed upon then perhaps a no deal is required.
SYNERGY: Synergy is all about collaboration and cooperation where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, where 1 + 1 = 3 or more. It is where what I can do has a certain limit and likewise what you can do has a limit but together we create something that is far greater then the sum of our two limits. An example of synergy is that a plank of wood across 2 supports can hold a certain amount of weight, let us say for example it it 10 kg. Two such planks individually could hold 20 kg, however if the two planks are put one on top of another there collaboration, cooperation, synergy together allows them to hold 50 kg of weight - exceeding what they could do individually.
We are all here because of the synergy of our parents when 1+1 = 3 or more!
SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND AND THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD: is a beautiful way of mindful listening, being present and holding space. It allows the other person to share, be heard, feel valued and exist without interruption, advice, our own story, thoughts or feelings colouring the moment. In doing so they are in a better position when the time is right to understand us or what we are sharing. Really powerful for negotiation, conflict resolution or to have a deeper bond.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF SHE OR HE IS THE ONE?
I don't believe in "the one" in the soul mate sense.
I do believe there are partners out there that will bring us greatness now and in the future and in turn, it will bring us immense pleasure to bring greatness to them.
By greatness, I mean satisfaction, fulfilment, and growth in every sense of each word.
You will be both a supporter and a mentor to each other.
You are aligned on the values you are passionate about.
You will challenge each other's views and comfort each other when no one else can.
Most importantly, you respect each other enough to listen and you care enough to understand.
When you realise you are the best versions of the people you wish to be when you are around each other, you will know you never want to leave each others’ sides.
Don't be afraid to fall in love.
Dave Radparvar Co-Founder, Holstee
Resources
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Men’s brains and Women’s brains - Mark Gungor
Museum of Happiness Relationships Article
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About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.