ARTICLES & BLOG
A NEW HOPE? OR NO HOPE?
Sometimes with the restrictions of lockdown, the negative news, so many deaths and cold, dark winter we feel like there is no hope and at other times hope is all we have.
The original classic Stars Wars was titled Episode IV : A New Hope. In this blog article I share some recent positive news stories, resources and Happy Life Habits activities.
Sometimes with the restrictions of lockdown, the negative news, so many deaths and cold, dark winter we feel like there is no hope and at other times hope is all we have.
The original classic Stars Wars was titled Episode IV : A New Hope. In this blog article I share some recent positive news stories, resources and Happy Life Habits activities.
Everything is F*cked : A book about Hope
Sometimes it feels like the title of this book. This is a book I recently got hold of, still to be read but looks interesting and the author’s previous book I have seen mentioned.
““Why should I fear death? If I am, then death is not. If Death is, then I am not. Why should I fear that which can only exist when I do not?””
Wonderful Positive News about HelpVeerNow
Veer is a 4 year old boy, son of our friends and from the communities we are part of. He has low blood counts and desperately needs a stem cell donor. The family have set up HelpVeerNow to raise awareness and help campaign to get more people on the the donor lists so they can find a match for Veer and also help others in the same situation to find a match. The numbers of people registered to be a donor is very low especially in BAME. To find a match is like finding a needle in a haystack. It needn’t be. If everyone, including you and people you know registered then there would be plenty of needles to be easily found.
The wonderful news is that three 90% matches have been found. A few months ago there weren’t and the family had been told that Veer had months instead of years to find a transplant donor as his counts had dropped.
You can listen to the family’s journey on the BBC World Service recording. It is very powerful, positive, uplifting and funny with the mention of a stem cell donut! and Veer going out to look for his superhero donor. What comes through the the emotional and mental struggles, them leaning into their Jain faith and keeping focused on the positive. Even with Veer having a match, the campaigning continues as many more people needed on the registers.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3ct1fq8
I am privileged to say the family are part of the Happy Life Habits Community, attended workshops and training courses. In May 2020 when a Veer’s Virtual Extravaganza was held, Happy Life Habits was honoured to serve in opening the Extravaganza with a Happiness and Gratitude workshop.
Resource: Coping in a Crisis
Hansa Pankhania a new acquaintance is an author, coach and consultant who will be in a future series of the Inspiration Point Podcast. She has written a variety of books on Stress, Crisis as well as stories. Her most recent is title Coping in a Crisis and covers coping with loss, financial loss, grief, relationship and including coping strategies. The book is free to download from www.aumconsultancy.co.uk.
Hansa has been inspired by Deepak Chopra’s WellBeing Centre - more in future Inspiration Point Podcast .
JVB London: The Future of Wellbeing & Higher Consciousness by Dr. Deepak Chopra
Recently I was able to attend a zoom meeting with the world reknowned Deepak Chopra. It was organised by JVB London and titled The Future of Wellbeing & Higher Consciousness by Dr. Deepak Chopra. The recording is here and well worth listening to. It resonated on some many levels for me and I loved watching it.
Happy Life Habits Gratitude & Journal Habit Immersion Training Course
Gratitude has been shown to increase the chances of psychologically surviving hard times. In the HLH Gratitude Workshops I share that gratitude helps :
Us feel less deflated
Gives Hope
Helps Heal
It certainly has done this for me through life’s various challenges and has helped over 50 people who have taken the 30 day Happy Life Habits Gratitude & Journal Habit Immersion Training Course. It is a pro-social behaviour making use feel more connected.
I’ll share a recent testimonial:
“I’ve just completed the Happiness and Gratitude training programme that Shaileen hosted.
We all ‘know’ what to do and how to ‘be’ happy, positive and grateful but it’s not always something that’s at the forefront of our minds when we are in the day to day of our lives. I booked on this course back in November as something to look forward to for the start of the year.
Alongside Shaileens’ great questions and coaching support, there was a daily journal to complete.
The whole programme was really, really good. My mindset has grown stronger as a result of the course and for anyone who wants some MH (Mental Health) support, to be able to see the ‘wood for the trees’ or like me, just wants to spend a bit of time focussing on the ‘haves’ vs the ‘have nots’ - this is for you.
I highly recommend it to you and to anyone who supports MH in the workplace. It’s fabulous.”
If you want to know more, sign up or join waiting list go to https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/habit-immersion
Inspiration Point Podcast Series 2
We reach half way through series 2 with 2 fantastic episodes completed and the 3rd due in a few hours as I write. The sessions I have found and feedback received as being unique, inspiring, positive, uplifting and an hour well spent. Episode 5 is about my cousin Dr Ajay Shah who is the older brother of episode 3 Niraj Shah. Earlier we shared Veer was looking for a super hero to be his stem cell donor. Episode 5 is Dr Ajay Shah - Super Hero Doctor. In recent ITV news about the Covid19 vaccination programme, Ajay has been caught in action.
Past recordings you can find at https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/inspiration-point and if you would like or know one who may be great to take part in a future episode please fill out the simple form at https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/inspiration-point-form.
Happy life habits connected conversations
I have recently had wonderful conversations related to Happy Life Habits projects. One was with a friend, HLH community member and course graduate. They asked what is the difference between motivation and inspiration. I had a good think, some ideas, did research and confirmed my thoughts plus additional concepts. We had a great conversation sharing and deepening each of our understanding. I’ll share at a later date the ideas shared. That conversation, the HLH Book Club plus writings on connection, relationships, isolation shared over the last year help give more traction to the idea of Connected Conversations.
To help foster connection, reduce sense of isolation and pro-social behaviour plus its benefits we have a new initiative we are exploring: Connected Conversations. It is not a workshop, it is not a talk. It’s a conversation.
30-60 mins - join on time, leave at anytime
1:1 and 1:many conversations
Move to different conversation groups at will
Using wonder.me platform
Discuss, share, express, explore, listen, connect
Theme: Relationships and Connection
Date & Time: Sunday 14th Feb 10:30am -11:30am
Where: Wonder.me
Here are some links to previous articles and workshop recordings from 2020 on Happier Relationships that I am quite proud of and people have found useful. https://www.happylifehabits.co.uk/news/2020/2/6/happier-relationships
A request dear friend and reader.
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
(4) If you want to engage my services for coaching, speaking or training get in touch and lets see if we can create a win-win result.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
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Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM : WE'VE LOST CONNECTION
This article follows on from The Ups & Downs of a Happiness Coach: Craving Connection. This one is about loneliness, suicide and connection. This is what its like to feel lonely.
With the massive changes we are currently facing of Social Isolation, Social Distancing, Lockdown etc. and this likely to continue for many months is going to have an impact on peoples mental health, sense of connection and people are going to feel lonely, hopeless and suicidal. This article and is here to serve as for you all to tap into you spider senses and keep aware of that tingling feeling to raise the awareness to watch out for your emotions as well as those of others. More so that ever we need to actively reach out, check in and keep connected and help others to also do so.
This article follows on from The Ups & Downs of a Happiness Coach: Craving Connection. This one is about loneliness, suicide and connection. This is what its like to feel lonely.
That’s right I purposefully put a lot of empty, blank space in, nothing there. How did that make you feel when you read it, saw it? Feel any connection?
I almost considered not writing anything and publishing just the title and introduction. At the start of Craving Connection article I had shared that:
“As an experiment, for my own happiness and a way to serve I am going to chronicle as a diary some of my thoughts (ups and downs) and actions during this pandemic…..During this pandemic I have been craving for connection both people to people and grateful for the technology connections, I guess with the previous articles on Happier Relationships and what I have learnt over time I understand the importance of this to our happiness, well being and mental health. I have also been through the turbulence of insecurities and validation issues.
So, a request dear friend and reader
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
IMAGINE IF IT HAD BEEN A CRY FOR HELP!. The clues where there “Ups & Downs”, “Craving Connection”, “Mental Health”, “Happier Relationships”, “Turbulence”, “Insecurities” . I was asking for connection, I was asking for you to email me and let me know (1) you exist and (2) that I exist. I had one email come through on the request put at beginning and end of article. Thank you my friend (to be fair I have had some other messages and conversations with others also).
Imagine if I was not in good Mental Health and maybe even Suicidal what could have happened if that one email did not come through? I know from website statistics that more than one person had read the article. The picture on the article of me sitting on a chair , on a cliff edge looking out and contemplating could have turned into standing up and taking a few steps to the cliff edge and then a few more steps…
HOW ARE YOU?
Thank you for asking…For the record I am currently I am not having any suicidal thoughts. I am in good mental health, happy, feel very connected, grateful, purposeful, and making a difference. Feeling awesome. Living my purpose and mission statement.
“I continuously contribute, learn, grow and make a positive difference to all in my environment adding tremendous value.
I am a caring, loving, supportive family member and friend.
I act with integrity, truthfulness and do the right thing.
I use my time effectively, am a creator of wealth, value and abundance. I achieve balance”
With the massive changes we are currently facing of Social Isolation, Social Distancing, Lock down etc. and this likely to continue for many months it is going to have an impact on peoples mental health, sense of connection and people are going to feel lonely, hopeless and suicidal. This article is here to serve. For you to tap into you spider senses and keep aware of that tingling feeling, to raise the awareness to watch out for your emotions as well as those of others. More so that ever we need to actively reach out, check in and keep connected and help others to also do so. If you are feeling loneliness - there is help available see resources at the end.
Here are some quotes from Happier Relationships article and workshop as well as some new ones that are worth reflecting on:
What I have been doing to remain connected… I have…
had individual planned and unplanned catch ups with friends and family - some lovely individual conversations
been involved in online communities that I was physically part of - great sharing and insights
reached out to many of my clients and contacts with a short message to check they are ok and letting them know I am here
been running Happiness Booster Sessions - really enjoying these and feel I am making a difference, see events page for future ones or get in touch :)
been building a Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
been taking part in 21 Day challenge and feeling connected to people from around the world. We had our first Zoom call recently with attendees from UK, India, USA and Hungary all sharing similar feelings with their respective lock down and situation
using video call more often to contact people
keeping mindful of my emotions, thoughts and actions
keeping my happy life habit practices in place including gratitude and mindfulness
when going for our daily walk smiling and waving to strangers
I’ve applied to be a NHS Volunteer to do role of check in and chat. We can all do that.
Let me know what is helping you stay connected
RESOURCES
A request dear friend and reader.
(1) If you have enjoyed some of the articles I have shared and found useful please reply to shaileen@happylifehabits.co.uk and let me know.
(2) If you are not a subscriber to the Happy Life Habits email list - please sign up.
(3) While doing (1) if you would be interested in free 30 min video conference calls for Happiness Boosters - connection and sharing, during these times let me know if morning, afternoon or evening preference and weekday and/or weekend. I will endeavour to serve.
(4) If you think someone else might benefit from this please share with them.
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Community Group
Happy Life Habits FaceBook Page
Happy Life Habits WhatsApp Group
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS PART2
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship Part 2 workshop that Happy Life Habits delivered on 28 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. It is a follow to Happier Relationships Part 1 which should be read and watched first.
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship Part 2 workshop that Happy Life Habits delivered on 28 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. It is a follow to Happier Relationships Part 1 which should be read and watched first.
Some of the questions/ideas raised in the workshop and answered in video were:
If we are always giving and making deposits in the Emotional Bank Account and there are people who take, take, take and do not reciprocate the giving of love, kindness, happiness etc. what do we do?
With the 5 Love Languages, can the one you have as dominant change?
If as the spiritual teachers say happiness is from within, what is the need of relationships?
Living from the head Vs living from the heart
If happiness is from within why do we need relationships?
A short recap covered : Brene Brown quote “Connection is what we are here. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives”; relationships help our well being - longevity, resilience, feeling connected and less loneliness (See Robin Williams quote from Part 1). One of the happy chemicals released when in relationships is Oxytocin which fosters trust, bonding and connection. Some key ingredients for happier relationships being trust, values, communication and shared experiences. Take a moment to ponder on…
“The most important ingredient we put into any relationships is not what we say or what we do, but what we are”
This for me is about being at our core a person of trust, commitment, loyal, friendly, loving etc. Not just saying and acting those in that way .
The 3 most important types of relationship are:
Relationship with self (small s)'
Relationship with others
Relationship with Self (big S) - our Divinity, God , Guru, higher self
We can consider that the inner circle is the relationship with our Divinity, our spiritual relationship and that permeates to our self (with small s) and then to our relationship with everyone else. If we have a strong connection to our Divinity, have it in our awareness more often it will positively impact all our relationships.
To foster connection and closeness we can ask questions. There are 36 questions in 3 sets of 12 that have been come to know as the 36 questions for closeness.
A sample is below and here link to full 36 Questions
Sample of 36 Questions to foster connection and closeness
What’s in the box?
In part 1 I shared the video of The Nothing Box which shared some of the differences in men’s brains and women’s brains. A joke that I came across recently on Facebook post from Nithya Shanti that captures some aspects for a Happy Relationship and also has to do with a box.
There once was a couple that had been married for more that 50 years. They had lived happily together and shared everything. No secrets kept from each other. There was, however, one open secret that the women kept from the man.
The wife had a small chest hidden in the closet that she asked her husband to never open it and to never ask her about it. One day, the man told the woman that he really wanted to know what was in the box. She agreed that after so many years, this one secret should be finally shared, and she opened the box. Inside the man saw 3 small handmade dolls and a stack of money amounting to £30,000.
The women explained. “When we were about to be married, “ she said, “my mother advised me not to avoid fights if I wanted our marriage to be happy, for it is important to share our true feelings. However, she also advised me that if you ever make me angry about something, I should first keep quiet and make the doll, only fight after.”
Her husband was moved, Only 3 small dolls were in the chest. In all those years of living together, his wife had been angry with him only 3 times! “This is wonderful my love! That means that I have been a near perfect husband for 50 years and that we have excellent communication with each other. But tell me my love, where did all that money come from?”
“Oh” she said, “this money I make from selling the dolls!
The story highlights not to react in anger, to reflect , take time out (making the dolls) before choosing to respond. This nicely brings us to introduce the 5 Love Languages.
The 5 Love Languages are in my opinion similar to and a specific application of the learning modalities of VAK - Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic learning modalities. The VAK have been well documented as to each person having all 3 learning modalities but one being more dominant. Visual learners learn by seeing, they picture things in the head, they learn from watching videos, live demonstrations, presentations etc. Auditory learners use sound, voice, by listening and being told information and Kinaesthetic is to do with touch and feel. So for example to ride a bike - Visual learners would watch someone riding, watch videos and presentations. Auditory would learn from hearing about it, being given instructions or read something and say it in their hears which Kinaesthetic would be from touching a bike, turning the wheels and getting into the saddle and peddling. All are correct, we use all, we have a dominate modality and can learn to develop the others.
Similarly Dr Gary Chapman had identified and explained 5 Love Languages in a book of the same title. At the time of this writing I have not read the book. It has been mentioned while I was doing research for the workshop and I have read articles and seen interview videos with the author on it. Each love language is a way of expressing love. Again each person will have a dominant language.
The 5 Love Languages are:
Physical Touch - holding hands, hugs, pat on back, massage etc.
Receiving Gifts - being given gifts or presents
Acts of Service - putting out the rubbish, setting table, putting kids to sleep after partner has had a tough day, clearing frost from car in the morning etc.
Words of Affirmation - words that support, encourage, acknowledge and lift up. Not criticism or demeaning language.
Quality Time - dinner together, going for a walk, discussing what is important to us, how we are feeling etc.
When an act is done in our dominant language we feel loved. If our partner has a different dominant love language but we express using our dominant language then they may not feel loved. It’s like communicating in Spanish when the partner does not understand Spanish but understands Hindi. There is mismatch and less of a feeling or being loved or connected. What we need to do is be aware of our love language making our partner aware of that and at the same time be aware of their love language and make conscious effort to express using that. This is related to deposits in the Relational / Emotional Bank Account - they need to be in currency of recipient. We can deposit dollars when Euros are the recipients currency.
Looking at the 3rd type of relationship, the relationship with Divinity, our higher Self, God we are reminded of the Guru (Teacher) - Shiksha (Student) relationship and how this special relationship can help uncover Divinity. We see this in the relationships of Mahavir Bhagwan with Gautam Swami, Krishna with Arjun and Shams with Rumi. It is a relationship based on unconditional love. The book, The 40 Rules of Love shares how Rumi become Rumi with the help of Shams, how he moved from head/scholarly approach to one of the heart/Divinity. Shams shares with Rumi the 40 Rules of Love which have existed for a long time. These rules are about Divinity, God. I remember when I first read the book how it resonated with my understanding of my faith and spirituality. I share here 4 of the rules to give you a flavour. Take a moment to reflect on them.
The 40 Rules of Love : Source www.ScoopWhoop.com
“We seek it here, we seek it there, we look for love everywhere!
We expect it to come to us, usually through another person.
All our conditioning says it is something that happens to us. The mythology of our fables, legends and modern day entertainment industries say it is something we ‘fall into’.
And yet… and yet real love can not be acquired, possessed or accumulated. It can not be known where we think it comes from outside ourselves. The ultimate paradox is we are love.
We are love.
”
“People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.”
Apply some of these ideas and nurture fulfilling, meaningful, loving and happier relationship with your self, everyone else and your higher Self.
Resources
The 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak I also sell this book so get in touch if you would like a copy
The 40 Rules of Love on ScoopWhoop
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The 5 Love Languages articles by FierceMarriage.com
The 36 Questions for closeness
If you want to receive articles, information on events and support Happy Life Habits sign up to the join the email list.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.
HAPPIER RELATIONSHIPS
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship workshops that Happy Life Habits delivered on 14 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. The follow on part 2 session is on 28th February 2020 at the same venue.
This article contains some of the ideas shared at the Happier Relationship workshops that Happy Life Habits delivered on 14 February 2020 at Shri Chandana Vidyapeeth (SCVP London) Jain School. The follow on part 2 session is on 28th February 2020 at the same venue.
Recording of Happier Relationships delivered on 14th February 2020 at SCVP Jain School.
Relationships are integral to our lives. The happier relationships we have, the more connected, happier and meaningful our lives are. Take a moment to answer these questions and do this activity:
Think of a current great relationship / friendship that you have.
Who is it with? Why is it great ? (List at least 3 things)
What are the ingredients for a happy relationship?
What causes relationships to strain?
Why are relationships important?
What are the 3 most important relationships?
Let’s take some of these questions and look at some answers.
What are the ingredients for a Happy Relationship? Here are some:
TRUST: One fundamental idea that gets mentioned when discussing this topic, is the idea of Trust. Be it a romantic relationship, a relationship between family members, friends, business, doctor and patient, or teacher and student, there needs to be a good level of trust for the relationship to be happy. When the trust is abused or gone, the relationship deteriorates. Sometimes the trust is given straight away and at other times it is earned but when it is gone, it is difficult to rebuild.
VALUES: Having some matching values is key. Not all values necessarily need to match or align in ranking but having core values match and similar ranking is a good foundation. A bit like the intersect of two circles representing values domain in a Venn diagram. Having some different values is what gives variety and opportunities for learning and growth. When values are not matching and aligned, it has resulted in the relationship failing - be it a married relationship or a business relationship.
THINK WIN-WIN: This is habit 4 from Stephen Covey’s - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It is not about compromise or feeling that you have to give in or give up, but rather about finding a way that both parties in the relationship win, finding a solution that benefits both and both are happy to live with. When we go in with Win-Lose, Lose-Lose, or Lose-Win attitude we are already at a loss. It can become transactional and keeping count such as I gave in this time so next time they have to give in. Win-Win is seeing how best we can serve each other so overall we all benefit.
BRING OUT THE BEST IN EACH OTHER: Related to the Win-Win thinking, you bring out the best in each other, encourage each other to be closer to their potential and grow. Your are living the values, expressing the virtues both during good times and especially during challenging times.
SHARED EXPERIENCES: Shared experiences - either positive ones or challenging ones, help create bonds, memories and opportunity for growth.
COMMUNICATION: LISTEN, TALK, UNDERSTAND (DISCUSS): To really listen to the other person, without judging, interrupting, advising (unless requested) and to just hold space for them is a valuable skill to develop and amazing thing to do. Sometimes they just want to have someone listen, so they can share what they are thinking, feeling and get it out of their system. Talking and sharing conversation helps to understand each other. It lets us know what is going on and can alleviate the issues of expectations and misunderstandings. Conversations can occur during the usual day to day and does not need a designated time such as while washing up, loading the dishwasher, cooking, meal time, driving, before going to bed.
Deep, present listening and talking lead to understanding , discussion and can help deal with stress, anxiety, depression and emotional regulation.
FEEL LOVED, VALUED, CARED FOR… we want to feel loved, valued and cared for. We want to support and be supported, encourage and be encouraged.
“CONNECTION IS WHY WE’RE HERE.
IT’S WHAT GIVES PURPOSE AND MEANING TO OUR LIVES”
The Greater Good Science Centre, Action for Happiness and The Museum of Happiness all put great importance to connection and relationships as essential aspects of Happiness. The Science has shown that feeling connected is vital to our well being. Without feeling connected or having good relationships it can impact our mental health and feelings of loneliness. It has significant health benefits including better resilience and those with good quality relationships living longer.
Oxytocin, one of the happy chemicals released in the body has one of its functions to help with bonding, connection and trust. It is released in a mother when she has given birth to create the mother-child bond. It also helps with our well being by impacting the heart, arteries and vagus nerve. Low Oxytocin leads to low trust, low social interaction, weak relationships, anxiety and fear.
Through acts of kindness, compassion, touch, hugs, contact, gifts and the practice of gratitude we can increase the Oxytocin in our bodies.
“I USED TO THINK THAT THE WORST THING IN LIFE WAS TO END UP ALL ALONE. IT’S NOT. THE WORST THING IN LIFE IS TO END UP WITH PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ALONE.”
Some of the aspects that cause a strain on relationships are: being disloyal, trust gone, not listening, expectations, less shared experiences and quality time together.
John Gottman, a researcher who has studied relationships for over 40 years is able to predict with 91% accuracy if a couple are going to stay together after a few years based on watching a 5 minute clip of the interactions between the couple. What he observed was that if there were 5 or more positive interactions to each negative one then the couple where likely to stay together and those whose ratio of positive to negative was 1:1 or less were likely to split up.
“DON’T WASH THE DISH BECAUSE IT IS DIRTY. DON’T WASH THE DISH BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD YOU TO. WASH THE DISH BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE PERSON THAT WILL USE IT NEXT.”
The concept of a emotional / relational bank account from the work of Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people is a power one and relates to the 5:1 ration that John Gottman shared. The concept is that we all have a relational bank account in a relationship, similar to a normal financial bank account.We can make deposits and withdrawals in this account. However if we make withdrawals before we have made deposits or the value of withdrawals is greater than the deposits then we go into overdraft and that is going to hurt. The value of deposits and withdrawals are not equal, a withdrawal could have a higher value than a deposit. For a deposit to be accepted it must be in the currency valued in the recipients bank.
The Relational /Emotional Bank Account from Stephen Covey
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is a fantastic book sharing lessons on personal change from Dependence to Independence to Interdependence. It is one that has had a profound impact on me since my mid twenties. Three of the habits are all about relationships, interdependence, and how we interact with others. These are Think Win-Win, Synergy and Seek first to understand and then to be understood.
THINK WIN-WIN: This is about the attitude of going into a relationship (business, romantic or any other) with a win-win mindset. Finding or creating a solution or agreement that both (all) parties are happy with and can live with. It is not compromise where one feels that they have given up something or transactional where I have compromised / given up this time so the other party must compromise next time. It is a genuine approach to find a solution that benefits both parties where they both win and no one loses. Of course if a solution of win-win can not be found or agreed upon then perhaps a no deal is required.
SYNERGY: Synergy is all about collaboration and cooperation where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, where 1 + 1 = 3 or more. It is where what I can do has a certain limit and likewise what you can do has a limit but together we create something that is far greater then the sum of our two limits. An example of synergy is that a plank of wood across 2 supports can hold a certain amount of weight, let us say for example it it 10 kg. Two such planks individually could hold 20 kg, however if the two planks are put one on top of another there collaboration, cooperation, synergy together allows them to hold 50 kg of weight - exceeding what they could do individually.
We are all here because of the synergy of our parents when 1+1 = 3 or more!
SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND AND THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD: is a beautiful way of mindful listening, being present and holding space. It allows the other person to share, be heard, feel valued and exist without interruption, advice, our own story, thoughts or feelings colouring the moment. In doing so they are in a better position when the time is right to understand us or what we are sharing. Really powerful for negotiation, conflict resolution or to have a deeper bond.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF SHE OR HE IS THE ONE?
I don't believe in "the one" in the soul mate sense.
I do believe there are partners out there that will bring us greatness now and in the future and in turn, it will bring us immense pleasure to bring greatness to them.
By greatness, I mean satisfaction, fulfilment, and growth in every sense of each word.
You will be both a supporter and a mentor to each other.
You are aligned on the values you are passionate about.
You will challenge each other's views and comfort each other when no one else can.
Most importantly, you respect each other enough to listen and you care enough to understand.
When you realise you are the best versions of the people you wish to be when you are around each other, you will know you never want to leave each others’ sides.
Don't be afraid to fall in love.
Dave Radparvar Co-Founder, Holstee
Resources
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Men’s brains and Women’s brains - Mark Gungor
Museum of Happiness Relationships Article
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About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.