ARTICLES & BLOG
Happy New Year? Life Goes On
We started and ended 2023 with grief. In January my aunt passed away and last week on Wednesday my father in law.
This is Life.
Since the Review 2023 blog in early Dec life has radically changed. One weekend we are celebrating Christmas with family; joyful moments, lovely food, games, photos and conversations making memories.
The following weekend, having the funeral for my father in law, feeling shock, disbelief, grief, sadness and much more. This is Life - joys, happiness and sadness, grief.
We started and ended 2023 with grief. In January my aunt passed away and last week on Wednesday my father in law.
This is Life.
Since the Review 2023 blog in early Dec life has radically changed. One weekend we are celebrating Christmas with family; joyful moments, lovely food, games, photos and conversations making memories. The following weekend, having the funeral for my father in law, feeling shock, disbelief, grief, sadness and much more. This is Life - joys, happiness and sadness, grief.
‘Khabie Khushi Kabhie Gham’ - sometimes happy, sometimes sad.
I have found that writing helps me express my thoughts, feelings and cope with the changes.
On Christmas Day (Sunday) my father in law, Harshna’s dad, who is in Kenya had an emergency operation which went well though a bit more complicated than initially thought. Tuesday night we get a message that the body is struggling to cope with the changes of the operation. Wednesday evening I take the call to be told that he has just passed away. Devastating news. Harshna and her brother made arrangements to go to Kenya landing on Friday morning for the funeral and cremation on Saturday. None of us have slept well these last few days.
Time has gone strange - it’s just about a week since he passed away yet a lot has happened in that week. The first few days felt they were passing very slowly.
We had our first New Years Eve apart in a long time, second maybe in our 27 year marriage.
December and January are heavy months for us with various family member death anniversaries including my father’s near beginning of December and father in law towards the end.
There are some resources to help with grief we have created and collated including a video of losing a parent, spouse and helping children. These can be found at https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/positive-grief.
Highly suggest you save/bookmark the link and go through the materials before you experience grief. As the brain on grief goes haywire on emotions/thinking.
Gulabchand (Jayendra) Premchand Kanji Shah (Hansas)
27-5-1947 - 27-12-2023
Gulabchand (Jayendra) Premchand Kanji Shah (Hansas) 27-5-1947 - 27-12-2023
He was calm, humble, friendly, helpful, funny, curious and happy to learn.
We are grateful to have had him in our lives creating many memories. In particular in the Summer of 2023 when we had a family holiday together in Kenya.
I am grateful for technology that allowed Harshna to video call her parents each day and stay connected.
I am grateful for international travel options.
May Your Cup Always Overflow
--John Paul MooreI've never made a fortune,
And I'll never make one now
But it really doesn't matter
'Cause I'm happy anyhow.
As I go along my journey
I'm reaping better than I've sowed
I'm drinking from the saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
I don't have a lot of riches,
And the going's sometimes tough
But with kin and friends to love me
I think I'm rich enough.
I thank God for the blessings
That His mercy has bestowed
I'm drinking from the saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
He gives me strength and courage
When the way grows steep and rough
I'll not ask for other blessings
For I'm already blessed enough.
May we never be too busy
To help bear another's load
Then we'll all be drinking from the saucer
When our cups have overflowed.
May your cup always overflow.
I am reminded in the difference between contact and connection shared in Positive Grief, here is the snippet:
In the full Positive Grief talk I shared at a high level the Top 5 regrets of the dying by Bronnie Ware. Earlier this year some friends recommended reading that book. I got hold of it and read it. It is awesome. Sharing the observations of a palliative care nurse who looks after terminally ill patients in their final stages.
The empathy, care and compassion Bronnie showed in her role has helped me in my role as a carer for my mum. See blog post on A Christmas Care-Role Who Cares?. Reading the book expanded the top 5 regrets.
Top 5 Regrets of the Dying - Bronnie Ware
A palliative nurse called Bronnie Ware who cared for people in their last 12 weeks of life has captured in the book The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying :
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. (Values/Purpose/Meaning)
I wish I hadn't worked so hard. (Balance)
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. (Emotions/ Gratitude Letter)
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. (Connection)
I wish that I had let myself be happier. (Focus on Happiness)
Personally and through Happy Life Habits I am working on not having these 5 regrets.
How about you?
Shaileen Shah - Happy Life Habits Coach, Speaker & Trainer
Happy Life Habits rewires hearts & minds for better productivity, happiness and wellbeing in 10 minutes a day. We help you move out of the comfort zone and into the learning/growth zones. Our products and services help develop habits and continuous personal development.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list and join the Happy Life Habits Community WhatsApp Group
Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube etc links can be found at https://linktr.ee/HappyLifeHabits
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
Happy Life Habits Positively Impacting Happiness & Wellbeing Levels
Her Majesty The Queen 1926 - 2022 Happy Life Habits : Positive Grief : The Dash
I share this poem, The Dash, in the Happy Life Habits Positive Grief talks along with some science of what grief does to the brain, ways to cope with grief and help others.
The poem is short yet very powerful, timely and reflective.
Photo image from Bournemouth Echo
I share this poem, The Dash, in the Happy Life Habits Positive Grief talks along with some science of what grief does to the brain, ways to cope with grief and help others.
The poem is short yet very powerful, timely and reflective.
THE DASH.. BY LINDA ELLIS
I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning… to the end.
He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own, the cars… the house… the cash.
What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard; are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left that still can be rearranged.
To be less quick to anger and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile… remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.
So when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they say about how you lived your dash??
Resources for Positive Grief : https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/positive-grief
and The Dash video is here
Saw this great post on LinkedIn by Ian West which shares some of the Queen’s Dash.
Just to put the history of Her Majesty's passing into context, and shut up the minority of trolls who seem to be in their 'so what' grumpy moods...
Elizabeth II was born less than 23 years after the Wright brothers carried out the first ever powered flight. Four of Queen Victoria's children were still alive when she was born. The last one of them died in 1944 when Elizabeth was already 18.
She lived for more than a third of the entire age of the United States (1776) - a nation which is only 246 years old. And well over half the age of Canada (1867), and all but 25 years of the nation of Australia (1901).
She became Queen at the age of just 25, when Stalin and Truman were also in post, just 7 years after the end of WWII.
Her first Prime Minister was born in 1874. Yes, the 1800s!!!
Her last PM was born only two years before her Silver Jubilee in 1975 - so her first and last PMs were born over 100 years apart!
She was already 51 when she celebrated that first Jubilee in 1977.
Ruling in her own right (with no regent, like Louis XIV had for 13 years), she was the longest reigning monarch in World history, no matter what Wikipedia says. In my book, Regencies don't really count as "doing the job" - you don't really 'rule' when you're only 4 years old, like he was!
She lived through three kings herself before she even took the throne - George V, Edward VIII, and her father George VI
She saw the jet age arrive, the birth of electronic computing, and the space age - all before she was 35 years old.
She ruled for 70 years at the age of 96, more than 35 years after the age at which most people retire.
Her reign is over 7% of the entire history of Britain since William the Conqueror took the crown - 956 years ago - and that's considering that we've had 41 monarchs in that time. So, on a pro-rata basis, each reign would only be 23 years. So, she's done the equivalent of over three tours of duty.
So, yeah, she certainly *was* Great Britain and everything that we've seen and grown up with. She was with us through, literally, all we've ever known in living memory.
Her selfless service to this country was simply astonishing, when she could have 'retired' from the job decades ago and enjoyed some well-deserved rest.
She is now a huge part of British history herself, there is no 'was' about it anymore. She *is* and will remain an integral component of this country, having overseen an amazing Elizabethan Age.
I am glad to have lived in her reign, and witnessed it, in spite of the country's broken heart.
As she said herself "Grief is the price we pay for love."
Rest in Peace Ma'am with your beloved Philip.
Your duty has been done ... multiple times over.
Happy Life Habits rewires hearts & minds for better productivity, happiness and wellbeing in 10 minutes a day.
We help you move out of the comfort zone and into the learning/growth zones. Our products and services help develop habits and continuous personal development.
These include the 30 Day Gratitude and Journaling Habit Immersion Training Course and the monthly MasterMind Group sessions
Great investments that produce outstanding results - guaranteed!
The Happiness Journal used by Tim Ferris, Emma Watson and Shaileen Shah (pretty much every day for the last 6.5 years) is a great starter tool to shift your mood and develop morning routines. For a DIY option the journal is available for £27 (£30 inc p&p in UK, international please enquire. Order 2 or more journals at £25 each).
This is a perfect, unique and life changing gift that can be gifted for:
teachers at the end of the year as a thank you
Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings
graduations, new job
staff / employees
In fact it has been well received as a corporate gift by staff, clients and suppliers when given by my clients. (Enquire for bulk orders and add value workshops). A journal workshop and 30 Day gratitude & journal habit immersion training course (running for the last 2 years) are also available.
Contact Shaileen@HappyLifeHabits.co.uk for any enquiries.
Happy Life Habits rewires hearts & minds for better productivity, happiness and wellbeing in 10 minutes a day. We help you move out of the comfort zone and into the learning/growth zones. Our products and services help develop habits and continuous personal development.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, Youtube etc links can be found at https://linktr.ee/HappyLifeHabits
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
International Day of Happiness Virtual Festival hosted by Happy Life Habits
I don’t know about you but I’ve been feeling a bit down, some grief and just unmotivated recently - not my normal self. I think it is a combination of the World news and happenings in Ukraine, personal and work challenges, the mid-life crisis I’ve been in for the last 10 years! and life in general. I am digging deep into my habits of gratitude, journaling, mindfulness, kindness and learning.
I don’t know about you but I’ve been feeling a bit down, some grief and just unmotivated recently - not my normal self. I think it is a combination of the World news and happenings in Ukraine, personal and work challenges, the mid-life crisis I’ve been in for the last 10 years! and life in general. I am digging deep into my habits of gratitude, journaling, mindfulness, kindness and learning.
At Happier Relationships workshop I shared how Connection is so important to our happiness and wellbeing. Study after study has shown this as has my own experience. That is part of why as Happy Life Habits we do workshops and sessions virtual but live so as to foster that sense of connection.
I have been invited by the Lohana Community of North London to share the Positive Grief talk next week which I am looking forward to. The sense of grief is part of what I am feeling due to the Ukraine war and hearing the stories of the changes and challenges the people are facing.
Also next week I am talking part in a Facebook live with Asian Parents Club where I have been given the opportunity to by one of the coaches to share and support in that group.
Join us for both of those events and also I invite you to the Happiness Festival we are hosting on the 19th March. It’s going to be very special and different and much needed at this time.
The UN's International Day of Happiness aims to make people around the world realize the importance of happiness within their lives.
Imagine a Happiness Festival a bit like the Ideal Home exhibition or trade show with different themed zones, show stages with scheduled events and individual stalls.
Multiple sessions running at the same time
Attendees free to move around
Various Zones such as Laughter, Happiness etc
We have a great line up of speakers and workshops for all including kids.
All this available globally and virtually. We are using the Wonder platform which is a great, easy to use platform from laptop/pc (does not work on tablet or phone). Fostering the different stalls, stages and activities. On the platform you will be able to see the running agenda of what is happening at what time and where. With a simply drag of you mouse you can go into your chosen activity/space.
To book FREE ticket and find out more visit the Festival page.
Happy Life Habits continues to run Gratitude & Journaling workshops and training, Positive Grief talks, Mental Health Awareness, etc. See the events page for more details.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, Youtube etc links can be found at https://linktr.ee/HappyLifeHabits
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
THE INEVITABLE - DEATH, THE END OF LIVING
“Life and time are the two best teachers. Life teaches us to make good use of time and time teaches us the value of life”. Over the last few years I have been attending more prayer meetings and funerals for family members, friends parents and wider community members. Each time it is a stark reminder of how short life is, not to waste time on the mundane and to do the things that matter. Also each time I am often at a loss on how best to respond, what to say and how to provide some support and solace despite deep feelings of empathy and compassion. Each time it makes me reflect on my ageing parents and in-laws and ultimately on my own life and mortality.
“Life and time are the two best teachers. Life teaches us to make good use of time and time teaches us the value of life.”
This is dedicated in memory to my good friend Bobby Shah, aged 47, who passed away on 15 October 2019.
I had been meaning to write on this topic soon after writing about my experience of identity theft (still to be completed and published - it is not as important).
Over the last few years I have been attending more prayer meetings and funerals for family members, friends parents and wider community members. Each time it is a stark reminder of how short life is, not to waste time on the mundane and to do the things that matter. Also each time I am often at a loss on how best to respond, what to say and how to provide some support and solace despite deep feelings of empathy and compassion. Each time it makes me reflect on my ageing parents and in-laws and ultimately on my own life and mortality.
During a couple weeks towards the end of Summer I was hearing about people we knew or their relatives passing away almost on a daily basis. In some cases it was old age, others health in one of many forms of cancer, related to heart problems, diabetes or an accident. Almost on a daily basis we hear on the news about a knife related murder in the capital.
Even with spiritual learning, faith, personal development and knowledge of the science of happiness and understanding that our true nature is an eternal Soul it is hard to deal with death. I share about time management and Begin with the End in mind.
This is a poem shared by one of Bobby’s friends which is apt.
Farewell My Friends by Rabindranath Tagore
Farewell My Friends
It was beautiful
As long as it lasted
The journey of my life.
I have no regrets
Whatsoever said
The pain I’ll leave behind.
Those dear hearts
Who love and care...
And the strings pulling
At the heart and soul...
The strong arms
That held me up
When my own strength
Let me down.
At the turning of my life
I came across
Good friends,
Friends who stood by me
Even when time raced me by.
Farewell, farewell My friends
I smile and
Bid you goodbye.
No, shed no tears
For I need them not
All I need is your smile.
If you feel sad
Do think of me
For that’s what I’ll like
When you live in the hearts
Of those you love
Remember then
You never die.
According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross there are 5 chronological stages to grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
We were aware that Bobby had a cardiac arrest two weeks ago and were getting regular updates on his situation. Latest update had been that small progress was in the right direction. Knowing his character of being a fighter and young in age we really thought and hoped he would pull through. Alas the news on Tuesday 15th October 2019 in the afternoon gut wrenched us. We were numb, my wife and I consoled each other. We checked in and spoke with friends to see how they were doing. I was and still am filled with a real sense of loss, remorse, sadness and grief that I have not felt and experienced in a long time. Being a positive, optimistic, happy person with practices to help me stay that way I have not embraced or felt these emotions of loss, grief and sadness in a long time.
Tuesday evening the emotions over ran and I cried uncontrollably being consoled and hugged by my wife. Since then I have often been moist eyed and am as I write this. I still need a good cry - to wallow in the grief. My thoughts often go to Bobby, the memories and that sense of loss and regret. A few times while driving I have missed turnings as mind wandering. Time seems to have slowed down.
My wife and I discussed that not having physical health can be an impact on quality of life, so can not having mental health (be it depression or any form of dementia) while having good physical health. In fact all 4 need to be kept good: Physical, Mental, Social/Emotional and Spiritual. See previous post
A palliative nurse called Bronnie Ware who cared for people in their last 12 weeks of life has captured in a book The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying :
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Something for us to reflect on and action.
Here are some of the things that I have shared with others to help during this difficult time that may help
What were their strongest qualities?
How were they expressed (stories, anecdotes, examples, etc.)?
What was their life motto/key principles?
What are your fondest memories?
The challenges they faces and how they dealt with them
The use of the happiness journal.
I am grateful for having Bobby in my life
I am grateful for the time we shared and memories created
I am grateful that he is no longer in pain or suffering
Bobby was a great friend to all and very sociable.
He was not afraid to try new things and made bold choices. He studied graphic design and pursued a career in that area during a time when most people were pursuing careers in accountancy, medical related, business or IT. This pursuit led him to work for the esteemed Fitch consultancy. Another bold choice was during the internet revolution he left core graphic design to be part of a start up working for may months in India as a co-founder of a tech start up. He re-skilled and saw opportunities in digital recruitment and later as a digital career coach.
He was an early advocate of Apple Macs before Apple became mainstream.
His friendly, encouraging, helpful and cheerful personality meant he touched many hearts. Community Service was a strong aspect of his life and he helped many community organisations, companies and individuals including Navnat, Veerayatan and Young Jains. Many spiritual leaders and saints from the various Jain organisations and groups where praying for him over the last 2 weeks.
He saw a need to help and created groups : Dance with Diabetics and one for Career mums. He loved dancing.
I have many fond memories from our 20s and 30s where we spent most time together. Most weekends we would be either going to the cinema, plays, shows, club, family picnic, out for a meal, getting together at someone's house watching a movie, playing games or just chatting.
Going ski-ing with a large group in the late 90s, joining friends who were going to Manchester to watch international cricket, garden parties and family picnics in the summer, going to Pizza Express after Navnat Youth Badminton or almost each week after 20 week Jain Course being taught by our Jain teacher - Mr Vinodbhai Kapashi.
The various groups of friends had shared various milestones in each others lives such as birthdays, job changes, engagements, marriage, birth of children, passing of parents, Diwali, Christmas and so forth. He has now taken the courageous and bold step to work on his next big project.
I regret not making so many positive memories in recent times or being there more often for him and family during the last few years.
May his Soul Rest in Peace. Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.
Resources and Actions
This is a wonderful collection of resources please do look into them
Live with Loss by my friend Suraj Shah a trained bereavement support visitor
Organising a Jain Funeral by my friend Heena Modi (Suraj’s wife) has written an excellent article with great links (whether Jain or not)
Get a Will and Power of Attorney sorted, I recommend contacting my friend Shandip Shah of Balance Consultancy
Talk to family and friends of what you are feeling and going through - share your feelings and emotions, write them down/ journal them - do not keep them bottled up. Being aware of your present emotions, sensations and thoughts is much of what mindfulness is about
Begin with the End in Mind - focus on what matters and do those things - it is more about health, relationships, emotions and less about more hours in the office or bigger pay packet, though do not neglect creating habits for long term financial security.
Read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom - based on true story, reminds us what matters
Watch and read The Last Lecture again true story of a cancer patient, beautiful messages - include some of my favourites like Disney and Star Wars!
Re-watch the classic Steve Jobs Stanford speech - How to Live before you die.
Really useful podcast on 6th stage of grief by Commune.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
